Five-Minute "One Small Step"
by Marc Richard

Lt. Kelly: (over the comm) How are the Martian surface conditions?
Ground Team Leader: Pretty rough. My golf ball just rolled into a hazard.
Kelly: Uh...speaking of hazards, guess what's heading straight for the command module?
Leader: Bad joke, Kelly. Kelly? Hello?

Doors to Chakotay's Quarters: Whissh...whump...whissh...whump...whissh....
Chakotay: (leaping through doors) Yee-hah!
Doors: Whump!
Chakotay: OW!

Chakotay: I didn't authorize these engineering changes.
Seven: I decided to improve the computer core's efficiency.
Chakotay: What about B'Elanna?
Seven: Find me her schematics and I'll work on her next.

Kim: Look -- a graviton ellipse!
Chakotay: Gosh, I wonder if it's the same one that swallowed the old Ares IV spacecraft?
Janeway: Get real. Do you realize the odds of our running across anything from the Alpha Quadrant out here?

Tuvok: There are compounds unknown to our science inside the anomaly.
Seven: Excuse me for a moment while I yawn.
Tuvok: I am also detecting traces of the Ares IV command module.
Seven: I shall attempt to contain my excitement.

Paris: Let me take the Flyer to look for the command module.
Janeway: All right, but bring Chakotay along. He'll keep you from doing anything reckless.

Seven: This archaeological mission is risky, pointless and stupid.
Janeway: I'm delighted to hear you volunteering for it.

Chakotay: I really admire those early spaceflight pioneers.
Paris: Me too. We have it easy compared to all the hardships they endured.
Seven: (entering) Are you both ready to depart?
Paris: In a minute. I've gotta pick up my sonic toothbrush first.

Doctor: What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes right now!
Seven: Seeing you walk in these heels should prove entertaining.

Paris: Wow, look at all the weird stuff in here!
Chakotay: Some of these ancient rocks could represent the beginning of life itself!
Seven: Ho-hum.

Torres: There's a dark-matter asteroid approaching.
Janeway: Yeah, right. What next...antimatter radiation?

Seven: We must get out before the asteroid hits the ellipse!
Paris: We'll have to stop tractoring the Ares IV to make it in time!
Chakotay: Stay cool. All we need is another second...
(KABOOM!)
Chakotay: (zapped by panel) ...ORRRRR T-T-T-T-TWO-OOO-OOO-OOO!

Seven: Your irresponsible, obsessive actions have sentenced us to death!
Chakotay: That's one way of looking at it.

Paris: Could we use a three-hundred-year-old part from the Ares IV to fix the Flyer's ultramodern engines?
Torres: (over the comm) Obviously.

Seven: I've arrived inside the command module.
Paris: (over the comm) I'm so envious.
Chakotay: (over the comm) It's sad to think that this historic moment means nothing to you.
Seven: (writes ANNIE WAS HERE on bulkhead) No, nothing at all.

Seven: I've found the engine part we need.
Paris: (over the comm) Be sure to pick up some souvenirs too.
Seven: I already did. I have an old photograph for you and Lt. Kelly's log for myself.
Chakotay: (over the comm) What are you bringing back for me?
Seven: It's a surprise.

Janeway: May the brave Lt. Kelly rest in eternal peace.
Seven: Providing he doesn't get reanimated by the Kobali, of course.
(Kelly's torpedo-coffin sails away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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