Five-Minute "Objects in Space"
by Jade

Early's Voice In River's Head: Boo!
River: Huh.

Simon: Grrr.
Kaylee: (silence)
Jayne: Waaah!
Book: MWAHAHAHAHA!
Zoe and Wash: Smoochie smoochie!
Inara: Sigh...
Mal: Meh.
River: Whoa.

Jayne's Gun: River, I am but a humble twig. Please pick me up!
River: Ooh, okay.
All: AAAAH! RIVER'S GOT A GUN!
Mal: River, guns bad!
River: Yeah, I think I twigged that.

Early's Ship: BOO! Um, I mean, silent stalking, silent stalking...
Early: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Kaylee: River scared me. She killed some folk, and then she said she liked pie!
Mal: Pie? Wow, that is scary! Also, I think she's psychic.
Jayne: Yeah! Like, the other day I heard her voice gettin' louder an' louder, an' I thought "Gee, she's gonna come through that door," an' then she did! It was like she read my mind!
Kaylee: See? Terrifying!

Kaylee: Simon, I wub River really. And you, for that matter,
Simon: Aww, me too! Let's kiss!
Book: Not gonna happen. Well, not now, at any rate.

All: Zzzzzz...
Early: Well, here I am, on the ship... MWAHAHAHAHA!
Mal: Hey! Get off my ship!
Early: No. Go back to sleep.
Mal: No, I think I'll beat you up inste--
Early's Fist: PUNCH!
Mal: Zzzzzz...

Early: BOO!
Kaylee: Aaaaaaah!
Early: MWAHAHAHAHA! Oh yeah, and I'm gonna tie you up. Hand me that tape, wouldya?

Early: BOO! Uh, I mean, silent beating up of Book...
Book: Ouch! Zzzzzz...

Early: BOO! Where's River?
Simon: Not telling.
Early: Aw, come on!
Simon: Nope. My purpose in this scene is to be shirtless, not to betray River.
Early: Aw. Oh well, let's go ask Inara...

Early: BOO! Is River here?
Inara: Aaaaaaah! No.
Early's Fist: PUNCH!
Inara: Hey! What was that for?
Early: Nothing, I just thought this scene needed a little more evilness.

River: BOO! I am a witch and am using my witching powers to incorporeally possess Serenity.
Early: Hey, I'm a lion! Guess that leaves Simon to be the wardrobe.
Simon: Sigh...
River: MWAHAHAHAHA!
Early: Woah, role reversal!

River: Do stuff for me.
Kaylee: Why?
River: I have a plan. I call it Plan 9 From Inner Serenity.
Mal: Oh-kay...

Zoe: Exterminate! Exterminate!
River: No.
Zoe: Aw.

River: Okay Early, let's go...
Simon: No! River, don't run!
River: Simon, you can cry me a river --
Simon: Waaaaah!
River: -- but I'm still leaving. Come on Early, I'm on your ship.
Early: I thought you were incorporeally possessing a spaceship?
River: Meh. I lied.

Early: Get outta the way, I'm leaving.
Simon: No!
Early's Gun: BANG!
Simon: ...Okay, you can leave now...

Early: Ooh, outer space...
Mal: Pretty, isn't it? Mind if I shove you into it?
Early: Well, yes, actual--
Mal: Oop, too late. Hi, River!
River: I'm so cool.

Simon: Ouch... ouch... ouch...
Zoe: MWAHAHAHAHA! I get to stick tweezers in Simon's wound!
Wash: Well, I get to mop your brow.
Mal: I get to have UST with Inara.
Jayne: Book and I get to get all sweaty!
Book: ...except, not in the way those slash writers are hoping.
Kaylee: And River and I get to giggle and have fun!
All: Yay!

Early: Aw. I don't wanna be floating in outer space! I still have so many Rivers to cross! I could've made a fortune on all the reward money! Plus, y'know, not died...
(Early floats around at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END... FOR NOW

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