Five-Minute "Future's End"
by Zeke

Timeship: CRASH!
Starling: Oooo.

Janeway: Tennis is fun. We should try it.
Tuvok: Captain, please! There's only so much illogic my Vulcan ears can take!
Janeway: No, seriously. It's not unprecedented -- I’m sure I can remember Kira playing it once.
Tuvok: Wasn't that ambo-jitsu?
Janeway: That was Riker.
Tuvok: Dom-jot?
Janeway: Picard.
Tuvok: Table tennis?
Janeway: Oh, get out.

Braxton: Janeway!
Chakotay: She can't come to the comm right now, but if you'll leave your name and --
Janeway: It's okay, I'm back. Can I help you, Mr...?
Braxton: Braxton. I'd like you to blow up your ship, please.
Janeway: Sure. Computer, initiate auto-destruct sequence, authorization code "Yeah right, sucker."
Braxton: I see this is the slow class. Look, if I don't blow you up, you're going to cause a big future explosion that nukes Earth.
Janeway: Meh. They'll have it coming.

Tuvok: Braxton just fired at us. Shall I raise shields?
Janeway: Yes, and it had better be a really slow shot.
Braxton: No! You fools! You'll --
(BOOM)
Janeway: What just happened?
Chakotay: Who cares? It shut Future Boy up.

Kim: Captain, there's a rift in front of us.
Janeway: I'm very sorry to hear that, Harry. But the usual phrase would be "a rift between us."
Kim: A temporal rift, you doofus. Braxton just fell through it.
Janeway: Maintain your course, Mr. Hawk! I must follow him back... repair whatever damage he's done....
Paris: I've asked you to stop calling me that, ma'am.

Janeway: Damage report.
Chakotay: We lost fourteen redshirts during the acceleration alone, but the ship's fine.
Tuvok: Captain...Earth.
Paris: That's really Earth? I thought you were just putting the picture up as a morale thing.
Janeway: Mr. Kim, the date! I need to know the exact date!
Kim: November 23rd...1996!
Chakotay: November 23rd. The day before First Contact was released.
Janeway: That's what they came here to do! Stop First Contact! Ensign, where is the launch scheduled to take place?
Kim: Western hemisphere... North American continent... looks like a population complex in southern California.
Tuvok: Why is it always that stupid country?
Paris: Look on the bright side, Tuvok -- at least it's not Bozeman this time.

Transporters: WHOOSH
Chakotay: Gah! We've been beamed into an area full of half-naked men!
Torres: (over the comm) And that's how it'll be every time until you quit sticking me with transporter duty.
Chakotay: Fine, pick someone else.
Janeway: Belay that order.

Tuvok: Sunbathing...geez. Humans are such doofs.
Paris: Says the guy from a desert planet. You've built up a grudge against suns, haven't you?
Tuvok: The stupid things give me freckles.

Rain: Doo de doo de doo....
Rain's Computer: Detecting a ship in orbit.
Rain: About time! Three years of "doo de doo de doo" were plenty.

Rain: (over the phone) So should I contact them?
Starling: No! Leave that to m-- nobody.
Rain: Should I at least report this to SETI?
Starling: No, I'll do that ne-- later.
Rain: Heh heh. I love your imitation of a trecherous boss.
Starling: You should see my Ed Begley Jr.

Comm Babe: We just got a transmission...looks like a bunch of information about humans.
Kim: Does that include pictures of naked men? 'Cause if so, B'Elanna's getting busted.
Comm Babe: It does, but just the best-known examples. You know...Michelangelo's David, da Vinci sketches, James Marsters....
Kim: Ah, yes. The classics.

Janeway: Someone's found Voyager. Tom, Tuvok, go kill her....
Tuvok: Captain!
Janeway: ....hard drive.
Torres: (over the comm) Captain!
Janeway: What now?
Torres: Sorry. I just like technology.

Braxton: YOU!
Janeway: US!
Braxton: Silence! You blew up my ship, stuck me in the past, and caused the entire future to explode! What do you have to say for yourselves?
Janeway: Chakotay, you wanna tell him?
Chakotay: Sure. (ahem) Us 1, Braxton 0.

Starling: Go find the future people and stop them. You may need the weapon.
Dunbar: You don't mean --
Starling: I do.
Dunbar: Oh boy. It's gonna be hard to sleep at night after using The Transformed Man on someone.
Starling: Don't be a baby -- and don't forget your earplugs.

Paris: Hi! Can we erase your hard drive?
Rain: Who are you?
Paris: Oh, how rude of me -- I forgot to introduce us. I'm Fox Mulder and this is my partner, Dana Scully.
Rain: Yikes! FBI! Go ahead, do what you want!
Paris: (Heh heh. I told you to let me pick the aliases.)
Tuvok: (I still say Abbott and Costello would have worked just fine.)

Rain: Hey! You wiped my hard drive and... wait a sec, who's that guy?
Paris: I think he's one of Starling's goons. Looks like he's going to use that CD player on us.
Tuvok: Pfft. CD player. How bad can --
William Shatner: Suddenly! Someone! Is there! At the turnstile! The girl with kaleiiiiiiidoscope eyes....
Paris: OH MY GOD! It's Shatner's cover of "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds"! Are you 20th-century people even HUMAN?
Tuvok: The pain! THE PAIN!
Dunbar: Heaven forgive me....

