Sheridan unveils groundhog plan

February 21, 2008

Captain John Sheridan, commander of the space station Babylon 5, today announced a new strategy in the ongoing conflict he has melodramatically dubbed the Shadow War.

"Groundhogs," Capt. Sheridan explained. "We're dispatching groundhogs to various points on the station, as well as Minbar and the Non-Aligned Worlds. The Rangers will report back to us whenever one of the groundhogs sees a Shadow. Based on that information, we'll know how long a war to prepare for."

Capt. Sheridan vigorously disputed criticisms of his new plan, which has been described by some prominent voices in the media as insane (see today's editorial). "This is a tried-and-true military technique; it goes back literally hundreds of minutes. Using groundhogs as our scouts will mean less risk for humans and other sentients. Granted, we'd prefer not to risk animals either, but we already tried cardboard cutouts and it didn't work."

According to Capt. Sheridan, the true architect of the groundhog surge is Vorlon Ambassador Kosh. "I'll never forget the last thing Kosh said to me before he di-- uh, fell down. He said 'Groundhogs are the key to GAK.' Look, the fall took a lot out of him. Anyway, Vorlons are never easy to understand, but I believe I've found the meaning of Kosh's words. My track record is pretty good. Remember when I saved us from that space probe a while ago? I realized just in time what Kosh had meant when he said 'Later today, blow up a probe.'"

"It may seem silly, or even just pun-based," continued Capt. Sheridan, "but this new plan will help us stave off the Shadows, and that's what counts. My critics call it rodenculous; I call it prodent."

Capt. Sheridan then died, but recovered in time to issue the groundhogs their assignments.

- Zeke