Five-Minute "Deadlock"
by Kira

Neelix: I suppose you've missed out on the whole "waiting on hand and foot" thing during your pregnancy since your husband is back in the Alpha Quadrant. Maybe I could help.
Ensign Wildman: That's very sweet of you, Neelix.
Neelix: Don't mention it. You can start with my broken replicator, and I'd like you to fix the thermal array. I asked Ensign Kim to look at it hours ago. And after that, maybe a foot rub would be nice.
Wildman: I think I'm having contractions.
Neelix: It's so hard to find good help these days....

Paris: This is ridiculous. What's taking so long?
Janeway: Are you forgetting the "Disaster" rule, Mr. Paris?
Paris: Yeah, yeah -- no births allowed unless there's a crisis.
Tuvok: Captain, I am detecting several Vidiian ships ahead.
Wildman: (over the comm) It's about damn time!

Wildman: Aaaaaaaaargh!
Doc: Hmm. It would appear that giving birth to a baby with horns is more difficult than I anticipated.
Kes: I'll prepare for a fetal transport.
Wildman: You mean I've been going through seven hours of labour and you could have transported this thing out of me?
Doc: No pain, no gain, Ensign.

Paris: Captain, the warp core has sprung a leak.
Janeway: Bridge to Torres -- prepare a series of proton bursts and start when I say "go."
Torres: (over the comm) We'll get right on it, Captain.
Chakotay: Way to go, B'Elanna!
(ZAP!)
Janeway: You and your big mouth.

Torres: Hurry up, Hogan. We have to seal this hull breach.
Hogan: Almost ready to go, Lieutenant.
(ZAP!)
Hogan: Gak!
Kim: You know, that joke is going to get old fast.
Torres: Oh, go away.
(ZAP! CRACK!)
Torres: Oops. Watch out for that hole in the hull there, Harry.
Kim: I'll get you for that B'ElannAAAAAAAAAAAAA....

Kes: Doctor, the baby is dead. UPN is going to kill us.
Doc: That's okay -- we'll just make her disappear and blame it on the captain.
Kes: Will that work?
Doc: You'd be surprised.

Chakotay: I've magnetized the hull; the damage has stopped.
Janeway: Phew! Good thing that's over.
Tuvok: Captain, may I remind you that Voyager is severely damaged, Ensign Kim is dead, Kes has disappeared, and the Doctor claims that Ensign Wildman's baby has mysteriously vanished.
Janeway: Always the wet blanket....

Janeway 2: I could have sworn I just saw myself enter the turbolift over there.
Kim 2: And sensors show she's not seeing things.
Janeway 2: Keep looking for anything unusual.
Chakotay 2: You mean like the duplicate Kes that's in Sickbay?
Janeway 2: Um... yes, like that.

Torres 2: A divergence field duplicated the ship. There are two Voyagers now.
Janeway 2: So this is how we never run out of shuttles....

Kes: On my ship, Ensign Wildman's baby died.
Doc 2: You mean we got two Kesses and the baby? Go us!
Kes: We got rid of Harry.
Doc 2: Let's call it a draw.

Torres: Someone is sending us a message.
Janeway: What does it say?
Torres: "Us 3, You 1."

Torres 2: Our plan to merge the ships didn't work.
Janeway 2: Don't worry, Lieutenant -- this may be my last chance to argue with myself without being outranked.

Janeway: If I blow my ship up, things will go back to normal.
Janeway 2: That's your answer to everything.

Janeway 2: (over the comm) Captain, I think you should reconsider blowing your ship up.
Janeway: Jealousy will get you nowhere.
Paris: Captain, there's a Vidiian ship approaching.
Janeway: Great! You can blow them up. Everybody wins!
Janeway 2: Deal.
Tuvok 2: I'm afraid not, Captain. It would take several hours to restore weapons.
Janeway: Again with the wet blanket....

Kes 2: Doctor, the Vidiians are trying to break into Sickbay.
Doc 2: Quick, I'll hide the baby while you all stall the Vidiians.
Kes 2: What do we look like, doorstops?

Chakotay 2: The Vidiians are all over the ship; we're outnumbered.
Janeway 2: I guess it's time for plan B -- setting the self-destruct sequence.
Kim 2: Wasn't that plan A?
Janeway 2: Just for that, I'm not going to let you stay and watch.
Chakotay 2: Can I leave too?
Janeway 2: No.

Janeway 2: I've got good news and bad news. We've been boarded by Vidiians.
Janeway: (over the comm) What's the good news?
Janeway 2: That was the good news -- now I've got a great excuse to blow up my ship! The bad news is I'm sending you Harry.

Janeway 2: Welcome to Voyager. Let me be the first to say, "See you in Hell, suckers."
Vidiian: Your people have very strange greetings. And what kind of a screen saver is "Auto-Destruct in 0:05"?
(BOOOOM)

Kim: Wow, I died and came back to life! Again! I must have the lives of a cat!
Janeway: And you're going to need every single one.
Kim: What was that?
Janeway: Nothing, Ensign, nothing. How do you feel about shuttle missions?
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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