Five-Minute "The Devil in the Dark"
by Wowbagger

Vanderberg: Schmitter, you stay here and watch out for the monster.
Schmitter: But it'll kill me!
Vanderbilt: Remember those five dollars you owe me? Anyway, see ya!

Horta: For the empire!
Schmitter: What empire?
Horta: Quiet, you.
Schmitter: GAK!

Captain's Log: Exposit, exposit, exposit. You saw it all in the teaser, so let's get back to our pie-eating... er... planet-saving. Right.

Kirk: Mmmm. Toast!
Vanderbilt: Those are the burnt remains of one of my men.
Kirk: No wonder it needs so much butter.

Vanderbilt: We've lost (7-2216)(-2/93.06) miners to the monster.
Kirk: You lost a decimal of a miner?
Vanderbilt: Can't you recognize a 47 reference when you see one?

Spock: The monster is silicon-based life.
McCoy: I can understand life based on silicon, but silicon-based life is simply impossible!
Spock: (sigh)

Horta: "To be, or not to be; that is..."
Reactor Room Door:
Horta: "...the question." You could at least try to fill in the blank. Or not.
Reactor Room Door: GAK!

Vanderbilt: Monster hunt! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!
Spock: Ahem.
Vanderbilt: Oh, I mean... Silicon! Silicon! Silicon! Silicon!
Kirk: This is not a monster hunt. This is a... "fact-finding mission." Now, where did I put my pitchfork?

Redshirt 1: Let's split up.
Redshirt 2: Brilliant plan! (leaves)
Horta: "For all the world's a stage, and..."
Redshirt 1: Wait, I know this. Hold it... Ah! "...all the men and women merely"-- GAK!
Horta: Oh, sorry. I thought you were just stalling.

Kirk: Sneaking, sneaking, la la la la la...
Spock: Sir?
Kirk: An ancient song of Enterprise crewmen, Spock. It's at least 114 years old.

Horta: "Veni, vidi, vici!"
Spock: Assuming you are attempting Julius Caesar's famous declaration upon return from battle, I am obliged to inform you that the correct, Roman-era pronunciation was nearer to "Weni, weedi, weeki!"
Horta: Ahh! My ears! They've fallen off! (tunnels away)
Spock: Captain, we must follow the monster.
Kirk: Sorry, Spock. I can't hear you; my ears seem to be on the ground.

Horta: I'm really not much more than a pile of hair, but apparently I can knock walls down anyway.
Kirk: Ah! A wall is collapsing on me! GAK!
Spock: (over the comm) JIM!
Kirk: No, not "JIM!" It's "GAK!" And it'll cost you fifty credits to get the records of your emoting excised.
Spock: (Grumble, grumble) Fine. Deal.

Horta: "Cry havoc..."
Kirk: "...and let slip the dogs of war!"
Horta: Finally, someone who reads Shakespeare, if not in the original Horta.

Horta: (writes) "No Kill Pie." ...I mean, "I."
Kirk: I would never kill pie! It's so sweet and squishy....
Horta: No, "I." It says, "No Kill I."
Kirk: ...especially pecan pie. It has two words that start with "P", and -- I don't think it understands me, Spock. Analysis.
Spock: Its auditory membranes -- its ears -- have fallen off.
Kirk: Wait. Didn't that already happen?
Spock: Um... no?

Miners: Let us in! We want to kill the monster!
Redshirt 3: With iron bars?
Miners: And pitchforks.... Let us in anyway!

Kirk: Now how am I supposed to discuss pie with the Horta if it can't understand me? Spock, mind meld with it.
Spock: Very well. My mind to your mind... (Sup, Horta?)
Horta: (Double, double, toil and trouble, fires will burn and cauldrons will bubble... unless you go get the life support pump in yon Chamber of the Ages.)
Kirk: I wonder if you could make a good pie with these silicon nodules...
Spock: (Er, the captain says he would fly, now that we understand that the nodules are your eggs.)
Horta: (But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and my eggs are the sun. Okay. Better now.)

Kirk: Well, what kind of pie does it like?
Spock: Um... pecan?
Kirk: I think I see the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

McCoy: I can't think of anything funny to say while fixing the Horta's ears.
Spock: Actually, doctor, by calling attention to the fact that you were not being funny, you were being, on some level, funny.
McCoy: My ears!

Captain's Starlog: I know I'm not supposed to say Starlog," but I thought that the "retro" sound would boost our ratings. Just like on Enterprise. Ha! Hahaha! Mwahahahaha!

Kirk: Ahh. Who knew that pie would bring two disparate species together?
Spock: Grr... No more PIE!
Scotty: Ah! My ears!
Spock: And no more EAR JOKES!
Kirk: Anger is an emotion, Mr. Spock. A human emotion. (giggles)
(Spock nerve-pinches Kirk at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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