Five-Minute "Out of Gas"
by Jade

Future Serenity: Wooooo... Look how empty and spooky I am... and hey look! There's Mal, bleeding to death!
Future Mal: Groan...
Future Serenity: Isn't he handsome?

Past Mal: Oh no! I'm blinding my future self with all this light I'm letting through the door.
Past Zoe: That's... terrible.
Past Serenity: It is! Poor Mal...
Past Zoe: Sir, if you're gonna buy this ship it really needs a new name.
Past Mal: Yeah. U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-W just doesn't evoke the right sense of awe, somehow.

Future Mal: Ow. Big ow. And ouch, and let me just stumble around a bit...
Future Serenity: Fine by me! You're cute when you're dying.

All: Yum yum happy happy.
Serenity: BELCH.
Fire: Whoosh!
Zoe: Hey, I'm flying! (CRASH!) Uh-oh.
Wash: No! Zoe! Aaaaah!
Mal: Sigh... I knew we shouldn't have let Serenity try that piece of Simon's birthday cake.

Air: See ya, suckers!
Fire: Hey! Wait for me!

Future Mal: More ow... ooh, and I made a big bloody handprint on the door!
Future Serenity: Ooh, pretty...

Zoe: Zzzzzz...
Wash: No! Zoe! Aaaaah!
Mal: Wash, shut up.
Wash: No!
Mal: If you don't make like a tree and get outta here I'm gonna biff you in the nose.
Wash: I think I'll respond to that by groaning and running away.

Past Wash: Hey look, I have a big hairy moustache!
Past Zoe: Ew.
Past Mal: You're hired!

Zoe: Almost-GAK!
Future Mal: Ditto.

Kaylee: The ship's kaput and we're running out of air.
Mal: Huh. In that case, don't you think they should have called this episode "Out Of Air", not "Out Of Gas"?
Kaylee: Air is a type of gas.
Jayne: Actually it's a solution comprised of several gases, most notably N₂ and O₂.
Mal: I think I'm starting to suffer from oxygen deprivation already. I thought Jayne just said something sciency...

Simon: This situation sucks.
Inara: Yup.

Book: I'm afraid, even though the Bible tells me not to be.
River: Scaredy-cat.

Wash: I'm a real nowhere man, sitting in my nowhere ship, sending all these nowhere signals to nobody... Man, Mal sucks.
Mal: No, you suck!
Wash: Meh.
Mal: Yeah! Meh!

Future Serenity: I'm broken.
Future Mal: And I'm trying to fix you, but all this blood is really slippery...

Past Serenity: I'm broken.
Bester: Whatever, kinda busy right now...
Past Kaylee: I can fix her... just hand me that screw, would ya?
Bester: Hrmph. I was hoping for a different kind of screw.
Past Mal: Hey! Okay, you're fired, and you're hired.
Bester: Huh? What's the point of firing me if you're gonna hire me again a second later?
Past Mal: Bester, notice how your name doesn't have the word "past" in front of it? That's because we will never see you ever again. And that's because Kaylee's the one I just hired, not you. Buh-bye now!
Bester: Aw.

Serenity: I'm broken.
Kaylee: Yup.
Serenity: ...You're not gonna fix me?
Kaylee: Nope.
Serenity: But, butbut...
Kaylee: Oh, don't worry, I'll show the Captain how so he can do it at the last minute.
Serenity: Oh. Okay then!

Mal: I want you all to take the shuttles and abandon me here.
All: Okay!

Inara: Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you? I could provide valuable UST.
Mal: Oh, I think we'll be getting enough of that in the flashback.
Inara: What flashback? I don't see a flashback.
Mal: It'll be soon.
Inara: ...You're making this up, aren't you. You're all USTed out after those few words we exchanged at dinner!
Mal: I am not!
Inara: Oh yeah? Then where is this flashback that you speak of? You're just trying to get rid of me.
Mal: Well, that too, but the flashback is right about...

Past Mal: Here. HA! Mal 1, Inara 0.
Past Inara: ...And you think that bragging about it will make me want to rent this shuttle?
Past Mal: Meh. Here, have some UST.
Past Inara: Thanks. And that brings us right back to...

Inara: Come with us! Pleeeeease!
Mal: And, to finish off our little UST session, a little angst. Ack, we're all going to die!
Inara: Whoa. Good angst.

All: Bye, Mal!
Mal: Alas, I am all alone, with only Serenity for company.
Serenity: You say that like it's a bad thing. Honey.
Mal: My ship is a scary ship.

Mal: Brrrr. Cold.
Other Ship: BOO!
Mal: Hi!
Captain of Other Ship: So, what do you want?
Mal: Well mister, I look for things. Things to make me go.
Captain of Other Ship: Hmm, I may be able to find something to make you go... to hell! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Mal: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that last part.
Captain Of Other Ship: That's good, because I'm not supposed to seem evil or murderous until the...

Captain of Other Ship: ...next scene. Here's your engine part. Now I will shoot you and steal your ship.
Mal: Not if I manage to threaten you with this gun despite being shot and bleeding all over the place.
Captain of Other Ship: Drat. Oh well, bye then!

Past Jayne: Grrr!
Past Mal: Hey Jayne, you wanna work for us?
Past Jayne: Grrr.
Past Mal: I'll take that as a yes.

Mal: I'm bleeding to death! Hey, haven't I done this before? Is this some kind of time loop?
Serenity: Nah, it's just that you and Future Mal have just merged.
Mal: Do we get cool mergey special effects for that?
Serenity: Again, I would have to say: Nah. Handsome.
Mal: You're strange.

Serenity: Hey! You fixed me!
Mal: Yeah. I lubb you really.
Serenity: Aww. But oh no! You passed out just before you could call the others back!
Mal: Don't worry. They'll come back anyway, next scene.
Serenity: Really?
Mal: Yep.
Serenity: Oh. Cool.

Serenity: You sure they're coming back?
Mal: Uh-huh. Any minute now.

Serenity: Really really sure? This isn't the end of the episode?
Mal: Yes, I'm really really sure, and stop making this conversation look like three scenes when it isn't. In fact, don't talk at all anymore. You're a ship, and you're not really talking, so shut...

Mal: ...up. Awake. Me. Hey, you're back!
All: Yep. One big happy family again.
Serenity: Aww.

Salesman: Now, this here is the Phoenix. Fine ship. Even has seatbelts.
Past Mal: Thanks, but I like that ship over there better. She keeps rotating her engine at me suggestively.
(Past Mal falls in love with Serenity at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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