Five-Minute "The Corbomite Maneuver"
by IJD GAF

Spock: STAND BY TO PHOTOGRAPH!
Uhura: We have to photograph the stars to chart them? That's lame.
Spock: Don't make me punish you with a red miniskirt for the rest of the series.
Bailey: Ahh! A colorful spinning cube! WE CAN'T GO AROUND IT!
Spock: QUITE UNNECESSARY TO RAISE YOUR VOICE, LIEUTENANT!
Bailey: Grumble. You're one to talk at this early point in production....

Captain's Log: With the ship in critical danger from a mysterious cube-thingie, I've found an opportunity to remove my shirt.

McCoy: Work it....work it...
Kirk: I fail to see how kicking cardboard boxes into a wall is exercise.
McCoy: Who cares? We're gaining female viewers!
Spock: (over the comm) What's more important? An unstopable alien cube, or the support of female viewers?
Kirk: Ah, a question the creators of Voyager never quite answered.

Spock: Do this, this, and that before Kirk comes, lower decks scum.
Bailey: You know, that was just adrenaline before when I spoke up.
Spock: Yeah, well sucks to be you.
Bailey: (under breath) you just wish you had an excuse for raising your voice.
Spock: I HEARD THAT!

Kirk: Okay, report.
Uhura: I can't get through to it, though it might just be wierded out by my gold miniskirt.
Bailey: My precise calculations show that the object is thattaway.
Scotty: Its 100% pure... solid... stuff.
McCoy: I'd give a report, but I'm a doctor, not a cube analyst.
Kirk: You all really suck. Is that all?
Bailey: Well, I'd like to add that it'd be fun to blow it up, heheheh.
Kirk: Sigh. Why me? Why not Pike?

Kirk: Okay, we're big. We're bad. Let's barge through it.
Uhura: But isn't that entirely against Starfleet principles?
Kirk: You will sooo be forced to wear red after this. Let's go already.

Spock: Radiation increasing.
Kirk: Meh.
Spock: Radiation at tolerance level.
Kirk: Meh.
Spock: Radiation at the level where hair falls out, eyeballs implode, and skin melts.
Kirk: Meh.
Spock: AHEM!
Kirk: Very well, blow it up, Lieutenant.
Bailey: Woohoo!
(BOOM)
Kirk: Good work, crew. Now everyone report to Sickbay.

Captain's Log: We got past the cube! Fortunately, if anybody died of the radiation, they were generic enough to ignore.

Spock: (over the comm) Crew efficiency report at 98%!
Kirk: Not good enough; try for 99%.
McCoy: Isn't that kinda hard on your crew?
Kirk: Hey, I won't get too many more episodes to be this bossy.
Rand: Knock knock! Eat your vegetables! Don't drink alcoholic beverages! Chew your food well before swallowing! Brush each of your teeth with thirty circular motions! And be sure to floss!
Kirk: Arrgghh! I hate female yeomen!
McCoy: That's funny; you don't hate female anything-else's.

Spock: HERE COMES A GIGANTIC OBJECT!
Kirk: You seriously better get over that soon. What is it?
Spock: A giant sphere thingie.
Kirk: What did I ever do to piss off geometry so badly?

Sulu: Here it comes!
Kirk: Yo.
Silence:
Kirk: Uh...
Spock: HE SAID--
Balok: (over the comm) Yeesh, I heard 'im the first time. So here's where I say "We're the First Federation. Get lost. Resistance sucks."
Kirk: All right crew, I want you to do everything you can think of to get them mad.
Bailey: Firing warning buoys. Jettisoning refuse. Launching empty torpedo casings. Transmitting spam mail. Beaming over Spock's wardrobe. Warbling--
Balok: Okay, we were going to just tell you to run along, but now we're going to break your ship and give you ten minutes to live.
Kirk: Excellent. Okay, crew, you've got ten minutes to get a 100% efficiency rating.

Kirk: All hands -- we're in grave danger and we'll be needing each and every one of you to pull us through. Of course, most of you have trouble with the concepts of "hand" and "foot", so we're fairly screwed. Good thing I have another ingenious plan....

Kirk: PLEASE oh pleaseohplease oh pretty, pretty please-with-sugar-on-top can we go, please?
Sulu: Our warp drive has just been crushed by a seemingly irritated outside force.
Balok: (on screen) Behold my puppet-like mannerisms -- and then shut up and die already!
Bailey: [insert dramatic mental breakdown]
McCoy: [insert an escort to sickbay]
Kirk: Well, that sure was a timesaver.

Kirk: Okay, we've tried annoying, we've tried whining... there's only one option left. Poker!
Spock: Uh....
Kirk: Uhura, patch me through. (ahem) Our corbomite-enforced hull will cause your fire to turn us into rubber and you into glue; it'll bounce off of us and stick to you!
Spock: What a stupid....
Kirk: ....we're still on....
Spock: ....enemy for thinking he can mess with our invincible corbomite hull!

Everyone: 10!... 9!... 8!... 7!... 6!... 5!... 4!... 3!... 2!... 1!... uh....
Spock: Wow, poker did save us. Erm... good job.
Balok: We've... er... changed our minds. I'll escort you to a planet in my miniship. Don't try anything, or I'll talk your heads off with a superiority rant.

Captain's Log: We're in tow -- the question is, will Balok grow careless?

Bailey: Captain, he's getting careless.
Kirk: Well, that was fast. Let's break free.
Bailey: We've broken free.
Kirk: Again, that was fast.

Uhura: Captain, we're receiving a distress call.
Kirk: Let them die!
Spock: Jim, we've got to set the 'Starfleet compassion' precedent somewhere.
Kirk: Oh, very well. Let's go, Bones and Bailey.
Bailey: Why me?
Kirk: Methinks we'll need a redshirt.

McCoy: Well, well... it actually was a puppet. Go figure.
Balok: Yep. You'll notice I really look like a young Clint Howard.
Kirk: I see... so you were just testing us.
Balok: Yep. It gets lonely here, so I devised a plan to capture myself a friend. Which one of you will it be?
Kirk: I know the perfect man for the job. Kirk to Enterprise; beam myself and Doctor McCoy up.
Bailey: Wha...? Don't I even get a say?
Kirk: Nope, and that's an order, redshirt. Energize.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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