Five-Minute "Heart of Gold"
by PointyHairedJedi

Rance: I've come for what's mine!
Nandi: She's not here, slimeball. And you'll never see her ever again. Ever.
Petaline: Not so rough, you nameless goons. Can't you see I'm pregnant?
Rance: Yes, I can see that she's gone, far, far away. (Takes DNA sample) Now, if this comes back a match... all your babies are belong to us!
Nandi: What you say! ...Girls, I think we're going to need some help, though I don't know what kind of fool would help us...

Mal: Eeek!
Inara: Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.
Mal: No, no. I was just practising screaming like a little girl. Strikes pity into the hearts of... never mind.
Wash: Guys, there's a distress call -- for you, Inara.
Mal: My, that sounds most urgent. I guess someone just couldn't get by on their own, hmm?

Nandi: (over the comm) So we're pretty much stuffed unless you can help us in any way.
Inara: I'm sure we'll be able to. What this crew lacks in smarts they make up for with guns. Did I mention they have lots and lots of guns? Anyway, ta-ta for now.
Mal: You know, all these drapes and whatnot make it awfully easy for a fella to hide back here and eavesdrop.
Inara: Well, Jayne learned not to pretty quickly after I got that electric cattle prod. Now, I need to know -- are we going to help my friend?
Mal: Naturally. I'm in one of my annoyingly noble moods today.
Inara: Same as every other day you mean?

Zoe: Now, this is a strictly voluntary job...
Jayne: I'm out.
Mal: They're prostitutes.
Jayne: Like that's really going to change my mind. (pause) Heh, had you all going for a moment there, didn't I.
Mal: Not really, no.

Nandi: Inara, it's been too long. And this must be Mal. Hmm -- is that unresolved sexual tension I smell in the air?
Mal: Uh, no, not at all. That's, uh, my aftershave. Yes indeedy.
Inara: What he said. Anyway, let's go somewhere and talk.

Jayne: 'Tis is a miracle of rare device! A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!
All: Beware! Beware! His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Wash: ...Well, that was weird.
Kaylee: Look, they have men too. Maybe I should ask, after all, it's been a while...
Simon: Ow! That was my foot!
Petaline: Are you the doctor?
Simon: Owie! It hurts! It really hurts!
Petaline: Eh, you'll do.

Mal: This Rance fella sounds a mite...unreasonable.
Nandi: Well, yes, in the same sense that molten lava is quite warm. He wants this baby because his wife is barren, and he won't stop until he gets his way. Heck, he even keeps this moon poor on purpose, treats it like his own personal western themed amusement park.
Mal: Cheaper than buying a lot of androids, I suppose. So, when do I get to meet him? I like to look a man in the face before I shoot him. Unless I shoot him in the back instead.
Nandi: He'll be at the theatre tonight. I believe they're staging Planet of the Apes: The Musical.
Inara: I'll go with you only on the condition that you don't punch anyone this time, okay?

Mal: Hi, I'm Malcolm Reynolds. I just wanted to say what a beautiful wife you have.
Rance: Yes, she's quite something, isn't she? The Betsy 9000 Turbo-Deluxe Laser Special with Advanced Double-Return Bolt Action and a Maxi-Quad Reticular Omni-Vision Scope. Say hello to the nice man, Betsy.
Mal: I'm not sure if you heard me right -- I was talking about your wife, not your sidearm.
Rance: Wife? Ohhh, you mean that woman standing next to me. Yes, I'm sure she's very nice. But anyway, let's talk about Betsy some more...
Mal: Uh, really I'd love to, but I must dash. We have to go and meet some samurai.

Rance: (on the phone) So the DNA definitely matches? Excellent, the baby is mine. Isn't that wonderful news, darling?
Mrs. Burgess: Yes, it's --
Rance: I've told you before, don't interrupt me when I'm talking to Betsy.

Mal: Okay, so here's my carefully considered and worked-out plan -- we run away. All of us.
Nandi: Not a chance. This is my home, and besides, do you know the amount of hassle it would take to get our mail redirected?
Mal: Well, all righty then. I was getting a bit bored with that whole 'breathing' thing anyway.
River: Ouch time...
Mal: Yeah, you ain't kidding.
Petaline: Uh, actually, I think the baby is coming.
Simon: Baby? That's the thing that comes out the... yes, I know how to do this. At least, I think so.
Mal: Right then, let's all get busy.
Jayne: Waaay ahead of you there, Mal.

Zoe: The thing is, Wash, I want to have a baby someday.
Wash: Are you sure that's such a good idea? Serenity is hardly the best place to bring up a kid.
Zoe: Ah ha. You do realize that there's no possible way you can win this argument, right?
Wash: Yeah, pretty much.

