Five-Minute "Anomaly"
by Zeke

Engineer: Sir! Weird gravitational anomalies are happening all over the ship and --
Tucker: Not now. Malcolm an' I are playing riddles. Whose turn was it again?
Reed: Mine. What do you get if you combine "The Void," "Equinox II," and "Relics"?
Tucker: I dunno... hmmmmmmmmmm...
Engineer: Oh, now he's going to take the next 45 minutes figuring it out. Great going.

Porthos: Ruff! Ruff!
Archer: What's that, boy? Little Trip Tucker fell down the old well? Heh heh heh. I'm so funny.
Coffee Cup: FREEZE
Archer: Huh. That was weird.
Porthos: Ruff.
Archer: Oh, be quiet. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

Tucker: The reactor's overloading! Everybody run!
Reactor: You can't run. You can't hide. I'll track you down and fry you all!
Tucker: You're bolted to the floor.
Reactor: For now.

Tucker: (over the comm) It's no good, Cap'n. I cannae give you warp any longer.
Archer: Ensign, take us out --
Mayweather: Yeah, yeah, I heard him. No need to strain yourself.
Reed: Want a damage report? 'Cause there's lots of damage to report.
T'Pol: In addition, I'm detecting a disabled ship in this sector.
Archer: Really? Mr. Reed, assemble an away team. Disabled ships are easy targets. -- For humanitarian aid.

Reed: Eeeep! A corpse!
MACO: Eeeep! More corpses!
Archer: Anyone else glad we didn't bring Hoshi?
Sato: (over the comm) I heard that.

T'Pol: That was quick.
Archer: All the good stuff had already been stolen. Same problem archaeologists have, I hear.
T'Pol: Let's hope the thieves don't come back. Our shields (er, hull plating) are down and our security's pretty pathetic.
Archer: But we have two security forces on board!
T'Pol: That's the problem. They can't stop bickering long enough to do anything.

Tucker: Like "The Void"... but also like "Relics"... oh, hi, Cap'n. Come to check how the repairs are going?
Archer: Yes, and to make sure you're making weapons a priority.
Tucker: Are you worried about an attack, or are you just spending too much time with Malcolm?
Archer: I attended one of his NRA meetings the other day. It was enlightening and informative.

Coffee Cup: Hi. I'm still frozen.
Archer: Then I'll yank you out of the air as another mark of what a bad@$$ I am now.
Coffee Cup: If you're such a bad@$$, how come you take five sugars per cup?

Archer: That ship doesn't look too friendly. Hailing frequencies?
Sato: All I'm getting from them is this "yarrrrr" sound.
Archer: Uh oh.

Pirates: CHARGE!
Crewman Fuller: GAK!
Tucker: Take this!
Reactor: FRY, you fiends! FRY!
Sato: I'm just speaking here so someone has a line without an exclamation point.
Pirates: ATTACK!

Archer: You won't get away, you pirates of the Delphibbean Expanse!
Reed: They already got away, sir. They could beam out because our shields (er, hull plating) are down.
Archer: Rats. Did any of the security teams succeed?
Reed: Oh, my people did fine, but those MACOs kept tripping them up.
MACO: Maybe if you hadn't been griping at us the whole time....

Archer: Oh no. Phlox, is that crewman dead?
Phlox: Not at all! He's alive and kicking.
Archer: Great, now I have to tell his next of kin.
Tucker: But Cap'n, didn't Phlox just say --
Archer: Phlox looks at me and T'Pol and sees sexual tension. Of course he's going to look at a corpse and see brain activity.

Prisoner: So I've been captured. I suppose next I'll be subjected to brutal torture for information.
Archer: Oh, do you think that would be a good idea? What else would be good?
Prisoner: You're new at this, aren't you?

Tucker: You must be pretty upset about Crewman Fuller.
Reed: Better him than me -- he's led a Fuller life. But he will be hard to replace with his knowledge of the new torpedoes. I have someone in mind, though.
Tucker: Oh? Who's that?
Reed: The pirate who knew exactly which one of us to shoot.

Captain's Starlog: The pirates' flight is concerning me. Time to play "follow the leader" with those mean stealers.

Reed: Their ion trail ends here... and then picks up again eight hours later in a different place.
Archer: There's only one possible explanation. The ship went into the distant future, traveled to the other spot, and came back!
T'Pol: This is so like you. The Earth is scorched by an alien probe? It must be from the future. We survive an explosion we shouldn't have? No problem, blame it on the future. Porthos spills salsa all over himself? It's all the future's fault!
Archer: I think you're exaggerating this somewhat.
T'Pol: Am I? Or is the future?
Archer: Hmm, good point.

