Trip hammered into submission

January 21, 2007

After four and a half years of embarrassments, humiliations, pokings, proddings, snottings, running around in underwear, smotherings, foldings, spindlings, mutilatings, freezings, burnings, shootings, and other tormentings, Commander Charles "Trip" Tucker III has conceded defeat to the website TripHammered.

"I held out as long as I could," explained the exhausted Cmdr. Tucker, "but I just can't take any more. I've got no endurance left. You win, evay. I surrender unconditionally. Now please, just put the hammer away."

TripHammered webmaster Evangelina "evay" Rimsky-Korsakov has accepted Cmdr. Tucker's surrender and will no longer be abusing him on a regular basis. "I'm keeping the website up as a deterrent," she explained. "It'll be there if Trip becomes a threat again. But I think he's learned his lesson."

Ms. Rimsky-Korsakov has not yet decided what her next project will be. "It's going to take a while to adjust. When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like Trip, you know? BSG would be the next logical step, and I can't claim the idea of LeeWasted hasn't crossed my mind, but there's so much more out there. There are other sci-fis, other genres... I could even make a website that has nothing to do with clobbering somebody!

"Right now, though, I'm busy deciding what instructions I'm going to give Trip now that he's surrendered. I have so many ideas. So very many ideas...."

Captain Jonathan Archer, Cmdr. Tucker's superior, expressed some relief at the outcome. "Of course I supported Trip, but it was so hard to watch this go on. Year after year he took hammering after hammering. This evay is just too powerful, damn her. I'm lucky my own attack website, ArchEnemies, gave up early on; I fooled them by pretending to enjoy it."

"Yes, sir. Pretending, sir," repeated Ensign Hoshi Sato. "Keep telling yourself that."

Lieutenant Malcolm Reed was defiant: "I support Trip's decision, but you fans had better remember that this is a special case. Not just everybody has evay's persistence. So don't think we're going to start rolling over for other fansites and giving them what they're after -- I'm talking to you, ReedOut."

Polls indicate that the public is generally satisfied with the outcome of the so-called War on Tucker. "I'm just glad it's all over and we can get back to our lives," commented one citizen. That's all very well for one citizen, but this reporter had four grand on Trip at 7:1 against. So much for that new car, the one with air conditioning and a CD player and a steering wheel that turns both directions. Remember to blame evay for the upcoming rise in traffic accidents.

- Zeke