Nandi: So, is there any reason why you aren't availing yourself of our services?
Mal: I like to stick to just doing one thing at a time, otherwise things can get... complicated. Besides, I think Jayne is more than making up for the rest of us.
Nandi: I think you could say that. Inara is a lot like you, you know.
Mal: You mean she doesn't like complications?
Nandi: That too, but I was going to say she's as bad at hiding her feelings as you are. Now get your clothes off already.
Mal: When you put it like that, how can I say no?

Inara: Have you ever actually done this before?
Simon: Uh... well, I saw it on TV once.
River: We were babies, once, and young men too.
Petaline: Dammit, all of you quit yakking and drug me up already!

Chari: Nandi's gotten herself a couple of mercenaries, led by a fella called Malcolm Reynolds.
Rance: Yeah, I remember him. He was rude to Betsy, and for that he will surely pay. And the rest of them, I'll make them all pay too...
Crowd: Hooray!
Rance: Now, Chari, I have an extra task for you. On your knees!
Chari: Sheesh, can't you tie your own shoelaces for a change?

Mal: Well, this is all kinds of awkward.
Inara: No no, it's perfectly fine. I don't mind at all.
Mal: Are you sure? You've got this odd kind of facial twitch going there...

Mal: (over the WT) Wash, are we there yet?
Wash: Just sit still back there, okay? We'll be there soon. And if I catch you pulling Inara's hair again...
Kaylee: Is it just me, or was the captain acting a little funny this morning?
Wash: You mean the red clown nose and the baggy pants? Yeah, I did wonder about those, actually.

Mal: Everyone ready now? Remember, shoot the man, not the horse. Only I get to shoot the horses.
Jayne: (over the WT) Oh man, that thing with the ping pong balls is awesome.
Mal: Jayne, your radio is... you know what? I don't even wanna know. Just be ready, okay?
Jayne: Trust me Mal, I'm always ready.

Nandi: How're things going?
Petaline: AARRGH! Gorrammit, why did no-one tell me that this would hurt so much?
Simon: Yeah, she's just fine. I expect the baby will be along soon enough.
Nandi: Inara, about last night...
Inara: No really, it's okay. I'll be just fine.
Nandi: You really should see someone about that twitch.

Nandi: You didn't tell me the unrequited love thing was mutual!
Mal: Unrequited...? Uh, what was that, Jayne? Rance and his men are here?
Jayne: (over the WT) What? I didn't say that. Oh, hang on, there they are.
Mal: My, what terrible timing.

Mal: (over the WT) Wash, they're almost here. Ready to get in the air yet?
Wash: We're kinda busy getting shot at, captain, so it might have to wait just a little.

Rance: Open fire!
Gunner: (FRUDDA FRUDDA FRUDDA)

Mal: Everyone down! (into WT) Jayne, would you be a dear and take care of that gunner for me?
Jayne: Yeah, sure, why not?
(Jayne takes down the gunner, and everyone starts firing)
Mal: I'd sure hate to be anyone trying to describe all this action through a textual medium right about now.

Mal: Jayne, where'd Burgess get to? I can't see him anymore.
Jayne: Wait, was I supposed to be watching him or something?
Mal: I just hope he's not been let into the house by a turncoat, 'cause then we'd really be in trouble.

Wash: Hey goons! Over here! Look at me, I'm running into the engine room!
(He slams the engine room door shut, at at the other end of the corridor Kaylee does the same, trapping the goons)
Wash: ...Wait, engine room? Oh, poop. Operation Wooden Rabbit isn't turning out to be one of my better plans.

Simon: It's a... well, I'm pretty certain it's a baby.
Rance: (enters) It's my baby now, Dave.
Nandi: You! You're not taking that baby anywhere!
Rance: And who's going to stop me?
Inara: Me and this knife. Now hand the baby over nice and slow.
Rance: Sure, sure, and while I'm at it how about I elbow you and shoot Nandi too?
Nandi: GAK!
Inara: Hey, I never agreed to that!

Mal: Don't worry, I'll find him.
Inara: Find him... to death?
Mal: Maybe next time.

Mal: Come here, you!
Rance: You'll never take me, not while I've still got Betsy!
Betsy: Battery low. Guess you should have brought a spare, huh?
Rance: Nooooo! Betsy, why have you forsaken me?
Mal: Oh, shut up while I'm clubbing you into unconsciousness.

Rance: I wanna see my son right now, d'ya hear, Petaline?
Petaline: Rance, this is Jonah; Jonah, this is Rance. And now Rance, I'm going to shoot you, for great justice.
Rance: I think I've been set up the GAK!

Mal: So...
Inara: Yeah.
Mal: Inara, I think it's perhaps time --
Inara: That I left? I couldn't agree more.
Mal: ...Yup, those complications'll get you, every gorram time.
(Mal contemplates the universe at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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