Five-Minute "Elaan of Troyius"
by IJD GAF

Captain's Log: We're on a diplomatic mission, and having picked up the annoying guy, we're off to pick up the spoiled brat.

Spock: From my experience the Elasians are arrogant and self-obsessed.
McCoy: From my experience the Elasian women are really something....
Kirk: I've had no experience, but with that last comment, rest assured I will have by episode's end.

Kirk: So, what's going on?
Petri: The Dohlman's coming aboard. Man, she's really a b--
Kirk: Watch it. Oooh, here she comes.
(Elaan beams over)
Elaan: Where's my valet? And why aren't you all kneeling? I demand my quarters this instant!
Kirk: (aside to Petri) you know, I'm inclined to agree with you at this point.

Petri: So here's the story. I'm here to teach Elaan not to be such a b--
Kirk: ahem...
Petri: ...such a brat, so she can marry our ruler. Got it?
Kirk: Sure.

Petri: Here, have the most expensive treasures of our royal family.
Elaan: I don't like them. And I don't like you. And I don't like these quarters.
Kirk: I believe I can respond to each of those statements with "make do."
Elaan: But I don't like--
Kirk: Shut up.

Spock: I'm picking up a sensor ghost.
Kirk: Finally, irrefutable proof of the supernatural!
Spock: I'm thinking more along the lines of a cloaked ship.
Kirk: Aw.

Elaan: Do we not have freedom of the ship?
Kirk: No, and you don't have the freedom to insult us either.
Elaan: Why, you insolent pigs!
Kirk: Hey now, what did I just say about insulting?

Spock: Ah, see? It was a cloaked Klingon ship.
Kirk: A ghost ship?
Spock: No. Give it up, Jim.
Kirk: Aw.

Redshirt: (over the comm) Sir, a disturbance in the Dohlman's quarters.
Kirk: Is this supposed to be a surprise or something?

Elaan: Look, I stabbed Petri!
Kirk: Is this supposed to be a surprise or something? Anyway, I've got manners to teach you.
Elaan: You? Teach me?
Kirk: Yeah, so there.

Kriton: Sabotage, sabotage, lalalalalala
Redshirt: Hey, what's the big idea? GAK!
Kriton: As I was saying... lalalala...

Kirk: You're a spoiled little girl that deserves a spanking!
Elaan: You can teach me nothing.
Kirk: Do you know what a spanking is?
Elaan: No...
Kirk: Then it appears I can teach you something. Let's go.

Uhura: (over the comm) Captain, there's a message being sent from within the ship!
Kirk: Er, I'm rather busy now, can it wait?
Uhura: I said there's a message being sent from within the ship. That's somewhat important, you realize.
Kirk: Oh, very well.

Scotty: He managed to kill a redshirt and send a message to the Klingons.
Kirk: Oh no, anything but a message to the Klingons!
Kriton: Yep, and now I'm going to kill myself so you don't find out what it was about.
Kirk: You must know that this wouldn't be much of an episode without us finding everything out in the end.
Kriton: Meh, I'm not one to fall back on my word. GAK!

Elaan: Yeah, he must've sold out to the Klingons in some kinda love vendetta. Now let's get back to that spanking.
Kirk: But there's a Klingon ship out there, and we have orders!
Elaan: Could you forget what happened between us?
Kirk: Are you kidding? I do it every week. But in the interest of keeping with character...
Spock: Wait Jim!
Kirk: No, I can explain!
McCoy: Don't bother, you're suffering from HarryKiminitis. You're gonna feel funny when you're away from Elaan.
Kirk: But "The Disease" was based on this episode. Shouldn't he have JimKirkinitis?
McCoy: Maybe, but we're not fiving that episode now, are we?

Sulu: Captain, the Klingon ship is approaching at warp speed. Shall we go to warp?
Kirk: Nah, ghosts don't have mass; it should pass right through us.
Scotty: (over the comm) Wait, we're rigged to blow up when we go to warp anyway.
Spock: It appears the Klingons are just trying to get us to go to warp.
Kirk: Bah! Trying to spook us into leaving them alone! Maybe it's a pirate ghost ship and they have treasure...
Spock: That's enough, Jim.
Kirk: Sorry.

Scotty: (over the comm) There's no chance of repair for the dilithium assembly. We need dilithium, or we won't be able to maneuver.
Kirk: I'm sure it'll turn up before episode's end.

Kirk: Uhura, patch me through to the Klingons.
Klingon: (over comm) Hey, sorry, we're busy right now. If you'd like to leave a message, leave one after the beep.
Kirk: *sigh* We're peaceful, so don't attack us.
Klingon: Haha! I said, after the beep! *BEEP*
Kirk: Forget it.

Spock: Oh no, we're all gonna die! Good thing I'm picking up dylithium readings from Elaan's necklace.
Kirk: The dilithium crystals must be why the Klingons want Elaas so badly, and we can use them to escape. Now all we have to do is drop Elaan off, and I can work off the HarryKiminitis. Another mystery solved, gang!
Spock: Zoinks!
(The Enterprise warps off at Mysterious Speed)

THE END

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