Kim: Watching soap operas, I see.
Neelix: Yup.
Kim: Not getting addicted or anything, are you?
Kes: Nope.
Kim: So you can stop any time you want?
Neelix: Yessir.
Kim: Okay, I'm just gonna switch to TSN for a second.
Kes: Do and die.

Chakotay: So now we just break into Starling's office and steal the timeship. Simple.
Janeway: I don't know, Chakotay... I'm having second thoughts.
Chakotay: That's understandable. Breaking the law is hard to --
Janeway: I mean, if Braxton's right, I'm scheduled to self-destruct the future. I've wanted to do that ever since I was a little girl.
Chakotay: Really? Me too, except what I wanted to do was make the future less interesting.
Janeway: And you weren't a little girl.
Chakotay: Um... yes, that's right.

Rain: Oh, my ears... I can't believe we're still alive.
Tuvok: We got lucky. The thug stopped the CD -- he must have thought we were already dead.
Rain: So where are we now?
Paris: On the road in a truck, looking for America.
Rain: I object.
Tuvok: Aw, have a little pity. Tom hasn't had a romance since Season 1.

Starling: Aha! Thought you could sneak in here without getting caught, eh?
Janeway: Nope. That's why I brought Chakotay.
Chakotay: Why, Captain, I'm flattered you think so highly of -- WHOAAA!
Dunbar: Oof! She threw him at us to give herself time to escape!
Starling: Well, stop them! Use the CD if you have to!
Transporters: WHOOSH
Dunbar: Whew! I don't know if I could have done that again.

Janeway: How did we get back on the ship?
Kim: Oh, I beamed you up.
Janeway: But you weren't in range.
Kim: I flew in lower.
Janeway: Risky.
Kim: I had no choice. The soap opera reception was fading and Kes had a gun.

Starling: Ha ha! I've stolen your doctor!
Everyone: (over the comm) Yay!
Starling: I was expecting "Uh oh" or "Oh nuts" or something.
Janeway: You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Reporter: This just in -- Voyager has been spotted on TV. This confirmed UFO sighting is a momentous occasion for the entire world, except for this reporter, who gets UPN. In other news, Part I just ended, which begs the question... what does that mean?

Rain: Yawwwwn. Always nice to wake up in a van commandeered by handsome desperadoes.
Paris: I've always felt that way. Got a communicator in here?
Rain: Yeah, it's in the back where I keep all the other stuff I don't have.
Paris: Okay, I'll go ch-- hey! Isn't that where you said your tricorder was?
Rain: What's your point?

Janeway: So Voyager's on TV, our weapons are down, and Starling thinks we're sissies. What does that do to the score?
Chakotay: Us 5, everybody else 26.
Janeway: Damn! We were winning for a while there. Anyway, let's get a damage report and --
Kes: (over the comm) The Doctor's gone!
Janeway: You said that in Part I.
Kes: I'm milking it for every line I can get. There's still time to change UPN's mind.

Tuvok: (over the comm) How's life?
Janeway: You're risking detection to ask "How's life?"
Tuvok: Just trying to be polite. Thought you should know we found a local babe who's hitting it off with Paris.
Janeway: Does she have useful tech skills?
Tuvok: Oh yeah, that too.

Starling: Tell me Voyager's secrets or I'll hurt you.
Doc: Ha! I don't know the meaning of pain. Well, actually I do, but only because I have a dictionary subroutine. "pain (pän) n. 1: An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying --"
Starling: Wait a minute. You're a doctor, but you only know the dictionary definition of pain?
Doc: I'll thank you not to critiAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!
Starling: Okay, I won't.

Rain: (over the phone) Hey evil bossman, can we meet up?
Starling: That sounds suspicious. Why?
Rain: Because I'm very attracted to you.
Starling: Ahh, okay. Nothing unusual then.

Rain: Here he comes. Everybody lie low....
Tuvok: That's one NICE limo.
Paris: Shhh!

Starling: Hi. No offense, but I was a little uncomfortable meeting you alone, so I brought a friend.
Rain: Great, a chaperone. A bald chaperone.
Doc: I'll thank you not to AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH! What was that for?
Starling: I just have a thing about that phrase. Okay, Rain, please enter my cushy limo.
Rain: Not really part of the plan.
Starling: Okay, enter the limo or I'll bludgeon you with this banana! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Rain: Let's break the scene on that suspenseful note, shall we?

Torres: And now, the last of the great C/T scenes.
Chakotay: What? NO! NOOOOO! They told me we were just going to beam up Starling, not perpetuate that...THING!
Torres: Oh, just relax and enjoy it.
Chakotay: NEVER! I will NEVER indulge in some fling with a hot, intelligent subordinate!
Torres: You say that now.

Rain: So you want me to get in the limo.
Starling: That's right.
Rain: And if I don't, you'll banana me.
Starling: Also right.
Rain: Why am I not intimidated?
Starling: Because you're stupid?
Torres: (over the comm) Look, we're just gonna beam him up, okay? This whole gag is going nowhere.

