Kim: ...Whooooooaaa! Hi, Tom. How'd you get down here? Did they trick you, too?
Paris: Yeah. Lousy white rabbit. I knew he was up to no good.
Kim: So, where are we?
Paris: I've narrowed it down to... not Kansas.
Captain's Log: Tom and Harry are still being held as suspects in a bombing, and nobody will tell us anything. Something's fishy in...wherever the heck we are. Assuming they have fish.
Janeway: I'm only going to say this once, Ambassador: let my people go!
Liria: (over the comm) I'm sorry, Captain, but the evidence implicating your crewmen in the bombing is irrefutable.
Chakotay: What kind of evidence?
Liria: Upon scanning them, we found large quantities of dihydrogen monoxide.
Janeway: Hm. Sounds like an airtight case. Tuvok, do you know what this means?
Tuvok: We get to spend the rest of the episode in a classic detective-story hunt for the real bombers?
Janeway: Good man.
Paris: I know you're probably mad that I got us arrested, again, but trust me -- you'll find this funny later. Especially the part where I beat you up to show off to the other prisoners. Boy, that was a hoot.
Kim: Urge to kill... rising....
Paris: I see that clamp jammed into our brainstems is really messing with your mind.
Kim: Right... the clamp.
Kim: I'm so hungry.
Paris: I know! Let's fantasize about food!
Kim: That's not helping. It's this stupid clamp; I can't think straight.
Paris: We'd better fantasize about the Delaney sisters too.
Kim: Time to pull a MacGyver and get us out of here. Got my nifty wired pipe?
Paris: Yep, right h--GAK!
Kim: See, this is why MacGyver always worked alone.
Captain's Log: We're still searching for the real perpetrators, but I think we all know this is just filler to add suspense to the A-plot.
Tuvok: We are approaching another ship. Since we require time to gather information on the whereabouts of Mr. Paris and Mr. Kim, as well as engineer a rescue operation, I have concluded that these are the perpetrators we are searching for.
Janeway: Good work, Tuvok. You're quite the detective.
Tuvok: Call me "Shervok."
Janeway: Our scans have determined that you were responsible for the bombing on Akritiri.
Vel: That's not true.
Janeway: So you deny that you are innocent?
Vel: Yes, we... no!
Janeway: Then your sister acted alone?
Piri: No I didn't! Wait, I mean....
Vel: All right, I admit it! We were responsible for the bombing.
Tuvok: Well done, Captain.
Janeway: Thank you. Evidence is no match for a little bit of good old fashioned trickery.
Paris: Harry, if you have a chance, I want you to save yourself.
Kim: Okay.
Paris: I'm injured and I'd only slow you -- hey!
Zio: It's taken me years, but I've finally determined the purpose of the clamp. Would you like to read my manifesto?
Kim: "One clamp to rule them all, one clamp to find them, one clamp to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
Zio: Brilliant, no?
Kim: Meh. It's a little melodromatic.
Zio: Well? What did you find?
Kim: The good news is, I could see stars.
Zio: Aha! The chute leads to the surface!
Kim: That would be the bad news....
Paris: Are we escaping soon?
Kim: Not exactly.
Paris: Tricksy Kimses! It lies, it is false! It's going to escape without us!
Kim: What?
Paris: I said, I'm sure you'll find another way out.
Kim: Um, right. If only I could think of some way to get all the prisoners to work together instead of fighting....
Kim: (singing) Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can; No need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man; Imagine all the people, sharing all the world....
Prisoners: Booooo!
Kim: (singing) ....You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one; I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one... OW! OW! OW! Those rocks are sharp, you tool!
Kim: Well, if John Lennon can't fix this problem then -- TOM! What are you doing to my pipe?
Paris: False Kimses! We hates them!
Kim: It's mine! You stoles it from us!
Paris: We smashes its pipe! Gone, gone, gone!
Kim: ARRRGH!
Paris: (choking) Mur...der...er!
Kim: Gasp!
Janeway: We've found the real bombers. You can let my officers go now.
Liria: (over the comm) I'm sorry, but our government would look foolish for overturning a blatantly false conviction in order to apprehend the real criminals. It can't be done.
Janeway: That's not very reasonable or logical.
Liria: Ha! Good one. -- Oh, you're serious? You must be new to this quadrant.
Janeway: Tell me where to find the prison.
Vel: What do we get in return?
Janeway: Ha! Good one. -- Oh, you're serious? I forgot you're new to this ship.
(Alarm sounds)
Prisoners: Ah... fresh meat.
Janeway: (emerging from the chute) You wish, sucker.
Tuvok: (emerging from the chute) ...Wheeeeeeee!
(pause)
Tuvok: What? I don't get out much.
Akritirian Patrol: (over the comm) Stand down and prepare to be boarded.
Neelix: Um... this isn't the ship you're looking for. He can go about his business.
Janeway: Neelix, for the last time, you can't do Jedi Mind Tricks.
Neelix: Can I at least fill in for Tom since I'm such a nifty pilot?
Janeway: Not unless you want to see Tuvok perform the Vulcan Death Grip.
Tuvok: But Captain, there is no --
Janeway: Shhh!
Kim: Sorry I tried to kill you, Tom. What do you remember?
Paris: Nothing important. I remember a good deal about a clamp and a Dark Lord and something about the end of the world but... wait, did you say you tried to kill me?
Kim: Er....
(Harry thinks up an excuse at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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