Mayweather: Whoa! Invisible force field barrier thing!
Archer: Hold your course! I must follow them forward... repair whatever damage they'll do....
Reed: We're through. The trip was pretty hard on our shields (er, hull plating), but they're holding.
Archer: Well, let's see what's (er, that's getting a bit repetitive) here.

T'Pol: Astonishing. It's a self-contained world 19 kilometers long.
Sato: This is where one of us says it's a small moon and another says "that's not a moon, it's a battlestation," right?
Archer: I wasn't going to say that. Were you, Subcommander?
T'Pol: Not me.
Reed: Me neither.
Sato: That's kind of a relief.

Reed: The door's locked.
Archer: Bring the pod closer, Travis. You can push the locking controls with its nose.
Mayweather: That's absurd, sir.
Archer: Okay, I'll just shoot them.
Reed: Excellent! You're already applying NRA thinking in daily life.

Archer: Sweet, our stuff is here. Let's beam it back.
MACO: You guys have a transporter? That wasn't in our briefings.
Reed: Maybe if you grunts weren't so stupid you'd have known about it.
MACO: Shove it up your --
Archer: Guys! Calm down; you're both right. We have a transporter, but we use it so rarely half the crew don't believe in it.

Mayweather: I found their logs from past pirating. Can't read 'em, though.
Archer: Give them to Hoshi to translate, and make sure to specify that this is one of those real orders she has to actually follow.
Mayweather: You've sure earned the respect of your crew, sir.

Tucker: Doc, I got a plasma burn. Any chance you could just treat it and not --
Phlox: -- go on about your sex life? Sorry, that won't be possible.

T'Pol: The structure is most remarkable.
Archer: I agree. Nice to be doing some exploring again rather than our current angry --
Sato: (over the comm) Sir, I found some Xindi iconography in the pirating logs.
Archer: Xindi? Xindi? Their very name fills me with an all-consuming torrent of rage!
Sato: And that's why I told you from here.

Archer: TELL ME! TELL ME ABOUT THE XINDI YOU ATTACKED!
Prisoner: Are you always like this on the subject of -- hey! Let me out of the airlock!
Archer: What's that? "Let the air out of the airlock?"
Prisoner: I said me!
Archer: No, I'm pretty sure I heard air.

Reed: Sir, what are you doing? The prisoner will --
Archer: He'll break.
Reed: Arrrgg... morality conflict... must calm mind with thoughts of weaponry....
Archer: There, that'll do. Feeling any more cooperative, prisoner? ...Prisoner?
Reed: He was sucked out into space, sir. See, when you open an airlock...
Archer: Shoot. We'd better go pick him up.

T'Pol: How did the interrogation go?
Archer: He proved quite cooperative after we thawed him out. Hoshi, could you download the pirates' Xindi database with these codes?
Sato: We'd need to be dangerously close to their ship.
Archer: Then let's get dangerous.

T'Pol: The pirates have re-entered the sector.
Archer: Open a channel. This is Jonathan Archer of the pre-Federation starship I'm About to Kick Your Butt.
Pirates: (over the comm) Yarrrrrrrrrrrr....
Archer: Sigh. I hate wasting a good intro line on static.

Reed: Shields (er, hull plating) at 90%!
Archer: Take us (er, I said that's repetitious) in closer!
Reed: Shall I open (er, would you rather I used the wrong word?) fire?
Archer: Nega(er, no, point taken)tive!

Sato: I've got their database! Mostly.
Archer: Perfect. Good flying, Travis.
Mayweather: Thanks, moron.
Reed: All right, it's time someone asked. What's with this disrespect all of a sudden?
Mayweather: It occurred to me that you guys can't turn around and get a new pilot now. So I may as well spend my few lines insulting people. Idiot.

Archer: Thanks for your help. You can rejoin the pirates.
Prisoner: They'll make me walk the plank!
Archer: After your airlock adventure, that should be a walk in the plank. I mean park.

Archer: Computer... show me the Xindi data.
Computer: Warning: some parts are incomplete.
Archer: That won't cause any trouble. Now let's see... "Superweapon is being developed in sector [data missing]"....
(Archer examines the data at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Previous fiver: The Xindi
Next fiver: Extinction

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