Five-Minute "Ex Post Facto"
by Gordon Comstock

Tom Paris: Hey, it's me!
Other Tom Paris: DIE! DIE! DIE!

Baneaen: Let the record show that, in accordance with our law, it sucks to be Thomas Eugene Paris.

Kes: F-4.
Doctor: You sunk my battleship!
Kes: Have you chosen a name yet?
Doctor: I don't know how to make choices.
Kes: Well, aren't we in capable hands....
Janeway: Janeway to sickbay. Doctor, be prepared to receive an injured crewman.
Doctor: What injured crewman?
Janeway: Either Tom or Harry. The betting pool is open until we beam him onboard.

Janeway: Where's Paris?
Kim: They made me leave without him....
Doctor: "Made"?
Tuvok: You now owe me five replicator rations, Captain.
Janeway: Damn. Harry, what happened to Tom?
Kim: They said he's a criminal.
Janeway: So, what else is new? What'd he do?
Kim: They said he committed a murder.
Janeway: Who'd he kill?
Kim: Watch this flashback and find out!

Prof. Ren: Yes, of course we can fix your ship! But it'll cost you dinner with my wife.
Kim: I've got a bad feeling about this.

Dog: Arf! Arf!
Ren: Shut up.
Lidell: You could have called.
Ren: Nag, nag, nag. What's for dinner, woman?
Lidell: Leftovers.
Ren: Yay!

Kim: Stop ogling the married woman.
Paris: Stop bossing me around, "Captain" Kim.
Kim: Hey, it could happen.
Paris: Yeah, in "Endgame".
Lidell: I will now demonstrate the usefulness of the dog.

Ren: My wife is bored with me.
Paris: Woo-hoo! I mean, hey, too bad.
Lidell: If only I could find an interesting man....
Paris: Now I will brag about my piloting skills.
Lidell: Ta-ta.

Kim: So, Tom bagged the chick, and now they say he killed her husband. Unbelievable, huh?
Tuvok: Quite.

Janeway: What's up with the Numiri?
Neelix: Dunno, I always ran away from them.

Numiri: Enter this space at your own risk.
Janeway: So, what else is new?

Minister: Lt. Paris has already been tried, convicted, and punished.
Janeway: What kind of punishment?
Minisiter: Sci-fi punishment. We used the same technique to convict him.

Janeway: How are you, Tom?
Paris: I miss the sheep.
Tuvok: Did you kill Prof. Ren?
Paris: No.
Tuvok: Did you bag his wife?
Paris: No. Came pretty close, though. Here, I'll demonstrate with a flashback:

Lidell: I'm bored with my husband.
Paris: I'm bored with Harry.

Paris: NO! This is when I see myself killing myself.
Janeway: Is this normal?
Baneaen: It's Tom Paris, of course it's not normal!
Janeway: Can we take him to our ship now?
Minister: No.
Janeway: Please? I promise not to leave orbit.
Minister: Oh, all right.

Doctor: Tom has brain damage.
Janeway: So, what else is new?
Tuvok: Somebody is lying.

Tuvok: What went down here?
Lidell: Watch this flashback and see:

Lidell: My husband sucks. Kiss me, Tom.
Paris: O.K., but first let me wrestle with the morality of the situation.
Lidell: Are you done yet?
Paris: Yeah, baby, now let's smooch.
Lidell: Here, let me make you some poison, erm, tea.

Lidell: Then he knocked off my husband. Tell him I forgive him, please.

Kim: The Numiri are attacking!
Neelix: Told you so! Told you so!
Chakotay: Since I suck as a helm officer, let's use the oldest trick in the book.
Tuvok: The Numiri have been defeated.
Janeway: What other tricks have you got, Chakotay?
Chakotay: Oh, I have many skills, Captain.

Tuvok: I will now mind meld with Lt. Paris to witness the murder.

Lidell: Ack! It's my husband. Hey, shorty, put away the knife.
Paris: DIE! DIE! DIE!
Lidell: What's with all this strange writing?

Janeway: We're sending Paris back to you by shuttle.
Tuvok: The Numiri are attacking the shuttle.

Numiri: Hey, it's him, the guy I have a picture of! Can you autograph this for me?

Janeway: This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Bite me.
Numiri: Damn.
Tuvok: Captain, I would like to gather all involved parties together for a classic detective-story denouement.

Tuvok: Bow before my brilliant deductive reasoning, foolish mortals!
Janeway: Come again?
Tuvok: Not for seven years, Captain.
Janeway: I meant, what did that mean?
Tuvok: I meant, the Baneaen doctor did it. The dog can prove it.
Dog: Arf! Arf!
Lidell: I'm sorry, Tom.
Paris: Bite me.

Paris: Wanna be friends, Tuvok?
Tuvok: No.
Paris: Too bad.
Tuvok: Sucks to be me.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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