Five-Minute "Flashback"
by IJD GAF

Neelix: Try this.
Tuvok: Ahh...What is it?
Neelix: Orange juice.
Tuvok: A logicians' drink!

Captain's Log: Oh boy oh boy oh boy, a nebula! N-E-B-U-L-A! As we all know, I could say "nebula" all day....

Janeway: So what's so special about this nebulanebulanebula?
Chakotay: Captain?
Janeway: Nebula. I mean, sorry.
Torres: We could use its Sirillium with many of our ship's systems.
Janeway: Well put the nebula on screen.
Tuvok: (singing) Thanks for the memorieees....
Chakotay: Doctor, medical emergency -- a crazy Tuvok is just one step away from an evil Tuvok!

Doc: Hmm...hmm...hmm....
Tuvok: What's wrong?
Doc: Something's wrong? Sorry, I was on my "screening saver." It's of me looking busy.
Tuvok: Can you find out what's wrong then?
Doc: Probably not for another 50 minutes or so, but take this cortical scanner if it floats your boat.

Kes: What's that?
Tuvok: A Cathira -- a structure of harmony.
Kes: Isn't that design on the side of that block the Vulcan letter 'S'?
Tuvok: Well....
Kes: Come to think of it, they all have Vulcan letters on the sides! You're playing with blocks! Oh, this is rich....
Tuvok: (under his breath) Embarrassment is not logical...embarrassment is not logical...embarrassment is not logical....

Chakotay: Doing all right? You know, I find not thinking about my problems helpful.
Tuvok: I assure you, if I could shut down my higher brain functions as effortlessly as you, I would.
Torres: Our analysis shows no abnormal readings from the nebula.
Tuvok: No Klingons?
Kim: Nope.
Tuvok: No cloaked ships?
Kim: Nope.
Tuvok: No Original Series crewmembers floating in the vacuum?
Torres: Nope. However, we are picking up fifty abnormal readings from you.
Tuvok: (singing) Take your time...hurry up...the choice is yours, don't be late...memoriiiiiia....
Torres: ...and counting.

Doc: Wow, it didn't take me the whole episode to discover the problem. Tuvok is experiencing a repressed memory, and a battle between his subconscious and conscious minds.
Janeway: Woo, Freud would get a real kick out of this one... why am I here though?
Tuvok: I need to mind-meld with you to re-live my past.
Janeway: Sounds like a good excuse to meet Original Series crewmembers to me.
Tuvok: Exactly. Meet me in an hour?
Janeway: You bet.

Tuvok: Our minds are one, yadda yadda.
(Flash!)

Janeway: Woah, this isn't you pushing a little girl off a cliff.
Tuvok: What? We haven�t even mentioned that in the fiver, this is me being young with Sulu and Yeoman Rand.
Janeway: They don't look very young....
Tuvok: Er, not what I meant. By the way, we're battling Klingons.
Janeway: Why?
(Flash!)

Rand: You're making tea for the Captain?
Janeway: Because you made tea for the Captain?
Tuvok: No, of course not.
Rand: Then what are you doing?
Tuvok: Oh, not talking to you, I'm talking to my... er... imaginary 24th century Captain friend.
Rand: Whatever's in that tea, I'm not sure I'd give it to Captain Sulu.

Praxis: BOOOM!
Sulu: Aw, shucks. I soooo wanted to do that too. Who said that, anyway?
Lieutenant: Praxis, sir.
Janeway: What's all this?
Tuvok: Dialog from Star Trek VI, or at least the fiver of it.
Sulu: Shut up. You're not really in this movie anyway.
Tuvok: This isn't the movie, sir.
Sulu: Shh, I'm on a roll!
Janeway: So how is all this relevant?
Tuvok: Only for seeing if Captain Sulu could carry a series. I'll just play along though and show what a dumb ensign I was.
(Flash!)

Tuvok: Comraderie is illogical.
Sulu: I know better from conversations with Chekov. Don't worry, I don't blame you for being a dumb ensign; all of you are dumb this time period.
Tuvok: Thank you for giving me Harry Kim insult material, sir.
(Flash!)

Janeway: Oh boy, another...NEBULA!
Tuvok: GAK!
(Fzzt.)
Doc: Crap.

Kim: I've analyzed this nebula and the one the Excelsior saw. That one is huge, this one is small. That one was espresso, this one is decaf.
Janeway: Wow, we got gypped. You know, I always wondered what it'd be like to be a Captain back then.
Kim: One time I wondered what it'd be like to be an Ensign back then. Of course, then I realized I'd be dead in a week or less, and resumed fantasizing about impossible women.

Tuvok: Mind-meld, take two.
(Flash!)

Valtane: I can't sleep.
Tuvok: I can't stand humans; we all have our problems.
Janeway: I'm insulted.
Tuvok: Don't worry, I don't think that way anymore.
Janeway: But you just said it!
Tuvok: Er....
Sulu: (over the comm) RED ALERT!
Tuvok: Saved by the bell....

Sulu: Kang, long time no see. How's it going, bud?
Kang: (on screen) Bud? You're lucky I didn't kill you last time we met!
Sulu: True, but we all had a good laugh afterwards.
Kang: Ha! Just follow me back to Federation space.
Sulu: Gladly (aside to Tuvok) Set the Nebula on fire!
(FOOM!)
Sulu: Ha! Sulu 2, Kang 0!
Kang: But last time was a tie!
Sulu: Boo hoo.

Valtane: Uh oh, we're about to be deep-fried...GAK!
Sulu: Nah, just you.
Valtane: Tuvok! What about my appearance on the bridge at the end of Star Trek VI? Help me Tuvok, you're my only hope....
Tuvok: Crap.

Doctor: Crap, they're locked together.
Kes: Crap.

Sulu: What? A female Captain in black pajamas?
Janeway: Crap. I mean, (giggle) can I have your autograph?
Tuvok: Captain....
(Flash!)

Rand: You're making tea-- wait, Kate Mulgrew?
Janeway: You know, you're wearing way too much to be Rand. Allow me to help.

Doctor: Whoops, looks like I was wrong about figuring things out early. That girl-precipice thing is a virus pretending to be a memory.
Kes: How do we kill it?
Doctor: We irradiate Tuvok, of course.

Janeway: I'm liking this uniform.
Tuvok: I'm not liking this--
(Flash!)
Girl: Help me Tuvok, you're my only hope! GAK!
Tuvok: Help me Girl, you're my only hope! GAK!
Leia: Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! GAK!
(Flash!)

Doctor: Well that was interesting....
Tuvok: That gave me a headache.
Janeway: Well it filled our Original Series homage quota.
Kes: That's it? A false memory brought about memories of the Original Series?
Janeway: Heh heh, that's a funny way to put it.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Previous fiver: Basics, Part II
Next fiver: The Chute

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