Five-Minute "Wither"
by Derek Dean
immy: Sucked... face?
Chloe: No! Listen to me, we're going to take it slow this time. S-L-O -- (SMOOCH!)
Jimmy: Your mouth is saying one thing, but your mouth is saying another.
People: AAAAAAAH!
Chloe: See, look. Your terrible lines have made people scream.
Jimmy: I think they're actually dead. Look at the one girl flayed up in the tree!
Chloe: Looks like Charlie Brown's kite-eating tree has moved up to people. Only a matter of time, really.
Ma Kent: So, Clark, wanna go to Lex's charity ball?
Clark: No.
Ma Kent: Wanna talk about all the angst you feel over Lex and Lana, and how you feel you don't have anyone anymore?
Clark: Yes, I love to angst. Angst, angst, angst.
Lana: I don't want to be known as "Lex's girl!"
Lex: Tough. That's the way the media works.
Lana: But I wanna angst. Angst, angst, angst.
Chloe: So I found a girl near Lover's Lane killed ... BY TREES!
Clark: Oh crap. Now I have to fight ents. -- Hey, what were you doing out at Lover's Lane?
Chloe: If I told you, you would just angst.
Oliver: Hi, I have a letter for Ma Kent.
Lois: I'm going to be funny and send you away, not realizing who you are.
Oliver: Okay, but that's not really funny.
Lois: Sure, it is. It's hilarious -- hilarious, I tell you!
Evil Mwahaha-Ranger Villain: Hi! I'm the sexy female park ranger who will subtly come on to you while you investigate the area.
Clark: Does it have to be subtle?
Clark: Over here! I found the missing guy under all these vines!
Chloe: And I will arrive just in time to see you get your hands cut!
Evil Mwahaha-Ranger Villain: And I will just happen to be away so as not to see your super-strength or super-healing!
Clark: Come on, don't you think this is a little contrived?
Chloe: This scene, this episode, or the whole season?
Clark: So let's sneak into the hospital and look at this guy's charts.
Chloe: Do you have to narrate everything we do? Are you trying to get us caught?
Jimmy: I'd rather talk about our relationship.
Clark: I only just met you!
Jimmy: I meant with Chloe. Are you my girl, Chloe?
Clark: I know I've never expressed any interest in Chloe, but I think I'm going to angst anyway.
Clark: So Lex, a magical vine that attacks people sounds like something right up your alley.
Lex: I'm sorry, you must be confusing me with my comic book counterpart. I'm actually a good guy.
Clark: No, you're evil, and vile, and corrupt, and many other unfounded accusations and name-callings!
Lex: Which really justifies why I'm going to throw you off my property.
Lana: Chloe, can we talk? I'm not sure if I should sleep with Lex for lots of angsty reasons.
Chloe: Well, let's talk about them! This show would be nothing without angst!
Jimmy: La la la, I may be scared of the woods, but it's fun wandering around here anyway.
Evil Mwahaha-Ranger Villain: Oooh, a male. Come, let me wrap my vines around you.
Jimmy: Shouldn't that be "arms around me"?
Vines: WRAP!
Jimmy: Guess not.
Lois: I'm sorry I made a fool of myself earlier. I guess it wasn't so hilarious.
Oliver: Well, why don't you go to the ball with me? I picked out a costume for you.
Lois: Wow, if you weren't rich and eccentric, I'd be really freaked out right now!
Chloe: So it's an extra-terrestrial vine. That's why it cuts you.
(AAAAAGH!)
Clark: Oh look, the boy who was attacked had spores in his belly that grew into a huge plant filling the hospital room.
Chloe: Yeah, and the attacker is female. It only implants boys; it just kills girls.
Clark: Hm... if only I had bumped into something or someone female in the woods... someone who would subtly come on to me...
Clark: Hey, ranger girl, do you know of any deadly females around here?
Evil Mwahaha-Ranger Villain: Besides myself? No.
Clark: Darn! Wait, what if we include yourself!
Evil Mwahaha-Ranger Villain: Then just me.
Clark: GASP! It's you!
Evil Mwahaha-Ranger Villain: Yes, me. I was sent to the Phantom Zone, but before that I used plants to attack the industries of my world. In my language my name means "Poison Ivy." Now I will capture you with my vines!
Clark: NOOOOOO! Get off me, vines! If only I had some weapon I could use against plants. Like fire! If only I had easy access to fire!
Lex: Looks like my costume party is going well. Though why I decided to hold it here at my mansion in Smallville instead of at a huge banquet hall in Metropolis is beyond me.
Lex: Why if it isn't Oliver Queen, dressed up as Robin Hood!
Oliver: How'd you recognize me through my mask? NOOOOOO! Oh wait, costume party. Never mind.
Evil Mwahaha-Ranger Villain: Ha! I'm the Evil Mwahaha-Ranger Villain! Mwahahaha!
Clark: I think I'll just vaporize you.
Evil Mwahaha-Ranger Villain: But you have a code against -- GAK!
Clark: I have a code against losing.
Chloe: You don't understand! This taser magically destroys the vines! I used it to save Clark and Jimmy, but Jimmy still has spores inside! You need to defib him!
Paramedic: No.
Chloe: Then I will! CLEAR!
Paramedic: But he's not --
(ZAP!)
Jimmy: I'm okay!
Paramedic: Then I guess we won't get you in trouble for what you just did.
Lois: Let me give you an archery contest. Hit that can there and I'll give you a kiss.
(BAM!)
Lois: I meant that can over there.
(BAM!)
Lois: I meant that can WAAAAAAAY over there.
(BAM!)
Lois: Whatever happened to you being the man of honor and not hitting the can?
Oliver: I never miss.
Lana: LET'S HAVE SEX!
Lex: Reverse psychology, eh? Well, it won't work. I WILL have sex with you. Ha!
Clark: Poor me. I'm ALLLLLL alone.
(Clark feels sorry for himself at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2006, Derek Dean.