Five-Minute "Yesterday's Enterprise"

by Marc Richard

Worf: I do not date human females because I am too macho for them.
Guinan: You don't fool me. You're afraid of them, you coward!
Worf: Grrr...if you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand!
Guinan: Worf, I'm a woman and I'm sitting.
Worf: A true Klingon warrior splits skulls, not hairs!

Data: What we are seeing is a temporal rift in space.
Picard: Are you sure it isn't a spatial rift in time?
Data: Same difference.

Yar: The computer says the other vessel is the Enterprise-C.
Picard: That ship kicked the bucket years ago. What's it doing here?
Yar: Good question.

Riker: We're here to rescue you. I'm Riker.
Captain Garrett: I'm Garrett.
Yar: I'm single.
Lt. Castillo: I'm interested.
Riker: Knock it off, you two.

Riker: It would be nice to have another Enterprise, even if it's an old one.
Picard: Agreed. Data, could we use the rift to acquire the whole set?
Data: Including the NX-01, sir? Theoretically, yes.
Wesley: Gosh, imagine what that'd be worth on the collector's market!

Guinan: A war with the Klingons...half of Starfleet destroyed...none of this is right!
Picard: So what is the real timeline supposed to be like?
Guinan: You're supposed to have children on the ship and a Betazoid Counselor.
Picard: Good Lord, how horrible!

Picard: How did you escape the four Romulan Warbirds you were fighting?
Garrett: A temporal rift appeared and we ducked into it. Where did we end up?
Picard: In the middle of a war we're losing to the Klingons.
Garrett: Now I know that I shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning.
Picard: Do you want to hear a whole new definition of "this morning"?

Picard: Could we return the Enterprise-C to the past?
Data: Only if we still have the original sales receipt.

Castillo: These standard rations taste like cardboard.
Yar: It's been a long war. We're down to eating empty cereal boxes.

Picard: The Enterprise-C must go back in time to defend the Klingon outpost from the Romulans.
Riker: If you'd like our opinion, sir....
Picard: Ha! Is that why you think I call these staff meetings?

Garrett: All right, people, let's go restore history before the Klingons attack us!
(KABOOM!)
Garrett: GAK!
Castillo: So much for motivational speechmaking.

Yar: Let's play Twenty Questions.
Guinan: Okay. You lose.

Yar: I've always known the risks that come with a yellow Starfleet uniform.
Picard: (tugging on his jacket) Sadly true. Red is a much safer colour.
Yar: Is that why everyone on the Enterprise-C is wearing it?
Picard: Why don't you join them and find out?

Yar: I'm going back with you.
Castillo: Tasha, none of us will survive the battle!
Yar: Speak for yourself.

Picard: All right, people, let's protect the Enterprise-C against the Klingons while it enters the rift!
(KABOOM!)
Crewman: GAK!
Riker: GAK!
Warp Core: CRACK!
La Forge: Okay, that last one's gonna hurt.
Enterprise-D: KER-BLAM!

Guinan: (over the comm) Bridge, is everything cool up there?
Picard: You mean are we at peace with the Klingons? Of course.
Guinan: And is Counselor Troi with you?
Picard: Yes, but she's not saying anything today.

Guinan: Geordi, were you ever attracted to Tasha Yar?
La Forge: No, but I've always fantasized about meeting a blonde Romulan....
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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