Five-Minute "11:59"
by IJD GAF

Neelix: Quick, tell me everything you know about the Great Wall of China.
Janeway: It's, uh...great and Chinese?
Neelix: You're no fun. I know everything about it.
Janeway: Why now?
Neelix: Because it has stuff in common with the Millennium Gate, and that's this episode's big plot device.
Janeway: Why didn't you say so in the first place? I could tell you all about my identical twin ancestor who built the thing!
Neelix: Bingo.

Shannon O'Donnell: Motorist's Log, Stardate 2000. Indiana sucks, my car's about to break, and I'm about to build a giant biodome, minus Pauly Shore. Let the fictional history begin!

Mean Guy 1: Hi. I'm the kind of guy you drive past when you need directions.
O'Donnell: Excuse me, sir, I need to know where I can get some gas.
Mean Guy 1: You're not too bright, lady, and you're about to hit a car.
O'Donnell: Shucks #1.
Mean Guy 2: You hit my car. That'll be $199.99.
O'Donnell: Shucks #2.
Car: Haha. I don't feel like starting anymore so you'll have to go find a plot somewhere else.
O'Donnell: Shucks #3. Perhaps I'll have better luck with someone without 'mean' in front of his name.

Henry Janeway: Welcome to my bookstore, or as Mark Twain would have said--
O'Donnell: You don't get out much, do you?
Henry: No, I don't. But my son is out and about, completely with the times, right, son?
Jason: Yep. I collect pogs and have every Spice Girls CD out there!
O'Donnell: Mmhmm...so what's with this "Millennium Gate" they're building?
Henry: IT IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL, I SAY!
O'Donnell: Touchy subject?
Jason: Took him days to snap out of it last time....

O'Donnell: I could go for a cold beer right now.
Henry: Beer is much too advanced for my tastes.
O'Donnell: What isn't too advanced for your tastes?
Henry: The Amish aren't that bad.
O'Donnell: Face it, this is almost 2001 -- the millennium!
Henry: No, no. Last year was the millennium.
O'Donnell: Last year was too close to this episode's airdate. This being the "millennium," we can have such trendy plot devices as the "Millennium Gate."
Henry: Ah, gotcha.

Gerald Moss: Here we see the future home of the Mille--
Henry: SPAWN OF SATAN!
Moss: Ah, yes. Its Janeway with his stubborn "ethics."
O'Donnell: Hey! They've kept the show going for five years now. And I resent the "his" part.
Henry: Psst...you're not a Janeway yet.
O'Donnell: Oh, right.

Moss: Progress good.
Henry: Progress bad.
Jason: Progress trendy.
O'Donnell: Regress confusing, but almost over.

Henry: And now for a night out on the--
O'Donnell: --top floor of your bookstore. Seriously, get a life, man.
Henry: Ok. Let's get down.
O'Donnell: Never!
Henry: Rethink that, will you? Consider your looks and my name on a certain Starfleet Captain.
O'Donnell: Rats.

Janeway: Seven, mind doing some geneology for me?
Seven: Geneology is irrelevant. And you're too far removed to have anything in common with that lady.
Janeway: I wouldn't be so sure....

Neelix: Eww...we found a freaky picture of you with grey hair.
Janeway: Time to get medieval on the fanboy who got snippets of "Endgame" this early....
Neelix: It's your 15th-great-grandmother.
Janeway: Eww, creepy. Now back to the history.

Moss: Let's role-play. I'll be Chakotay, you be Janeway.
O'Donnell: Um....
Moss: You should lay off that whole sleeping-in-the-car bit, and get your boyfriend to back down while you're at it.
O'Donnell: Who are you to tell me what to do and what not to do?
Moss: I have candy.
O'Donnell: Ooh, gimme.

O'Donnell: Time for a nice warm bonding scene.
Jason: But we just met you.
O'Donnell: Shut up, son, or I'll ground you.

O'Donnell: ....so in conclusion, progress good. And so is the Milleniu--
Henry: I DO DECLARE YOU ARE IN LEAGUE WITH THE DEVIL!
O'Donnell: You suck. I'm leaving.
Jason: I thought your car broke.
O'Donnell: Watch your mouth, son.

Kim: So, back in 2210, my ancestor had to go into stasis!
Paris: I don't believe you -- I watched Broken Bow.
Janeway: Ha. I had a real astronaut ancestor.
Paris: I don't believe you either. Go research that one.

Chakotay: You know, in 400 years, history may portray us entirely differently.
Janeway: Give it up, you'll always be the butt of the joke.

Jason: Come quick, it's dad.
O'Donnell: What are you doing up this late? And what is that all over your shoes?
Jason: I'm not your kid, and you have to go convince dad to tell those corporate pigs yes.
O'Donnell: Nah, not till the last minute.

Moss: Well, here it is: the last minute for O'Donnell to convince Janeway to let us tear up his family business.
O'Donnell: Hey, Henry. I love you. Let's close shop, 'kay?
Henry: But...but...'kay.
Jason: That's great news, mom.
O'Donnell: Don't call me mom, kid.

Neelix: Let's invent a holiday!
Doctor: And take a picture!
Janeway: And pout about boring ancestors!
Seven: She inspired you -- her boring-ness is irrelevant.
Janway: Don't give me that lip, young woman.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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