Torres: Uh oh. I think Starling's future tricorder is screwing up our helm control. Nothing I can't han--
Chakotay: Oh no! Quick, I'd better take the helm and save us!
Torres: There is no Kahless....

Starling: That was easy. Now to --
Janeway: Get captured. Welcome to Voyager, where people like you are lined up and phasered.
Starling: This may alter my plans.

Paris: Okay, what the skell are you doing outside Sickbay?
Doc: I got me an emitter! From now on I'm a doctor, not a prisone-- FRITZZZZ
Rain: What just happened?
Tuvok: I installed a security routine to limit his use of that damn "I'm a doctor, not a" joke. He'll be fine by next episode.

Torres: Brilliant. Just brilliant.
Chakotay: Shut up.
Torres: "Helm trouble? Never fear: the mighty Chakotay is here! Yes, my macho not-shuttle-crashing skills will --"
Chakotay: Shut up.
Torres: C/T.
Chakotay: ARRRRRRGH! DIE!
Militia Guy: You two are the worst hostages ever.

Janeway: Okay, fess up. What's your plan?
Starling: To go into the future and bring back more tech, then go into the past and kill Jerry Springer's ancestors.
Janeway: One worthy cause and one unworthy one... nah, you're still evil. And that calls for one of my famous catch phrases. (ahem) Time to take out the trash!
Kes: Captain, this has gone far enough. Every time you do a catch phrase in a fiver, you use that one by mistake. It's just not funny anymore.
Starling: If it helps, I did feel a little threatened.
Janeway: Really? You felt threatened?
Starling: A little.
Janeway: Oh, thank you, Henry. You're so thoughtful.

Militia Guy: Allow me to explain: you're being held hostage by a bunch of clowns whose only talent is knot-tying.
Torres: Aw. Why couldn't it have been macramé?
Militia Guy: We'll be heading off for some reason now. Weird bumpy-headed girl, feel free to pull a P'Jem and accidentally shove your goodies in tattoed-guy's face.
Chakotay: NEVER! No C/T!
Militia Guy: You keep saying that... what did Connor Trinneer ever do to you?

Dunbar: And now to rescue my boss by futuristic transporter.
Starling: Whew! Glad to be out of that sickbay and in MARACA PANTS?
Dunbar: Sorry, sir. You never really explained about some of these buttons.

Rain: I guess it's time to say goodbye.
Paris: Why? The plot doesn't require --
Rain: Shhhhh. Let's not spoil the moment. Are you seeing anyone?
Paris: Not yet, but my wife would kill me in a few years.
Rain: She'd drag your death out that long? That's one mean chick.

Tuvok: Hi. We're here to rescue the --
Militia Guy: EAT HOT LEAD, CAPITALIST SCUM!
Doc: Wow, that barrage of gunfire was real effective. Morons.
Tuvok: I wouldn't call them morons. They knew not to shoot me....

Paris: How did we get from a romantic farewell to chasing a truck across the desert?
Rain: You're cute when you're confused. Oh, look, a shuttle blew up the truck for us.
Paris: Hmm. Paris to Chakotay... did you get the shuttle working again?
Admiral Janeway: (over the comm) This is my shuttle. I'm taking a few trips to change history for the better before I go.
Paris: WHAT?
B'Elanna: (over the comm) He bought it. Pay up.
Chakotay: (over the comm) Dang! You and your impressions....

Janeway: Okay, I've done the whole patience thing. Now I'm gonna blow up Starling with the Torpedo of Death.
Kim: You'll have to go push it out yourself. It's way too big to fire automatically.
Janeway: Works for me. Captain, would you care to assist me in performing surgery on a torpedo?
Janeway: Fascinating.
Kim: We should never have let you watch that movie.

Rain: I guess it's time to say goodbye.
Paris: Now just a... wait a....
Rain: Oh, I can't wait! Kiss me, confusion boy!
Paris: Um, okay.
Torres: (over the comm) You're dead, Paris! I'll kill you if it takes years!

Braxton: (over the comm) Good job blowing up Starling. Now to send you back to the Delta Quadrant.
Janeway: Hang on. Haven't we met before?
Braxton: I haven't experienced that timel--
Janeway: Oo, I remember! It was at Admiral Dougherty's benefit tea for corrupt Fleet officers! You were there with that lovely poodle of yours....
Braxton: Not anymore, I wasn't. Some jerk erased Muffy from the timeline.
Janeway: Damn straight. Stupid cutesy poodles thinking they can outdo my Molly....
Braxton: WHAT did you just say?
Janeway: Oh, I can't tell you. Temporal Prime Directive.

Paris: And so an episode that began in violence and confusion ends with a celebration of survival and togetherness.
Chakotay: You really don't need to narrate.
Paris: Don't I, Commander? Don't I?
Chakotay: No!
Paris: You can believe what you want. Me, I'm going to keep the faith and live my dreams.
Tuvok: Mr. Paris... has anyone ever told you you're a real freakasaurus?
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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