Five-Minute "Aqua"
by Derek Dean

ois: The producers think so. They really seem to think I fill out the cast. Or the swimsuit. I wasn't really paying attention.
Chloe: Just like you're not paying attention to where you're diving?
Lois: Huh?
(SPLASH! THUNK!)
Clark: There's no need to fear --
Aquaman: Aquaman is here!
Clark: That's not how it goes.

Fine: Ah, Mr. Kent. Running a bit late I see. Are you okay?
Clark: Um, yeah, Professor, I'm okay. How are you?
Fine: I'm Fine.

Aquaman: Look, I'm brash and cocky and something of a jerk.
Lois: Hey, me too.
Aquaman: It's like instant sexual chemistry!

Fine: So would you like a job investigating Lex Luthor?
Clark: Hm. On the one hand, it would be good role reversal and an interesting twist. On the other hand, it's not the end of the episode.
Fine: I was joking anyway. I don't think Lex has directly done anything business-y in at least two years.

Lois: Hee hee. It's fun playing in the water with you.
Aquaman: And isn't it strange how there's no one here on a beautiful day?
Lois: You're underestimating my annoyingness.
(RIIIIIIIIIING!)
Aquaman: ARRRRRRGH! (SPLASH!)
Lois: I was kidding! It's not that bad!
(SUPER-SWIM!)
(BOOM!)

Lex: Heh heh. Excellent. My underwater gizmo will effectively kill everything in the water! I'd say it's time to roll these babies out, wouldn't you?
(silence)
Lex: Crap. Where's that token person I hired so I won't end up talking to myself?

Lois: So I'm glad you weren't killed by that super-sonic whatever in the lake.
Aquaman: Just shut up and let me kiss you.
(SLAP!)
Lois: Hey! I'm not that kind of girl.
Aquaman: Sorry, I should've --
Lois: Just shut up and kiss me.

Clark: So something's fishy about this strange visitor from another town. What've you found out?
Chloe: Just that he goes to the University of Miami, which I guess explains his orange and green apparel, and he thinks he can talk to fish.
Clark: Not good enough. I'm going to confront him at the Talon. You might not want to be there; it won't be pretty.

Lana: Ew, Clark. Stop making faces at Arthur. You really look awful.
Aquaman: And besides, you don't want to attack me. I'm trendy and eco-friendly!
Clark: Tree-hugger!
Aquaman: Uh no. Unlike the Lorax, I speak for the seas.
Clark: Fish-hugger!
Aquaman: It's consensual!

Aquaman: Bombing, bombing, la la la la....
Clark: Fire in the hole!
(BOOM!)
Clark: And now for an underwater fight.
(PUNCH!)
(ZAP!)
(BOOM!)
Clark: Ow. And now for an overwater fight.
Aquaman: Um, no.

Aquaman: Forgetting the fact that we just fought each other, you need to help me do something.
Clark: I've found the best way to do anything is to let my good friend Lex do it. Now, what do you need to do?
Aquaman: Stop Lex.
Clark: Hm. This may be interesting.

Lex: Clark, old buddy, old pal! What can I do for you?
Clark: I think we're still angry at each other, so you might want to rephrase that.
Lex: Grrr. Clark, me ol' matey, what you be doing here for?
Clark: Enemies, Lex. Not pirates.

Aquaman: Huh? What? Where am I?
Lex: In the pit of despair! The dry pit of despair, I might mention.
Aquaman: I hate you.

Aquaman: Clark! Water! Please!
Clark: I don't know. Should I give you water, or Jimmy Olsen?
Aquaman: Ha ha, it's great that you're making a stupid comic book cover reference while I'm here DYING OF THIRST!

Lex: And so you see, Admiral, this device will work --
(BOOM!)
Admiral: Or not. Goodbye. Following standard military procedure, you will never get another chance to demo this for me ever at all.

Clark: Bye, A.C. I'm glad we were able to be friends.
Aquaman: Friends? Dude, you've hated me since the moment I got here!
Clark: I wouldn't worry about that. In time, I'm sure we'll be super-friends.

Clark: Now that it's the end of the episode, I think I'm interested in taking that job after all.
Fine: That's fine.

Aquaman: Bye, Lois. I'll always love you.
Lois: Bye, A.C. I'm sure it's conceivable I might possibly think of you again at some point.
Aquaman: Ah, sweet love.
(Aquaman leaves at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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