Five-Minute "The Xindi"
by Zeke

Ant Xindi: A human ship has entered the Expanse. I say we kill them and eat their bones!
Reptile Xindi: Now now, let's be reasonable here. We don't have to kill them to eat their bones.
Sloth Xindi: Iiiiiiiiiiiiii thhhhhhhhhiinnnnnnkkkkkk wwwwwweeeeeeee....
Human Xindi: (He'll be another couple of hours. We should probably just leave.)
Walrus Xindi: (Can't. He has the floor.)
Human Xindi: (Damn Robert's Rules of Order!)

T'Pol: We'll be at the rendezvous point soon.
Archer: Good. With our awesome new darkened high-tech command center, we have no excuse for being late for rendezvouseses.
T'Pol: We should --
Archer: In fact, I think I'll take this opportunity to give some more exposition. We've been in the Expanse for a few weeks and are about to meet with someone who has a Xindi prisoner, and --
(clink)
Reed: Sorry, sir, I dropped my pencil.
Archer: WHAT? STARFLEET DIDN'T SEND US OUT HERE TO DROP OUR PENCILS!
T'Pol: Captain, don't you think you're overreacting?
Archer: I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I'M OVERREACTING!

Sato: So you're our elite new force, eh?
Major Hayes: Yes, ma'am. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Sato: Most people are. Want to talk about me some more?
Hayes: That won't be necessary -- we've all studied the command staff in detail. Which was hard with you and Mayweather because there's not much detail to you.
Sato: I resent that! I'm easily as complicated as the others!
Hayes: Yeah, that's what I knew you'd say.

Tucker: So, as you can see, gravity in the cargo bay is....
(pause)
Tucker: I said, is....
Cargo Bins: Oh, right! (CRASH)
Archer: Wow. That can't possibly be explained by science. Therefore it didn't happen. What did you really call me down here for, Trip?
Tucker: I was sorta hopin' the cargo bins would target you.

T'Pol: Hello, Doct-- no. Whatever you intend to ask of me, I'm not doing it.
Phlox: But Vulcan touch therapy would really be good for Mr. Tucker. Don't you want to help him recover from his loss?
T'Pol: I would be less suspicious of your motives if you weren't wearing a pimp hat.

Reed: Ah-CHOO! The air down here isn't very fresh.
Archer: You can wear a helmet if you want, sissy. But don't expect me to prevent any more suicides.
Reed: Too busy causing them?
Archer: You know it.

Foreman: Welcome to my filthy planet. Did you bring the payment?
Archer: I was hoping we could renegotiate. My crew really need their spleens.
Foreman: Very well, we'll make it platinum. Gold-pressed platinum.
Archer: How many bars?
Reed: (Sir, we don't have --)
Archer: (We have tinfoil and we have gold paint.)

Tucker: Elizabeth, run! The death beam from space is after you!
Elizabeth: Oh, Charles, you say the silliest thi--
(BOOM)
Tucker: AAAAAAA! Thank heaven, it was just a dream! My sister's not really d... oh. Damn.

Archer: What have you found, Doctor?
Phlox: According to that finger you brought back, the man is Xindi, but a different kind from the corpse we have. Perhaps he's a creepy mutant Xindi.
Archer: That's all you could get from it?
Phlox: It isn't a very significant digit.

Tucker: No way. We've been over the T'Pol thing. I can't think of anything I'd hate as much as an intimate touching session with her.
Phlox: But I think it could really help you!
Tucker: Like that's your real motive.
Phlox: Helping you, helping my video sales, what's the difference?

Tucker: Here's your platinum. Don't bite down on it.
Foreman: Thanks. My Xindi's in back.
Archer: He's not a creepy mutant Xindi, is he?
Foreman: Not yet, but it can be arranged for a small additional fee.

Xindi Prisoner: So you're the ones who wanted my finger, eh? I expect it back when you're done.
Tucker: He's not cooperatin'. Can I beat him up now?
Archer: Look, Mr. Xindi, all we want are the coordinates of your homeworld.
Xindi: How am I supposed to point you in the right direction without my finger?
Tucker: That's it! It's beatin' time!
Archer: Sorry about my friend here. He's projecting.
Xindi: Oh, well that -- OW! -- makes it -- OW! -- okay then....

Archer: Archer to Enterprise. T'Pol, can you remind me again what the good cop is supposed to do?
Communicator: Contact cannot be established due to obvious trap.
Archer: What? A trap? Who would trap us?
Xindi: Gee, I don't know, maybe the guy who gave you the finger?
Tucker: You'll have to narrow it down. Jon gets that three or four times a day.

