Five-Minute "The Deadly Years"
by Derek Dean

Captain's Log: Life on the ship was getting old, so we decided to beam down to a planet.

Spock: It appears no one has come out to greet us.
Kirk: Hey! That's not right. When I beam down to a planet, I expect a parade, a banquet, a piņata shaped like an Andorian's head, and a love interest!
Spock: I'm sure they have a good excuse.
Kirk: No excuse will pardon these omissions; not unless they're dead or dying.
Spock: We should split up and try to find them. We'll check out this well-lit, sterile building over here, and a redshirt can check out the dark, creepy building that reeks of death and certain doom.
Scotty: Actually, I'm the only redshirt who beamed down.
Spock: Hm. Then I guess we'll have to send Chekov.
Chekov: Crap!

Chekov: I will not be a Tasha Yar...I will not be a Tasha Yar...I will NOT be a Tasha Y--AAAAH!
Kirk: Alas, poor Chekov. We hardly knew him.
McCoy: Hey, he's still alive!
Kirk: That's strange. Let's check it out.

McCoy: This guy died from an overdose of old-age makeup.
Kirk: What would a group of people in their twenties be doing with old-age makeup?
Chekov: AH! Two more!
The Johnsons: Hi.

Captain's Log: Interestingly enough, everyone on the planet was dead or dying, so I won't have to make an example of them.

Kirk: So if I don't get a love interest from the planet, where is she coming from?
Wallace: From the ship. I'm apparently a passenger of some sort for some reason.
Kirk: You're not played by Diana Muldaur!
Wallace: Should I have been?
Kirk: After watching "Unnatural Selection," it would have been strangely ironic.

Johnson: GAK!
McCoy: Well, that's all of them. They all died from old age. Fortunately I made some good money betting on when they'd croak.
Kirk: Why do I get the feeling you cheated, Bones?
McCoy: (hiding hypospray behind back) What makes you say that?

Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Kirk: And I say we stay here.
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Kirk: I already told you no.
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Kirk: Do you say anything other than "I say we go to Starbase 10?"
Stocker: No.
Kirk: Huh?
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.

McCoy: Uh oh. I think we're all getting older. We'll die like the Johnsons did! We're all doomed!
Wallace: Hubba hubba! I really have a thing for older men. (kisses Kirk)
McCoy: What is it with you anyway?
Kirk: Still think we're doomed?
McCoy: More than ever.

Captain's Log: Spock, McCoy, Scotty, a no-name blueshirt and I are all getting older and older. We still have no idea why we look nothing like we do in the movies.

Blueshirt: (gets a hypospray from McCoy) GAK!
McCoy: Woo hoo! I was within two seconds of her time of death! Go me!
Kirk: Now I know you're cheating!
McCoy: Hey! Do you want me to bet on you next?
Kirk: Um, did I say cheating? I meant to say that you must be clairvoyant to do so well!
McCoy: That's better.

Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Spock: We can't do that. The Captain has ordered us to stay here.
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Spock: That would mean calling an incompetency hearing on the Captain, which I will not do.
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Spock: All right already! I'll call the hearing! Just stop saying that!

Spock: This hearing has been called to remove the old geezer.
Kirk: Oh no! Not Dr. McCoy!
Spock: Um, no. You.
Kirk: You mean I'm not Dr. McCoy?
Spock: I'm satisified already. The Captain has been removed.
Kirk: Well, just as long as I'm still in command.
Spock: Sigh. And since the Captain, myself, and Mr. Scott are all affected, that leaves Commodore Stocker in charge, though I don't really know why.
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Spock: Oh, that's original.
Sulu: Sir, you do realize that that will take us through the Romulan Neutral Zone, don't you?
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.

McCoy: Okay. Let's try to figure out why we're sick.
Kirk: More importantly, let's try to figure out why we're sick!
Spock: Sigh. I wonder why Chekov wasn't affected.
Kirk: Because he's a main character.
McCoy: We're main characters too, you doofus!
Kirk: Okay, okay. No reason to get all worked up about it!
Spock: Hmmm... All worked up about it, you say?

Sulu: Um, there are Romulans all around. What should we do?
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Chekov: Enough! Stop saying that!
Stocker: Ow! Ow! OW!

Kirk: Here I come to save the day!
Romulans: Run away! Run away!
Kirk: Heh heh he--hey! Why is Stocker in that box? And why is there postage on it?
Spock: I say he goes to Starbase 10.
Kirk: Officer thinking, Spock.
(Commodore Stocker gets sent to Starbase 10 at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on August 1, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Derek Dean.