Five-Minute "Tribunal"
by Derek Dean

O'Brien: Okay, if I get replaced by a replicant, call Rick Deckard. If you're told I'm dead, I do drink coffee in the afternoon. And if I'm arrested for espionage, please get there before the punishment.
Sisko: Geez, just because the episode's about you doesn't mean you're going to be needlessly brutalized.
O'Brien: You say that.

Boone: Hey, O'Brien. This conversation may be recorded for quality assurance.
O'Brien: Hi, Boone! It's Miles O'Brien! Wow, is it good to hear your voice!
Boone: Thanks, now all I need you to say is "passport."
O'Brien: Passport? Why?
Boone: No reason. See you later.

Evek: Evek to runabout: we are detecting Chief O'Brien on board. Please beam him over so he can be needlessly brutalized.
O'Brien: (muttering) I knew it.
Evek: Under article 184 of Interstellar Law, I place you under arrest.
O'Brien: Can I put a viridium patch on first?
Evek: No.

Cardassian: You should prove an interesting challenge. Possibly the most interesting to come through that door in many years.
O'Brien: Don't you want Sisko? He's higher in the chain of command.
Makbar: Hey! No more TNG references.

Sisko: Don't worry, we'll get O'Brien back. We're sending in Captain Jellico to negotiate for him.
Keiko: And in the meantime they've probably stripped him naked and started asking him how many lights he sees.
Makbar: (over the comm) What did I just say about TNG references?
Sisko: We weren't in that scene.

Kovat: Hi, I'm your lawyer.
O'Brien: Can I have a Klingon one? