Five-Minute "The Offspring"
by saxamaphone

Lal: NOOOO... I mean, yes.

Picard: How can Data call it his child? Lal's an invention.
Troi: You wouldn't know, you've never had kids.
Picard: I'd love to be a parent -- I just hate kids.
Troi: That would make it kinda hard, wouldn't it?

Picard: You know this is going to be a big responsibility.
Data: I have prepared by reading a book by Ambassador Spock, A Logician's Guide to Baby and Child Care.
Picard: Fascinating.

Data: Lal, this is home.
Lal: Home: a place of residence, as in abode, dwelling, domicile....
Data: Ah, like father, like daughter.

Wesley: What does she do when you're working?
Data: Anything she wants without any supervision.
Wesley: Cool! Can I be your kid too?
Crusher: Wesley!
Wesley: Erm, I'd better go.

Lal: If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound?
Data: I do not know -- that is kind of a question for Chakotay.

Admiral Haftel: We want to study this new android.
Picard: Great! I'll use any excuse to get a kid off the Enterprise.
Haftel: But Lal's an android, not a kid.
Picard: Sorry, no deal then.

Lal: Father, the other kids made fun of me today!
Data: I am sure it was not all that bad.
Lal: They keep saying, "Your daddy is a walking thesaurus."
Data: Those little punks, rapscallions, miscreants, delinquents....

Guinan: So two androids walk into a bar --
Data: Hi Guinan, can my daughter work for you?
Guinan: No, you spoiled my joke.

Lal: What are that man and woman doing?
Guinan: Access the term "fooling around."
Lal: Intriguing!
Riker: What's a girl like you doing in a pl-- (is grabbed and kissed by Lal)
Data: What are you doing with my daughter?
Riker: Daughter? I guess you really are fully functional.

Haftel: I'm here to take Lal.
Picard: But you'll be breaking up a family.
Haftel: Nonsense -- they're both toasters.
Picard: I hear this from everyone! Look, if you put bread in Data, you're not going to get toast!
Haftel: Do you speak from experience?
Picard: Erm, no.

Haftel: There comes a time when a parent must give up their child.
Data: But, she is only a few weeks old.
Haftel: So? It worked with my kid. I say if they're old enough to spill their food, they're old enough to get a job.

Lal: I feel sad!
Troi: I sense that something's wrong, Lal.
Lal: I feel annoyed with you.

Haftel: I've had a sudden change of heart. It was a mistake to try and take Lal.
La Forge: So, she's going to be all right?
Haftel: No, unfortunately.
Troi: I knew something was wrong when I saw her wearing a red shirt today.

Data: Lal has ceased functioning.
Picard: We're all very sorry for your loss, Mr. Data.
Data: However, I downloaded her memories so she may live on. Hey... she never told me about that, or that! Commander Riker!
(Riker runs away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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