Giants crush patriots

February 21, 2008

The Descriptor Bowl came to a dramatic conclusion Sunday night as the previously undefeated patriots were crushed by the giants a mere 20 seconds into the championship game.

The patriots' defeat ended not only their lives but also their season-long run of victories. Over the course of the 2007-08 season, the patriots had defeated every group they encountered, including the cowboys, the packers, and the cardinals. A particularly notable victory was over the redskins, whom the patriots vanquished as decisively as in their previous matchup of the 1800s.

"Hell of a game," observed sports commentator John Madden. "Those patriots came out strong. They were gonna win this thing for their country, whatever it took. And for a few seconds, it was looking good for 'em. But they weren't ready for the giants' superior offense."

"Patriotism is a powerful thing," mused political columnist Jay Nordlinger. "It can provide the strength and motivation to do almost anything. But it's a fairly poor defense against being stepped on."

The playoffs' end has come as a relief to the surviving teams in the Nominal Football League. While the giants did not share the patriots' perfect record (having been defeated in the regular season by the tailors, the slingshot-wielders, and, somehow, the Lilliputians), they were greatly feared for their habit of trampling the opposition. Over the course of the season, the giants killed nearly every team they played against -- beginning with the firemen, then the math teachers, and so on in that fashion. While not technically a rules violation, murdering the opposing team is generally considered unsportsmanlike behaviour; the giants are currently under investigation for possible steroid and/or magic cake use.

This year's bowl was the most-watched since 2005, when the cavemen defeated the astronauts in a hard-fought battle.

- Zeke