Five-Minute "Warhead"
by IJD GAF

Paris: Please? I'll pay you back double rations next month.
Neelix: All right, all right -- replicate your anniversary presents already.
Paris: (grabbing Neelix and kissing him) You're a saint!
Kim: (upon entering) Um....
Paris: It's not what it looks like!
Kim: I don't think I'm hungry anymore.

Kim: Report!
Jenkins: It's 4 in the morning.
Kim: What's our status?
Jenkins: Currently earning brownie points for rank advancement, sir.
Kim: (sigh) You don't even try to humor me during night shift.
Jenkins: Sir, detecting a distress signal!
Kim: Much better.

Kim: This is En--er--Emperor Kim of the Starship Voyager! What do you want?
Jenkins: There's nobody down there. Just a bunch of wreckage.
Kim: We could very well be dealing with the wreckage peoples of Scrapus VII.
Jenkins: You made that up, sir.
Kim: I'll inform the Commander. We've got an away team to assemble.

Doc: The distress signals are coming from this... warhead-shaped thing.
Kim: Sounds like a job for the commander of the away mission. Me.
Doc: Can you translate its beeping?
Kim: Well, no.
Doc: Then I'll handle this. (ahem) "Where am I? Who are you people?"
Kim: You're on an away mission with me, Emperor Kim commanding.
Doc: (sigh) You do for ego trips what Dadaism did for art.

Janeway: You let who lead the away team?
Chakotay: Everyone else was asleep.
Janeway: (sigh) Away team, report.
Doc: (over the comm) We found an amnesiatic machine. Permission to beam it aboard?
Janeway: Sounds harmless enough. Does Harry agree?
Doc: He's been crying since I scoffed at his attempts at egotism.
Janeway: (sigh) beam it aboard. Commander?
Chakotay: Yes?
Janeway: Not the best pair for an away team.

Doc: It says it had a companion.
Janeway: Hmm. Keep me informed.
Doc: Right.
Warhead: Beep Bop.
Doc: Oh yeah? Well you're not a real person either.
Warhead: Blip bop boop.
Doc: No you're not. Did we forget to tell you that part?
Warhead: Ba-dup.
Doc: Oops. Well I hope you won't hold it against us.

Seven: I found its companion.
Janeway: Where? All I see is a 200 kilometer-wide crater.
Seven: If you had an ocular implant, you'd see its molecules spread out uniformly across it.
Janeway: I guess I'll take your word for it.

Doc: We can't just abandon a sentient being!
Janeway: It's either that, or having pieces of us make it back to the Alpha Quadrant from the force of the explosion.
Kim: Really?
Doc: Er, what if we removed the bomb components from the device?
Janeway: Sounds about as feasible as removing the bomb components from Pauly Shore.

Torres: There we go, almost there. Now all we have to do is shut you down and--
Warhead: Woop! Woop!
Doc: It's angry.
Warhead: Tick...tick...tick....
Janeway: (over the comm) Shut it down immediately.
Fzzt.
Torres: I think that worked....
Doc/Warhead: Nope.
Torres: Oh crap.

Doc/Warhead: (over the comm) I wanna go destroy the enemies!
Chakotay: (aside) Has he always been this whiney?
Janeway: (ahem) We won't help you wage a war, Doctor.
Doc/Warhead: Then I'll detonate, I swear.
Janeway: (aside) Can he do that?
Doc/Warhead: Tick... tick... tick....
Janeway: All right, all right. We're altering course already.

Neelix: Excuse me, Captain--
Janeway: Not now.
Neelix: But I have a power node using the same technology. See?
Power Node: Tick...tick...tick....
Janeway: Oooh, nifty.

Torres: So, looks like we're hostages to the warhead.
Kim: Yep. Speaker credits can be deceiving.
Torres: Dude, it's been "warhead" the whole time.
Kim: You're right, I'm wrong. Such is life.
Torres: Get that ego back and talk your way out of this, Eeyore.
Kim: (sigh) Yes ma'am.

Kim: Um, you know you don't have to do this.
Doc/Warhead: I'm programmed to do this. Of course I have to.
Kim: Right, but you've also got a personality and stuff. That's more important than programming!
Doc/Warhead: You're programmed to eat and sleep. Will you ever stop doing those things and just be a personality?
Kim: Um....
Doc/Warhead: Didn't think so. Now go sit in the corner and make babies with her, or whatever you humans do.
Torres: GLARE
Kim: I dunno about that. Her glare is audible.

Janeway: (holding power node) Apparently our hedgehog cook acquired this from you. Do you know anything about the explosive device in our sickbay?
Onquanii: (on the screen) Of course not. Onquanii out.
Janeway: Hmm, he doesn't appear to be leaving....
Tuvok: I'm detecting a transporter signal. He's targeting sickbay.
Onquanii's ship: Kaboom!
Janeway: How did--
Doc/Warhead: (over the comm) Don't talk to strangers. Just be a good chauffeur and escort a bomb to the enemy in style, okay?
Janeway: Ugh.

Doc/Warhead: Hey, meatbags -- I need your help.
Kim: We're not very good at blowing things up.
Doc/Warhead: No, no. I need your help retrieving some lost memory files.
Kim: Let's see... the ones rescinding your orders to blow up "the enemy"?
Doc/Warhead: Um. No, the other ones.
Kim: Ha, I outwitted you! Ego returning!
Doc/Warhead: Nope, ignorance is bliss. I choose to ignore the data.
Kim: Crap! Didn't expect to be outdumbed....

Kaboom!
Janeway: (over the comm) We seem to have hit a mine. Our science borg has been injured.
Doc/Warhead: (sigh) Okay, treat her here.
Neelix: (upon entering with Seven) Hello Doctor Warhead.
Doc/Warhead: Just get on with this.
(Seven injects nanoprobes into the warhead)
Seven: Gah!
Doc/Warhead: Your pathetic attempts to disable me did not succeed. I have countermeasures designed to destroy any threat on contact. See what happened to her?
Kim: Actually, I think she's in shock from her nanoprobes not saving the day for once.
Doc/Warhead: Whatever.

Janeway: (over the comm) We just detected 32 vessels dropping out of warp.
Doc/Warhead: Friends! Comrades!
Janeway: Uh oh.
Doc/Warhead: Transfer me back to the device and beam me over there.
Kim: Wuss. You're just running away from your orders to cease.
Doc/Warhead: I--
Kim: If I were you, I'd acknowledge my orders and blow up all my friends out there.
Doc/Warhead: Oh yeah?
Kim: Well....
Doc/Warhead: Fine, you win. I'll do it.
Kim: Woohoo, I win!

Fzzt.
Warhead #19: Hey look, he's coming to help increase our total amount of overkill!
Warhead #28: I dunno, it sort of looks like he's armi--
Warheads: KA-BOOM!

Chakotay: Hooray for Harry!
Janeway: Don't start.

Jenkins: So, I heard you out-egoed a warhead.
Kim: Also the doctor. At the same time.
Jenkins: I didn't hear that part.
Kim: Well you'll have to tell everyone. Let me clear up all the details. You see....
(Ensign Kim babbles on all night at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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