Five-Minute "Before and After"
by Kira

Doc: Okay, we're ready.

(Flash!)

Doc: Okay, we're almost ready.

(Flash!)

Andrew: Are you all right, Grandma Kes?
Kes: "Grandma"? What the -- ? Bring me a mirror.
Andrew: Here you go.
Kes: Thank y-- HOLY CRAP! What happened to my beautiful face?

Kes: I remember you being ready.
Doc: That's next scene.
Kes: No, that was three scenes ago.
Doc: Oh yeah? Well we'll just have to wait and see, little miss smarty pants.

Chakotay: I think we need some exposition here.
Doc: Of course, Captain.
Chakotay: Thanks. I never get tired of hearing that.
Kes: Brrrr.
Doc: Yeah, it gives me the shivers too.

(Flash!)

Kes: What the-- ?
Linnis: Are you all right, Mom?
Kes: Quiet, you. I don't know who you are yet.
Linnis: Right. Time for some more exposition.
Paris: Hi, honey!
Kim: Hi, honey! Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!
Paris: I told you to stop calling me that.

Kes: I remember things that haven't happened yet. I think I'm travelling backwards through time.
Doc: That's ridiculous.
Andrew: I think we should listen to her.
Kes: Brrrr.
Doc: Nope, no time.

(Flash!)

Neelix: Happy Birthday, Kes!
Kes: How did you get a uniform?
Neelix: In exchange for not cooking.

Kes: Something's happening to me. Promise you won't call me crazy.
Doc: Okay.
Kes: I'm travelling backwards through time.
Doc: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Kes: Hey! You promised!
Doc: I had my "crossing fingers" subroutine activated.

Paris: Want to look at some family pictures, honey?
Kes: Er....say, what's this?
Paris: That's the year of Hell.
Kes: Sounds unpleasant.
Paris: Trust me, you have nothing to worry about.

Paris: Hey! Chronotons!
Kes: Progress at last! Oh crap....

(Flash!)

Paris: What happens if she keeps jumping backwards?
Doc: It will be like she never existed.
Paris: Wow, that's hard to imagine....

Captain's Log: Heheheh. That's fun. "Captain's Log, Captain's Log, Captain's Log." We should have done this future thing a long time ago.

Doc: I've erected a containment field.
Kes: What will that do?
Doc: Hopefully keep you in our boring time frame, away from all those battles and explosions.
Kes: Sounds cool. I'm out of here.

(Flash!)

Kes: Aaaaaaaa! Just my luck.
Linnis: You think you have it bad? Look where I'm coming out!

Kes: Can you help me?
Chakotay: No, we really suck right now. Come back again sooner.

(Flash!)

Kes: Tom, honey, I --
Torres: Not so fast, toots! I'm back now! Mwahahahaha!
Janeway: (over the comm) Woo hoo! Me too!
(BOOM!)
Janeway: Figures.

(BOOOOOM!)
Kes: The Krenim torpedoes are in a state of temporal flux. I can show you how to stop them.
Janeway: That's some useful information. I had better write this down so I don't forget.

Janeway: Well, I may not have been here for most of the episode, but at least I get this cool battle scene.
Torres: Yeah, me too.
(KA-BOOOM!)
Janeway and Torres: Nuts. GAK!
Chakotay: Meh.
Kes: Shouldn't you be more upset?
Chakotay: Nah, she'll be alive in two scenes.

Kes: (scanning the torpedo) I'm a genius! I bet nobody else would have been able to do this.
Torpedo: Just be glad I'm not going to explode on you.
Kes: Yeah, thanks. GAK!

(Flash!)

Doc: 99 chronotons inside Kes, 99 chronotons here! You take one down, smack it around, 98 chronotons inside Kes!
Kes: Brrrr. Phew, just in the nick of time....

(Flash!)

Janeway: Been nice knowing you guys, but we gotta go.
Neelix: Can we come too?
Kes: I'm traveling backwards in time.
Janeway: Oh, all right. Just don't let me catch you cooking. Hey, wait a minute, that's not right....

(Flash!)

Kes' father: Time for dinner, Kes.
Kes: This had better not get any worse.
(Flash!)
Kes: WAAAAAH!Waah! Waah!Waah!WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH! Waah!Waah!Waah!
(Flash!)
Single cell: Uh oh.
(Flash!)
Doc: ...take one down, smack it around, no chronotons inside Kes!
Kes: Good thing I missed that.

Tuvok: Tell us more about these Krenim.
Kes: Fine, but only if you promise to pay attention....
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous speed)

THE END

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