Five-Minute "Memorial"
by Kira

Kim: This camping trip sucks!
Chakotay: It's not our fault. We didn't even invite you -- you stowed away in the cargo hold!
Kim: I still reserve the right to complain.
Janeway: (over the comm) Hey guys, welcome ba-- ugh. What's that odor?
Paris: Ha! I told you she'd be able to smell you guys over the comm. You all owe me five bucks.

Torres: Look what I got you, Tom -- a television!
Paris: Wow! It's like a holodeck, but... flatter.
Torres: Also without the safety features.
Paris: Pfft. You don't need safety features on a television.

Television: BANG! BOOM! RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
Paris: Hm. This t.v. is nice and all, but I wish I had surround sound.
Battle: BANG! BOOM! RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
Paris: Not exactly what I had in mAAAAAAAAA!

Kim: ...and then all of a sudden I just started hyperventilating in the Jeffries tube. It was strange.
Doc: Sounds to me like you have a case of being a huge wuss.
Kim: You're just mad I didn't let you stow away in my pocket to come on our camping trip.

Neelix: Chopping vegetables with a big knife makes Neelix something something.
Naomi: Cook dinner?
Neelix: Um, no.
Naomi: Really hungry?
Neelix: No.
Naomi: It doesn't? You're crazy.
Neelix: Don't mind if I do!

Chakotay: Stop! You're firing on civilians! We were just supposed to evacuate them, not shoot them.
Saavdra: It's not my fault they all have big bullseyes on them.
Nakan 1: I told you getting those jackets was a bad idea.
Nakan 2: Oh, shut up and die tragically already.

Tuvok: I believe Mr. Neelix is hallucinating. He insists that his clothes are "just a fashion statement."
Chakotay: I'll take it from here, Tuvok. (ahem) Neelix, we're very sorry we mistook your jackets for bullseyes. It won't happen again.
Neelix: Fine, but I'm keeping Naomi away from Tuvok.
Tuvok: Mr. Neelix, I am not responsible for Starfleet policy in hostage situations.
Naomi: "Let's shoot the hostage"?
Tuvok: I didn't say it was a good policy.

Janeway: I should've known I couldn't send the four of you on an away mission without you screwing it up. What happened?
Paris: I remember now! We were involved in an alien war!
Janeway: Breaking the Prime Directive? That's my boy!
Kim: And we killed a bunch of innocent colonists!
Janeway: Harry, I'm shocked and apalled.
Kim: But we all --
Janeway: No time for excuses, Harry -- we need a torturous flashback.

Paris: We've got the colonists rounded up, sir.
Chakotay: Good work. Are you sure you got them all?
Nakan Colonists: Die, scum! DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE--
Paris: Um... no?

Kim: AAAAAAAAAA! DIEDIEDIE!
Nakan Man: Please don't hurt us, Mr. Wussy Soldier sir.
Kim: Hey, is that a knife?
Nakan Woman: No, it's a sp--
Kim: Looks like a knife. (ZAP!)
Nakan Man: GAK!
Kim: Oops. It was just a spoon.
Nakan Woman: I see you've played knifey-spoony before.

Captain's Log: Just like Chakotay to run around shooting things without inviting me. Now I have to go all the way back to this planet to see what I missed. Note to self: next time, stow away in the cargo hold.

Seven: Was this man involved in the battle?
Chakotay: Nope -- he wanted to sell us edible tricorders. We bought half a dozen. They were much tastier than Neelix's chili.
Seven: I'm amazed any of you made it back alive. Was this planet involved in the battle?
Janeway: Hey, I know that planet. I wonder how that... uh oh.

Janeway: You killed the Nakan! You bastard!
Saavdra: It's not my fault my attempt to bully helpless colonists backfired. (ZAP!)
Janeway: And now you vaporized them! You ba--
Saavdra: Watch me threaten you and not care.
Janeway: When I get to Tarakis with my ship, you are so dead.
Saavdra: You betcha!
Janeway: Funny, my threats usually don't go over quite that well....

Janeway: Aaaaaa! What happened?
Doc: You went bonkers, along with half the crew. Please note that I, unlike some Starfleet captains I could name, did not just erase your memories of the incident to restore you to convenient sanity.
Janeway: That's because you couldn't, right?
Doc: Shut up. Anyway, whatever's on this planet is making the crew go nutty. I suggest we turn around.
Janeway: Noted. Helm, set a course for Tarakis, maximum warp.
Doc: I knew I should have asked for that reverse psychology subroutine.

Chakotay: I don't get it. This all looks familiar, but where's the fighting? Where's the carnage?
Janeway: Let this be a lesson to you -- don't trust travel brochures.

Kim: The people I shot are right over there.
Tuvok: It appears that they have been dead for several hundred years.
Kim: That's odd; it seems like just yesterday.

Janeway: It looks like everything we experienced was just hallucinations caused by this memorial.
Chakotay: You mean it implanted memories in us? That's rude.
Memorial: It beats trying to actually attract visitors. When was the last time any of you visited the Alamo? Or Wolf 359?
Chakotay: I'll put it on my "Virtual Season To Do List."

Kim: I can't believe you're making us repair this thing. Why didn't we just shut it down?
Janeway: Harry, future generations have the right to learn about what you did here.
Kim: But I didn't do anything!
Janeway: That will be for history to decide, Ensign.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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