Foreman: (over the comm) Don't worry, Subcommander, there's no trapping going on of any sort.
T'Pol: Then why did you call me?
Foreman: Oh crap! I forgot I was supposed to save the denial till you actually asked about it! Um... talk to you later.
T'Pol: I can't put the Xindi's finger on it, but something seemed odd in that conversation. Mr. Reed, prepare a battle plan.
Reed: Don't worry, I devise four hundred and seven battle plans every time we encounter anyone.

Tucker: Good thing you know about this secret escape tunnel and never used it till now. Very convenient.
Xindi: I already explained why I haven't used it. This isn't a plot hole.
Tucker: I'm going to pretend it is because it's an easy one to mock.
Xindi: Okay, you get to climb below both of us and get dripped on. Archer, before we go, why is it that you want my homeworld's coordinates?
Archer: Well, I'm not saying I intend to blow it up, but let's just say I won't be very upset if someone leans on the Destroy Planet button when we get there.
Xindi: You get the second most dripped-on position.

Hayes: No, I'm not saying Plan 9 is bad, but it's not the one to go with. Do we even have a rhinoceros on the ship?
Reed: But how can you recommend Plan 34? It's terrible!
Hayes: They're all your plans!
Reed: Oh, switching to personal attacks, are we?
T'Pol: Gentlemen! This horn-locking is unnecessary. We all know who is the alpha male on this ship.
Hayes: Archer?
Reed: You?
T'Pol: Porthos.

Henchman: Looks like they're trying to escape through an old plasma duct.
Foreman: The Xindi knew an escape route and hadn't used it himself?
Xindi: (over the comm) It's not a damn plot hole!

Archer: Oh no, there's plasma entering the tube!
Tucker: We'll be killed by our attempt to survive! Isn't it ironic?
Archer: Don't you think?
Xindi: If you two will shut up and hurry, we can get out of here in time!
Tucker: Having to escape our escape route... isn't it ironic?
Archer: Don't you --
Xindi: SHUT UP!

Mayweather: The military crewmen are all on the shuttlepod ready to go, and I'm in full "scared rabbit" mode.
T'Pol: Good. You are clear for departure, Mr. Reed.
Reed: Wish me luck not getting upstaged by the MACOs.
T'Pol: That would require a miracle.

Foreman: Trying to escape, were you?
Archer: Kinda.
Xindi: Thank heaven you saved me from these lunatics! They forced me to come with -- ow.
Foreman: That wasn't necessary. I didn't believe him.
Tucker: Believe what? I just punched him out because I'm projectin'.

Reed: Attack! AIEEEEEYIYIYIYI!
Hayes: My ears! What the hell was that?
Reed: Xena's war-whoop.
Hayes: You're not even omega male.

Tucker: Hey, they're coming to rescue us! Guess we're not doing that "Workforce" remake after all.
Xindi: Can I come too? Pleeeeease?
Archer: All right, but you have to get shot on the way.
Xindi: I don't know if I can guarantee -- AAAAARGH!
Archer: By me.

Captain's Starlog: Okay, so we were tricked and had to fight for our lives. I'm still calling it a successful mission because nobody likable got shot.

Phlox: Interesting. It appears that while our two Xindi samples are totally different lifeforms, their DNA is still close enough to be the same species. The analysis would be easier if I knew anything at all about biology.
Archer: How's the Xindi prisoner?
Phlox: I don't know anything about medicine either.
Archer: May he rest in peace.
Phlox: By the way, just before he died, he gave me these coordinates.
Archer: Really?
Phlox: Well, he actually said "Damn you, Phlox" in Xindi, but in English it happens to sound like coordinates.

T'Pol: Um...
Tucker: Er...
T'Pol: Well...
Tucker: I think we'd better just skip this scene. It's too embarrassin'.
T'Pol: I concur.

Mayweather: We've arrived at the Xindi homew... huh.
Archer: Subcommander, I know we humans are new out here, but if this is where the planet is, shouldn't there be a big water-polo-ball-shaped thing on the screen?
T'Pol: All I detect is a debris field. Perhaps the Xindi base is on Dantooine instead.
Archer: That's a lie! Many Bothans... well, one Xindi died to give us this information! His homeworld must be here... but what happened to it? Unless....
T'Pol: You're about to blame time travel, aren't you?
Archer: Maybe I am, T'Pol. Maybe I am.

Ant Xindi: The human ship is coming deeper into the Expanse! Bone-eating NOW, dammit!
Reptile Xindi: You fool! If we kill them now, the bones won't be fresh when they get here!
Human Xindi: Why do we waste these meetings in petty squabbling? Can't we all agree on anything?
Walrus Xindi: The rest of us all agree that you suck.
Human Xindi: Hey! Well, your mother....
(The Xindi squabble pettily at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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