Five-Minute "Skin of Evil"
by Kira

Yar: I hear there's a betting pool for the upcoming martial arts tournament.
Riker: Did you bet against her, Worf?
Worf: Bet against Lieutenant Yar? Ha! Over her dead body.
Yar: Thanks, Worf. That's very sweet of you.
Riker: But Tasha, he said --
Yar: Don't ruin the moment.

Lieutenant Prieto: (over the comm) Oh no! Our shuttle is going to crash into the planet!
Troi: (over the comm) See? I told you that you should have let me drive.
Picard: Picard to Engineering. I need warp and I need it now, Mr. Lurch!
Lynch: (over the comm) My name is Lynch, sir.
Picard: Whatever.

Picard: Number One, take an away team down to the planet.
Riker: Aye, sir. Tasha, Data, you're with me.
Yar: Sir, shouldn't we bring some redshirts too?
Riker: I'm wearing red.
Yar: Good point. That should do nicely.

Picard: (over the comm) Away team, report.
Riker: There seems to be some kind of black puddle in between us and the shuttle.
Data: We cannot go around it; it follows our every move.
Riker: And we can't go through it; Tasha and Beverly don't want to get their shoes dirty.
Picard: Be a man, Will! Take your jacket off and use it to cover the puddle for them.
Riker: Are you kidding? Those stains would never come out.

Data: I do not detect any signs of intelligence in the substance.
Riker: I don't understand...how can this thing move around if it has no intelligence whatsoever?
Data: Unknown, sir.
(Pause)
Armus: Oh, come on! You missed a perfect opportunity for a really good Riker insult! That's it, I am so tormenting you all now.

Armus: I'm not letting you near your shuttle!
Yar: Oh yeah? What are you going to do, kill me? I'm a regular! In your face!
Armus: Does this look like the Original Series?
Yar: Hahahahaha! No, our captain has far less hai...uh oh.
(ZAP!)
Yar: GAK!

Crusher: She's dead, Jean-Luc.
Picard: Oh, sure -- now we look like TOS.

Armus: I killed one of your friends.
Troi: Great. Just great. We were finally starting to get some semblance of gender balance and you have to go and knock off one of the female leads!
Armus: Don't worry -- I'm an equal-opportunity evil being.

Riker: Armus is extremely dangerous. He's toying with us.
Picard: Then there's only one possible course of action.
Riker: Send down another away team?
Picard: Absolutely.

Riker: Let us pass, you lump of talking asphalt!
Armus: Sticks and stones may break my...wait, I don't have any bones.

Troi: I sense that you're lonely. How come you were left on this planet?
Armus: I wasn't cool enough for them. They started a "No Armuses" club.

Data: Armus is approaching again. He most likely wants to torture one of us for amusement.
La Forge: Not it.
Crusher: Not it.
Data: Not it.
Riker: Huh? What are we -- Aaaaaaaa!

Data: (over the comm) Sir, Armus has enveloped Commander Riker.
Picard: Sounds like a good time for you to leave.
Armus: (over the comm) Oh, no you don't. You're not leaving me with these two.

Armus: Entertain me!
Picard: Certainly. I know some lovely scores from H.M.S. Pinafore. Mr. Data? "A British Tar"?
Armus: Gyaa! Anything but that! Here, have him back!
(Riker emerges from Armus)
Crusher: Are you all right, Will?
Riker: Yeah, but that was a close one. I hate opera.

Armus: I am pure evil!
Picard: Maybe you're just lonely and misunderstood.
Armus: Is the episode called "Skin of Misunderstood"?

Captain's Log: We've abandoned Armus on his planet. Hey -- if the people before us could do it, why can't we?

Picard: We are gathered here to remind everyone how tragic Tasha's death was.
Troi: It's sad...all the things she'll never get to do.
Worf: Be in a spectacular battle....
Riker: Visit Romulus....
Crusher: Have children....
Holo-Yar: Slow down, guys, I'm trying to write all this down. This is great stuff.

Data: I feel worse for myself than for Tasha.
Picard: That's only natural, Data. You've lost a valued friend.
Data: Not to mention it will be years before I get any action again.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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