Five-Minute "Mirror, Mirror"
by IJD GAF

Tharn: I'm sorry Captain, we'll have to decline your offer. Giving a military organization like Starfleet the rights to mine dilithium here would go against our policy of total peace.
Kirk: But Starfleet's mission is that of peace. We --
Tharn: The answer is NO, do I have to pound it into your skull?

Kirk: Spock, beam up our landing party.
Spock: (over the comm) What about the ion storm?
Kirk: Nah, just us.

Mirror Spock: Zeig Heil, Captain.
Kirk: Very funny.
Mirror Spock: Shall we decimate the colony as planned?
Kirk: Sure. (snicker) And while you're at it you can decimate Lieutenant Kyle too.
Mirror Spock: As you wish. Your agonizer, Mr. Kyle?
Mirror Kyle: What? No, I have a pacemaker! Please, I -- (Spock zaps Kyle) AAAGGGHH!
Kirk: Wait a sec, something's off here....

Captain's Log: After beaming aboard the Enterprise, the rest of the crew changed. I think it has something to do with all these cummerbunds.

McCoy: What is this, some kinda parallel universe?
Kirk: Nah, I think everyone just got new haircuts.
Scotty: All in favor of parallel universe?
Uhura, Scotty, and McCoy: Aye!
Scotty: All in favor of the captain being smart for once?
Kirk: Ay-- oh, forget it. Scotty, just get to engineering and short out the phaser circuits. Uhura, go flirt with Sulu or something. And McCoy... I dunno, just stand there and look boring.
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a doorstop!

Mirror Sulu: Hey babe, I'm a minority... you're a minority.... You know what that makes us?
Uhura: Secondary characters.

Scotty: (over the comm) Sorry, but phasers are operational.
Kirk: Scotty, I'm on the bridge.
Scotty: Oh. Well in that case, I'm not sorry; sucks to be you.
Kirk: Uhura, signal the Halkans. (ahem) We're stalling; you have 24 hours to decide. And just so you take our stalling seriously, you have 12 hours to decide.
Mirror Tharn: (on screen) But....
Mirror Spock: But....
Kirk: Oh be quiet; like either of you will do anything about it.

Mirror Chekov: Gotcha!
Kirk: Oh no, an evil Tuvok episode!
Mirror Chekov: Jeez, you'd think you'd have learned my name by now.
Kirk: Wait a sec....
(SLAP!)
Mirror Chekov: Waaaaah!
Kirk: Ohhh yeah.... You're the guy we hurt a lot!
Mirror Guard: Shall I take him to the booth?
Kirk: Yes, maximum setting.

Scotty: Everything in this universe is just the same as ours; Neelix even still owes me $30!
Kirk: That last inane comment aside, we need a plan. Computer, is this episode's plot possible?
Computer: Yes.
Kirk: How do we get out?
Computer: I dunno, rig a transporter or something.
McCoy: Can our computer analyze plots like that?
Kirk: Never mind that, we've got work to do.

Spock: Meanwhile, back in the real universe, the Captain is acting very strangely....
Mirror Kirk: Heil me!
Spock: For reasons unknown, his ego has shrunk.

Mirror Spock: Nice to see you alive. Nice to see Chekov in agony.
Mirror Chekov: (from the booth) AIIIEEE!
Kirk: Yes, I rather like the status quo myself.
Mirror Spock: You know the stage is being set for us to battle for command.
Kirk: Yeah, we all know what happened in "Amok Time"....
Mirror Spock: In this universe's version I kicked your butt, had T'Pring deliver the final blow, only to have you scream like a schoolgirl for mercy. What about your version?
Kirk: I... er... did the same to you.

Mirror Marlena: It's Jim Kirk, my love and my master.
Kirk: This has got to be a speed record for me.
Mirror Marlena: You almost got killed and you're disobeying orders. (smacks Kirk in the head) Stupid!
Kirk: My second speed record this scene.

Mirror Spock: (over the comm) I'm not supposed to be telling you this, but if you haven't decimated the planet by dawn I'm to kill you.
Kirk: It's bound to be dawn somewhere on the planet.
Mirror Spock: Good point, I'll be right over.
Kirk: Oh crap.

Scotty: Captain, we've got a pretty narrow deadline to meet.
Kirk: Not as narrow as mine!
Scotty: I wouldn't be so sure....
Kirk: Spock is coming to kill me NOW!
Scotty: Wow. You win.

Computer: Uh, you might want to check out Engineering.
Mirror Spock: Do you have to interrupt while I'm sharpening my bat'leth
Computer: But it's Scotty and Dr. Mc--
Mirror Spock: McCoy? (eyeing bat'leth) I'm listening.

Mirror Marlena: Mirror, mirror on the wall; who's the fairest of them all?
Tantalus Field: For the last time lady, I'm a weapon of mass destruction. Not a magic mirror.

Mirror Spock: Rats, you're all in one room together! There goes my "you're all the same person" theory.
Kirk: Actually we're from a parallel --
Mirror Spock: Attack! GAK!
McCoy: He's got to be the worst bat'leth wielder I've ever seen.

Mirror Sulu: Gotcha! Now I can kill you both and change the name of the ship to Excelsior!
(Sulu's minions vanish into thin air)
Mirror Sulu: Hello? Plot contrivance here! GAK!
Kirk: Now then.... We've got a transporter to catch.
McCoy: Wait, I've gotta save Spock's life.
Kirk: Ha! Good one.
McCoy: Don't make me hurt you.

Mirror Spock: Tell me everything you know about Kirk's plans.
(Spock mindmelds with McCoy)
Mirror Spock: Remember, damnit!

Mirror Marlena: Take me with you!
Kirk: What are you going to do, make me vanish into thin air?
Mirror Marlena: Hmm.
Mirror Spock: Ah, I got here just in time to beam you guys out and prove my Spockness.
Kirk: Not just in time. I have two minutes to convince you to destroy the empire!
Mirror Spock: I'll never join you. But I will consider it; perhaps the Klingons will gain power and I can get some good bat'leth lessons.
Kirk: I wouldn't count on it; just energize already.

Kirk: Good to be back, but where's my tickertape parade?
Spock: To think, I almost missed that ego.
(Marlena enters the bridge)
Kirk: Yes, Lieutenant?
Marlena: Like my beehive haircut? I think it goes well with my skirt.
Kirk: Your mirror-universe miniskirt was shorter.
Marlena: Buh?
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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