Five-Minute "In Theory"

Picard: Mr. Worf, my disks are on the ground.
Worf: A Romulan intruder must have snuck past us on the bridge, crept in here, knocked everything off your desk in an overt act of sabotage, and jumped out the window to cover his tracks! Recommend we go to Red Alert, sir!
Picard: I'm not going to honor that with a response.

D'Sora: Have a gift.
Data: As an android, I don't particularly care. Nor can I.
D'Sora: I'm trying to ignore that aspect of your personality.

Riker: Sir, the entire planet has disappeared. We're blaming dark matter.
Picard: Will, you and I both know that that's impossible. Dark matter can't do that!
Dark Matter: Oh, yeah? Wanna make somethin' of it?
Worf: Sir, the air in the conference room just got sucked out of a nonexistent hull breach.

Data: I will now draw on various romantic figures to create a satisfactory evening, such as Ward Cleaver, Bob Hartly, Commander Riker, and The Famous Mister Ed.
D'Sora: Why don't you spare me the trouble of calling you a weirdo and get out now?

Ensign Van Mayter: GAK!
La Forge: Ohmygosh! Ensign... ensign... um... Darn it, I've forgotten her name.

La Forge: Captain, MacDougal says that the ship is being attacked by evil "light" matter blobs.
Picard: And your advice is...?
La Forge: Prepare for attacks from dark matter blobs. And pay for their therapy; they're not evil, just misunderstood.

La Forge: We'll use the shuttlepod Voltaire to guide the ship out.
Riker: You mean the one that spins out of control when ever the tiniest pebble hits it?
La Forge: Yes, why?
Riker: No reason.

Picard: I'm going to fly the shuttle.
Riker: Why? I'm a better pilot, and Your Place Is On The Bridge anyhow.
Picard: Because I have to, Will.
Riker: Because why?
Picard: Because because.

Picard: (over the comm) The dark matter patches are forming words!
Riker: What do they say?
Picard: "While you were reading this, we snuck up behind you and knocked out your shuttle's thruster. Sucker."

Voltaire: BOOM!
Riker: Get him out of there, Chief.
O'Brien: (over comm) Sir, the shuttle already exploded! How am I supposed to get a--oh. How odd. Now I'm confused.
Picard: Perfectly understandable, Mr. O'Brien. Surviving is the captain's prerogative, and sometimes we just have to pull rank on Mother Nature.

Data: Dinner is served.
D'Sora: Sorry, Data, but I can't stay. I just came to tell you that it's over between us. (leaves)
Data: Maybe it was the fact that dinner was my silicon suspension....
(Data puzzles his puzzler until his puzzler is puzzled at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on June 21, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.