Kim: Say, does this system look familiar to anyone else? I've got this weird feeling of d�j� vu.
Chakotay: Relax, you're probably just stuck in some sort of horrific repeating time loop.
Kim: Oh. Well, that's all right then.
Alben: (on viewscreen) Welcome to Nasari space. We --
(WHAM!)
Janeway: Tuvok! Explain yourself!
Tuvok: What? It wasn't me, it was Harry.
Janeway: Sorry, I thought it was about time for you to go evil again. Harry! Explain yourself!
Kim: What? They were obviously hostile.
Janeway: No dice. You're grounded.
Kim: Aw.
Kim: People got hurt because of me. I suck.
Kes: You sure do.
Kim: Aren't you supposed to be supportive?
Kes: I'm practicing being bitter in case I ever decide to take revenge on all of you.
Kim: Aw, Kes, we know you'd never do that.
Kim: ...then my mom suspended me from duty, and I woke up with these weird spots.
Doc: Hmm. Tell me more about this dream.
Kim: How will that help you treat me?
Doc: I just like to collect embarassing stories about the crew for future blackmail.
Janeway: Well, Ensign, you're off the hook this time.
Kim: You mean I was right about the Nasari? Huh.
Janeway: We're surprised too, considering you have the instincts of a blind lemming... but I suppose you were bound to be right eventually.
Chakotay: Another ship has chased off the Nasari.
Tuvok: Permission to fire on them without cause or provocation as well, Captain?
Janeway: Hmm... denied. They might be able to explain why Harry's instincts helped us survive instead of the other way around.
Lyris: (on viewscreen) Harry! At last! Welcome home!
Janeway: See, Tuvok? Mystery solved.
Tuvok: You have no clue what's going on, do you?
Janeway: Not in the slightest.
Captain's Log: We're being escorted to Taresia to investigate their claim that Ensign Kim is one of their species. We've always thought that Harry was special, but in a sarcastic, air-quote sort of way, so naturally I'm curious to see how this pans out.
Lyris: Welcome to Transylvania... I mean, Taresia.
Janeway: Nice place, but how come it's so dark in here?
Lyris: Um... the sun gives us freckles, so we don't have windows.
Tuvok: A logical precaution.
Janeway: Funny, you don't have any reflective surfaces around either.
Lyris: We... don't believe in encouraging vanity. Yes.
Malia: I cooked you this, Harry.
Kim: Thanks! Aren't you having any?
Eliann: No, we're... saving room for a big feast later.
Kim: A feast? Wow, am I invited too?
Malia: Oh, you'll be at the feast. Now eat up.
Kim: You guys go ahead and return to Voyager. I think I'll stay here for a while.
Janeway: Sure.
Kim: Did I just hear a champagne cork pop?
Janeway: Of course not. (Tuvok, not until we're on the ship.)
Tuvok: (Sorry.)
Doc: I've taken a closer look at Ensign Kim's scans. When I examined his introns, I found this encoded in the DNA.
Janeway: "Harry Kim is a registered trademark of Taresia. All rights reserved." So... Harry's not human?
Doc: Worse -- we could be sued for copyright infringement.
Janeway: Let's go try and talk to the Nasari.
Chakotay: Because they might be more amenable to discussion now that Harry's not on board?
Janeway: Because I'm not sure staying in orbit of a planet full of women is --
Paris: Captain, I think I'm also developing a case of Taresianitis. It must be infectious.
Janeway: -- a very good idea.
Paris: See? I've got spots just like Harry.
Janeway: Nice try, Mr. Paris. Set a course for the Nasari vessel.
Paris: Aye, captain.
Janeway: And wipe that magic marker off your face.
Kim: So, do you like it here?
Taymon: Like it? Are you kidding? The population is ninety percent female, and you get three wives!
Kim: James T. Kirk, eat your heart out!
Janeway: What can you tell us about Taresia?
Alben: (on viewscreen) Watch this movie. It should explain everything.
Janeway: (reading) Planet of the Evil Vampire Chicks?
Alben: That's the one.
Janeway: Shazbot.
Paris: The Taresians have put up a "Do Not Disturb" sign. Looks like Harry's screwed.
Janeway: Well, you know what they say about the third time being the charm.
Paris: You mean Harry's instincts might not get him killed this time?
Janeway: No, I mean maybe he'll actually stay dead.
Doc: Looks like Harry's human after all.
Janeway: But you said his introns --
Doc: Introns, shmintrons. They can explain anything -- just look at "Unnatural Selection" or "Genesis." The point is, the Taresians tricked us.
Janeway: Double shazbot! That does it, we're stealing him back.
Kim: Hello? Taymon? What the -- are you sucking his blood?
Malia: Yes.
(pause)
Malia: Aren't you going to run away?
Kim: Actually, I think it's kinda kinky. Where do I sign up?
Malia: How dare you! We just want to procreate our species by tricking men into thinking they're Taresian and then harvesting their bodily fluids, and you had to make it lewd and dirty! Get out of our sight, you sicko.
Kim: Can I at least keep the neat spots?
Malia: No.
Kim: Rats.
Paris: Well, Harry, I hope you've learned an important lesson from all this.
Kim: That I'm special even if I wasn't carried halfway across the galaxy as an embryo?
Paris: That you have worse instincts than a blind lemming.
Kim: Dang.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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