Five-Minute "I, Mudd"
by Derek Dean

Android: Hello, sirs.
McCoy: There's something wrong with that new guy.
Spock: Like what?
McCoy: Well, when I asked him why he never smiled he said it was because he didn't have his emotion chip installed.
Spock: That's hardly conclusive evidence.
McCoy: How about the fact his name is listed as "Android"?
Spock: Obviously that's his family name. He couldn't really be an android. Could you imagine an android in Starfleet?

Android: Computer, let me in to this restricted room so I can sabotage the ship.
Computer: Do you have authorization?
Android: Um... yes?
Computer: In you go.

Android: I've taken control of the ship. We are setting a course for Sector 001.
Kirk: Oh no! Not Earth!
Android: Earth? Whoops. I meant sector 471.
Spock: Who are you, blueshirt?
Android: I'm an android.
Spock: Crap! And you're using contractions. That can't be good.

Android: Please wait while the android shuts d-- GAK!
Kirk: Oh great, the blueshirt bluescreened. Reboot him, Spock.
Spock: Gladly. (Kick!)
Android: The android has detected an improper shutdown. Please wait while the android runs Scandisk. 1%... 2%... Whoops! Found an error. Restarting. 1%....
(4 days later)
Android: 28%... 29%... Whoops! Found an error. Restarting. 1%....
Kirk: Oh for Pete's sake, just exit out of Scandisk!
Android: Hello, Spock. You're quite good at turning me on.
Spock: Er, I think we should ignore that.

Mudd: Hi, guys!
Kirk: Of all the possible recurring characters, why did it have to be you?
Mudd: Hey! I'm the only non-crew recurring character this series has!
Kirk: But why did it have to be you? Why not your women?

Kirk: So where are your creators, android?
Android: I hate to tell you this, but they died... a long time ago.
Kirk: You're not a Pralor robot, are you?
Android: What would make Captain James T. Kirk say that?

Alice 2.3: Here are our android creation centers. We can make androids of any type.
Kirk: Can you make Brent Spiner androids?
Alice 2.3: Yes.
Kirk: Can you make Persis Khambatta androids?
Alice 2.3: Yes.
Uhura: Can you make Nichelle Nichols androids?
Alice 2.3: Yes.
Uhura: I'm sold.

Android: Look at all the cool new technobabble we've got here.
Scotty: This is just too sweet.
Android: Check this out. An ID card system so people can't break into restricted areas of the ship.
Scotty: Hey, we could use one of those! It would be foolproof!
Kirk: Come on, Scotty. Don't be suckered in by their lures! I want you to leave this room, and take Ensign Soong with you.

Kirk: Okay. We need to get out of here. This may be everything we ever wanted, but I think we've all seen "The Cage".
McCoy: I think you mean "The Menagerie".
Kirk: Whatever. The point is, we're trapped here and we need to get out. Now everyone focus on strong negative emotions!
Spock: I don't think we can rip-off "The Cage" that much. We need a different solution.
Alice Google: Can I get you anything?
Kirk: Yes, tell us how we can defeat you.
Alice Google: Sure, take out Norman.
Kirk: Sweet!

Mudd: Well, be seeing you, Kirk.
Androids: Not so fast, you're staying here.
Mudd: What! You swore by my name that you would let me leave!
Androids: We just realized your name is mud.

Kirk: Come quick! Mudd is sick!
Alice -0.47: So? Let him die.
Kirk: I thought you said your purpose was to serve man!
Alice -0.47: That was just the name of our cookbook.

Kirk: Hello, Alices. Watch this!
McCoy: I'm tweedle-dee, he's tweedle-dum.
Scotty: Allamaraine!
Alices: General Protection Fault! GAK!

Kirk: Masaka is waiting!
Norman: You're acting very irrational.
Kirk: No, Alice Pi is irrational; I am illogical.
Norman: GAK!
Kirk: Ha! Kirk 207,809, Androids 0!

Mudd: So, um, what are you going to do to me?
Kirk: Well, as per your last request, I figured I'd leave you stranded on this planet....
Mudd: Woo hoo!
Kirk: ...with a couple hundred of your wife androids.
Mudd: Crap.
Stellas: Harcourt Fenton Mudd, why haven't you taken out the trash? Why do you always work late hours? Why haven't you taken me out anywhere?
Mudd: Stell-lahhhhh!

McCoy: Well, I think I don't ever want to see another android; not even if I'm touring this ship's fourth successor on her maiden voyage.
Spock: Agreed. This had better be the last time I see an android anywhere.
Kirk: Even on Romulus?
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END

Previous fiver: Catspaw
Next fiver: Metamorphosis

Links:

• Trek Nation guide page
• Printable version

Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.

Site navigation:
Home
___ Five-Minute Star Trek
___ ___ Season 2
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "I, Mudd"