Five-Minute "Star Trek: Insurrection"
by Ventura33

Little Kid: Aaaah! There's a creepy mechanical head floating around our village!
Data: Zap! Pow!

Picard: Merde, I hate diplomatic functions. Quick, somebody come up with a contrived emergency so I won't have to dance with this vomit-ugly alien.
Idiot Admiral: Data just weirded out and started shooting up a planet.
Picard: Okay, that'll do.

Riker: Imzadi, I want to get it on with you.
Troi: Yuck!

Picard: Data, you are malfunctioning. Return to the Enterprise at once for repairs.
Data: Zap! Pow!
Picard: If you don't give up immediately, Worf and I will torture you with our singing.
Data: A fate worse than death. Surrender is the only possible choice.

La Forge: Looks like Data got weird because someone shot him. Hey, guys, I've got an idea -- let's all go down to the planet so whoever did it can attack us, too.
Picard: Works for me.
Worf: I'm always ready for a fight. Hey, no fair! That planet is giving me pimples!
Picard: We're all getting younger? Cool. Maybe some of my hair will grow back.

Troi: How about a nice romantic bubble bath with me, Will?
Riker: Okay. You can even shave off my beard if, afterward....
Troi: You know this is a PG-rated movie, so we're going to be interrupted by another pointless plot contrivance.
Riker: Why am I not surprised?

Data: This is where it happened. Hey, look over there, in the lake! A hidden ship with a huge holodeck! Someone must be planning to abduct the villagers!
Anij: (splashing frantically) I can't swim! Help!
Picard: Sorry, my dear, but the Prime Directive won't allow....
(Uh-huh, all you P/C fans wish.)

Idiot Admiral: I'm ordering the Enterprise to return to Earth at once, so that my decrepit new pals here can get rid of the villagers and steal the secret of eternal youth.
Picard: Bite me. No way I'd do that and miss my chance to give a ridiculously melodramatic speech on Federation ethics.

Crusher: Captain, we all know you're going to disobey orders and stay on the planet to protect the villagers, and we wouldn't dream of letting you go into danger alone. (aside) Not a chance I'd leave Jean-Luc alone with that hussy Anij.
Picard: Oo, I'm so touched by your loyalty (sniff).
Data: Why is everyone looking at me? Just because I happen to be an android does not necessarily prevent me from being as stupid as the rest of you.

Ru'afo: Admiral, you know the Enterprise is gonna blow the whistle on us when it gets into communications range. That is, if we let it get that far.
Idiot Admiral: You can't order an attack on a Federation ship!
Ru'afo: Who said anything about attack? Heh heh. We're just gonna distract 'em with a nice friendly game of Tiddlywinks.

Picard: Come on, let's get these villagers up into the mountains where they'll be safe.
Crusher: Uh oh, we're already under attack! The bad guys just blew up one of our transport inhibitors and beamed away several villagers.
Worf: Maybe if we're lucky, the next one they get will be that annoying brat with the cutesy pet.

Picard: Anij, sweetie pie, I know this isn't the best time, and you're older than my great-grandmother, but what the hey, I've been in space much too long. Wanna do the nasty?
Anij: Maybe, but first I have to stupidly let some rocks fall on my head so that you can be a hero and save me.
Picard: Okay. There's a cave over here that's about to collapse. What say we all go inside?

Riker: This really sucks canal water. The Enterprise has just been chased into a nebula by attacking ships. Oh, well, no problem, we can just blow them up by igniting explosive gases. Good thing we all ate plenty of beans for lunch.

Picard: Now that I've saved Anij, she's gonna put out for sure. Oh, crud, the bad guys just got us. Now what do I do?
Anij: How about using your wonderful eloquence to persuade one of them to turn traitor?
Picard: Woo hoo, she must really love me! Even Paramount wouldn't put something that preposterous in the script, now, would they?

Idiot Admiral: This has gone far enough! I refuse to cooperate with your evil plans any longer!
Ru'afo: No problem, Admiral. Ever tried having your face stretched? You'll love it. Bwahahaha! Now there's no one to stop me from destroying this solar system with my particle-collecting gizmo!

Data: With my usual android brilliance, I have successfully accomplished the transportation of the evil Ru'afo to the holo-ship on the planet.
Picard: Woops, Ru'afo just put himself in the particle-collecting gizmo, and we can't shut down the activation sequence by remote control.
Data: You mean I was supposed to destroy the transporters on the holo-ship, too? No fair. Do you expect me to think of everything?
Picard: Looks like I have to beam over to the particle-collecting gizmo myself and save us all before the whole solar system blows up. After all this, Anij had better turn out to be worth the trouble, if you know what I mean.
Data: Not exactly.
Picard: You're fully functional, aren't you? Figure it out.

Ru'afo: Don't even think about setting the gizmo to self-destruct!
Picard: Too late, loser. I already did, and now Worf's going to beam me to safety. Oh, fiddlesticks, the bad guys just grabbed Worf. How frightfully inconvenient.

Riker: What's the range of our transporters?
Transporter Operator: Forty thousand kilometers, sir.
Riker: Okay, when we improbably show up at just the right moment to rescue Picard, let's just whiz right up next to the crumbling whatchamacallit before we beam him away. After all, Captain Geezer could use a bit more excitement in his life.
Transporter Operator: Can do. But what about Ru'afo -- shouldn't we beam him to the brig instead of leaving him to get blown up? Our Federation ethics, and all that?
Riker: Nah. I wanna kill him.

Ru'afo: AAARGHHH!
Picard: You are the weakest link. Goodbye!

Worf: The guys who grabbed me have all decided to surrender. Looks like Klingon body odor is lethal to them.

Picard: Another triumph for the Enterprise. Anij, babe, now that I've had some -- um, I mean, had a wonderful and meaningful romantic interlude with you -- the stars are calling. But I'll be back to visit you when I take my next shore leave.
Anij: Yeah, right. Even I am not stupid enough to believe that.
(The Enterprise begins to blast off; time stops)

THE END

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