Five-Minute "Sacred Ground"
by Zeke

Neelix: Oo, nice shrine.
Kes: I think I'll walk in and get zapped.

Torres: Hey, what happened to Kes?
Nakami: The shrine zapped her.
Kim: Cool! How does it work?

Doc: She's down, but not quite out.
Neelix: Waaaa!
Janeway: Oh, go find something to do.

Nakami: Sorry your crew member's dead.
Janeway: Comatose.
Nakami: Whatever.
Janeway: But can't you do anything to help us?
Nakami: Not me. Try the monks.

Janeway: Anything to report?
Doc: Kes isn't getting any better, and B'Elanna and Harry are whining.
Neelix: Me too! Don't forget me!

Neelix: ...and then the King went through the ritual and the gods spared his son.
Janeway: So we know how to get a son spared, but what about Kes?

Janeway: I'm going through their ritual.
Chakotay: I thought you didn't like religion.
Janeway: I like it when it's useful. Otherwise it can bite me.

Nakami: The monks are really looking forward to putting you through the potentially-agonizing ritual.
Janeway: Excellent.

Janeway: Hey, give back my tricorder!
Guide: Nope.
Janeway: Guess that makes you my guide.

Janeway: Quit stripping me!
Guide: Hey, loosen up. This is your only semi-nude scene this season.

Janeway: Been here long?
Old People: Forever.
Janeway: Uh oh. Can I go now?

Guide: So what do you wanna do?
Janeway: I dunno, what do you wanna do?
Guide: This could go on all day. Here, have a hallucinogenic rock.

Chakotay: Whoa! What's happening to her?
Doc: Don't worry, she's probably just under intense physical and mental pressure.

Guide: Having fun?
Janeway: Sorta.

Neelix: Waaa! It's just not fair!
Doc: Oh, shut up.

Guide: Ready to enter the spirit realm?
Janeway: Yep.
Guide: Okay, just stick your hand in here.
Janeway: OW! That's not the spirit realm!
Guide: Not particularly. Excuse me while I bury you alive.

Doc: She's fine.
Chakotay: But she's been down there poisoned for three days!
Doc: Seriously, she's fine.
Chakotay: Okay, but I'm staying here to bug you till she gets back.

Guide: Hi! How're you doing?
Janeway: Been better. Can I make my wish now?
Guide: Sure.
Janeway: I wish Kes were conscious again.
Guide: The ancestral spirits say you can do it yourself.
Janeway: Excellent.

Guide: How'd it go?
Janeway: I won.
Guide: Good for you. Bye now.

Doc: She's fine. Told you so.
Chakotay: Oh, shut up.
Janeway: So can you fix Kes now?
Doc: Yep. Hang on a sec....
Kes: AAAAAGH!
Doc: Oops. Um, did anyone have a plan B?

Janeway: So that was all for nothing?
Guide: Yep. In your face!

Old People: What're you gonna do now?
Janeway: I have no idea.
Old People: Try taking her back into the shrine.
Janeway: Wouldn't that zap us both?
Old People: Only if you expect it to.
Janeway: Might as well, then.

Chakotay: This is crazy!
Janeway: No, it's not!
Neelix: Yes, it is!
Guide: They both suck. Just do it.

Kes: Whoa! That's much better.

Doc: ...and so the isofloozels garxed the micropleem, and that made the zap fix you.
Kes: Cool.
Janeway: Nuts.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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