Five-Minute "Tuvix"
by Zeke

Neelix: Come on, have a little fun!
Tuvok: Bite me.

Hogan: Looks like there's a glitch in the transporter.
Kim: Beam 'em up and let's see what we get. WHOA! Are you Tuvok or Neelix?
Tuvix: Yep.

Doc: He's a perfect blend of Tuvok and Neelix.
Tuvix: Cool! Don't you agree, Captain?
Janeway: Uh....

Doc: You need a name.
Tuvix: Look who's talking. How about "Neelituvokix"?
Doc: It'll never sell. Let's go with the one from the episode title.
Tuvix: Works for me. Hi, honey!
Kes: Uh....

Janeway: You can be the cook, I guess.
Tuvix: Aw, but I wanna be the tactical security thingie guy.
Janeway: Oh, all right.

Doc: Tuvix is so annoying! Can you please release him?
Janeway: Okay, but look who's talking.

Janeway: Come on, somebody must have some idea how this happened.
Everybody: Uh....
Tuvix: Well, I have an idea. It was caused by technobabble.

Tuvix: Hi again, honey! Wanna have dinner?
Kes: Uh....
Tuvix: I wish everybody would quit saying that.

Tuvix: Everybody outta here!
Hogan: Oh yeah? You're not the boss of me, mister!
Tuvix: Actually, I'm two bosses of you.
Hogan: Damn.

Chakotay: As usual, my people have a saying that casts all this into doubt.
Janeway: As usual, I'm not going to pay attention.

Doc: So far, no good. It may be impossible to split Tuvix again.
Paris: Come on, Doc -- this is episodic TV.

Tuvix: I love you.
Kes: Isn't that semi-adultery or something?
Tuvix: Meh.

Kes: This new guy creeps me out. I want Neelix back.
Janeway: Too bad.
Kes: That was very comforting.

Kim: It is now about two weeks after the formation of Tuvix.
Paris: We know.
Kim: Well, somebody had to say it. We're in a textual medium here.

Kes: You know, maybe you don't suck after all.
Tuvix: Woo hoo! Nothing can go wrong now!
Doc: (over the comm) You just jinxed yourself, pal.

Doc: Now that everybody's gotten used to Tuvix, I've figured out how to split him.
Janeway: Cool! Don't you think so, Tuvix?
Tuvix: Uh....

Janeway: Is it okay with you if I kill you?
Tuvix: NO!
Janeway: But what about Tuvok and Neelix?
Tuvix: Who cares about them?
Janeway: I dunno, some people. Oh, and UPN.
Tuvix: Uh oh....

Kes: Tuvix wanted me to speak to you on his behalf.
Janeway: Are you going to?
Kes: Nah.

Janeway: I've decided. Let's go, Tuvix.
Tuvix: No. This is wrong, and I'm sure somebody on this bridge agrees.
Everybody: Uh....
Tuvix: Come on, people! I'm dyin' here!
Janeway: Aw, give it up. Let's go.

Janeway: Kill him, Doc.
Doc: I don't wanna.
Janeway: Then I will.

Kim: The adventure is over, but the moral uncertainty lingers.
Paris: Quit doing that!
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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