Five-Minute "Loud as a Whisper"
by Marc Richard

Picard: It will be an honour to meet the man who negotiated our treaty of alliance with the Klingons.
Worf: Indeed. Before Riva, there was no Klingon word for "peacemaker."
Riker: What was the nearest equivalent?
Worf: Hok'beh -- "ignominious coward who begs to surrender."
Riker: Yes, "peacemaker" is definitely an improvement.

Picard: Greetings, sir.
Riva: ...
Picard: I'm afraid I didn't quite catch that.
Riva: !
Picard: Look, there's no need to get abusive....

Chorus: Riva is deaf. We three interpret his thoughts and serve as his voice.
Intellect: I speak in matters of logic and reason.
Passion: I represent emotion and spontaneity.
Harmony: And I strive to maintain balance between the others.
Picard: I'm surprised you don't also have a Scottish engineer on your team.
Harmony: We do, but he is on holiday this week.

Riva and Passion: You are an empath, lovely lady?
Troi: Yes, I'm half-Betazoid.
Riva and Passion: And what is your role aboard the Enterprise?
Picard: Like your chorus, Counselor Troi serves as an interpreter. She figures out for us if the aliens we deal with are hostile or untrustworthy.

Picard: This is our Bridge. Allow me to present my First Officer, Commander Riker.
Riva and Intellect: (places hand on Riker's chest) Greetings, Commander.
Riker: Are you planning to introduce yourself to Counselor Troi with this gesture?
Riva and Intellect: I've already had the great pleasure of meeting her.
Riker: I was hoping you wouldn't phrase it that way.

Riva and Passion: I would love to spend some time alone with you in your quarters.
Troi: Alone? Meaning "just the three of us?"
Riva and Passion: Of course. Do you feel that this would put you in an awkward position?
Troi: I was hoping you wouldn't phrase it that way.

Riva and Intellect: I am confident that I will be able to end the war on Solais V.
Picard: What negotiating principle do you plan to use in your mediation work?
Riva and Intellect: "Speak softly, for those who cannot hear an angry shout may strain to hear a whisper."
Picard: Your words are wise ones. Every Federation ambassador should know them.
Riva and Intellect: What makes you think they don't already?

Riva and Intellect: Let us meet the enemy factions on this plateau. We'll need a few symbolic objects to help our talks -- a triangular table, some torches of peace....
Riker: It might also be a good idea to have mistletoe.
Riva and Intellect: Missile toe? What is that?
Data: A disease similar to athlete's foot which used to afflict rocket-launched astronauts.

Riva and Harmony: Brothers! Lay down your weapons!
Warrior #1: I will if they do it first!
Warrior #2: And I will if they do it first!
Warrior #3: Well, I won't do it either way until you explain your peace plan!
Riva and Harmony: It's very simple. Each side just has to admit that your dispute is a stupid one.
(ZAP!)
Chorus: GAK!

Picard: What happened down there?
Worf: We were unexpectedly fired on. All three interpreters are dead.
Picard: So much for Riva's confidence in his negotiating skills.
Riker: I know. The surprise left him speechless.

Data: I have been studying various sign languages in the hope of communicating with Riva, but I am not sure which one will work best.
Picard: Choose one and give us a demonstration. What would be the sign for "happy"?
Data: " :) "
Picard: I'd skip to the next choice if I were you.

Troi: Data has learned your sign language, Riva. He'll serve as your interpreter when you return to the negotiations.
Data: Riva says, "No! I refuse to meet with the people who murdered my friends!"
Picard: Then what shall I tell the Solari factions to go do with themselves?
Data: Riva says....
Picard: Never mind. I understood that one on my own.

Troi: The Captain wants me to negotiate peace between the factions. Do you have any advice that would help me?
Data: Riva says, "You must find a way to turn disadvantage into advantage."
Troi: You sound like my high school judo teacher.
Data: I was not aware that you practiced judo, Counselor.
Troi: I used to. I gave it up when I lost a match to a kindergartner.
Data: Riva says, "Perhaps I should handle the negotiations after all."

Troi: It's settled. Riva will stay on the planet and teach the Solari sign language.
Riker: How will that bring peace after centuries of war?
Data: Because the two factions will finally learn how to communicate with each other.
Troi: Besides -- have you ever tried holding a gun while using sign language?
Worf: Where I come from, pointing a gun is a form of sign language.
Riker: Worf, has a word for "diplomacy" ever been added to the Klingon language?
Worf: Not yet. The closest equivalent is....
Riker: Forget I asked. I think I'd rather not know.
(The Enterprise sails off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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