Five-Minute "Investigations"

by Zeke

Kim: Being a master journalist, I should inform you that you need to make the show more serious.
Neelix: Okay, I'll dig up some dirt. But if you're a master journalist, why don't you have a show?
Kim: Um...uh...hey, look over there!

Talaxian: Hi, Neelix. Did you know one of your crew is leaving the ship?
Neelix: Major or minor character?
Talaxian: Major.
Neelix: Oh. No worries, then.

Neelix: Please tell me who's leaving! Pleeeeeeeeeease?
Janeway: Oh, all right! It's Tom Paris. Now quit whining!

Neelix: But why, Tom?
Paris: Because. That answer your question?
Neelix: No, but I'm sorry I asked.

Neelix: Everyone, I have a very important, dramatic farewell to say. (ahem) Thomas Eugene Paris...did not suck.

Torres: We're having a little trouble downstairs.
Janeway: Don't worry, it's probably just sabotage. Oh, and now that we're rid of Tommy Boy, let's get a new pilot so he can't come back.

Jonas: We got us a problem here. Anybody mind if I throw suspicion off myself by getting injured heroically?
Torres: Fine with me.
Jonas: Excellent. OW!

Neelix: You've saved the ship, Mr. Jonas! What are you going to do now?
Jonas: I'm going to Kazon Land! No, wait....

Janeway: We need to refuel. Any thoughts?
Neelix: We could go to Hemakkek.
Janeway: Why Hemakkek?
Neelix: Dunno, I heard the traitor mention it.

Talaxian: The Kazon just attacked us and kidnapped Tom Paris!
Janeway: Remind me again why I care?

Seska: Long time no see, Tom. Would you like to betray Voyager?
Paris: Hmm...that's a toughie. Can you leave for a minute so I can make up my mind?
Seska: Promise not to hack the computer?
Paris: I promise nothing.
Seska: Okay then.

Neelix: I think something's fishy about Tom's capture.
Kes: Mm-hmm, whatever.
Neelix: You're pretty cranky.
Kes: I'm practicing for "Fury." How's my angst?

Neelix: Mind if I look at this data, Jonas?
Jonas: No problem. While you're at it, DIE! DIEDIEDIE--no, I'd better save that for later.

Neelix: I think you should investigate.
Tuvok: No.
Neelix: Then I will.
Tuvok: Fine, I take it back. Anything but that.

Hogan: Hey, the sensor logs indicate that there's a traitor.
Neelix: I'll go trace the leak and get deceived into thinking it's Tom.

Neelix: Bad news, everybody -- looks like Tom Paris did suck after all.

Janeway: Shut down Neelix's show immediately, Tuvok!
Tuvok: Why not just change the channel?
Janeway: Nah, nothing else is on.

Janeway: Tom is actually helping us catch the traitor, Neelix.
Neelix: So he just faked the whole insubordination thing?
Janeway: And he did a good job of it, too -- being a jerk comes easily to him.
Chakotay: You never told me any of this! I'm outraged!
Janeway: I understand. But get over it before "Basics," 'kay?

Seska: Hey, you're hacking my computer!
Paris: Calm down! All I did was play a little Doom.
Seska: You didn't beat my score, did you?
Paris: Uh oh...gotta go!

Neelix: Hey, are you breaking the ship?
Jonas: No.
Neelix: You're the traitor, aren't you?
Jonas: No.
Neelix: I'll bet you're even the guy who wrote "Threshold."
Jonas: That's it, you're going down!

Paris: (over the comm) Can you guys please quit walking into that ambush and save me?
Janeway: Hmm...what's a worse fate, being destroyed by the Kazon or getting Tom back?
Tuvok: Tough call there.

Jonas: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIE--
Neelix: You first so I can see how it's done.
Jonas: Okay. YEAAAAAAGH!
Neelix: Hmm...no, I think I'd rather not.

Paris: Hi, everybody! I'm back, I'm on TV, and I'm very sorry to all you people I so gleefully offended.
Neelix: Now that's sincerity.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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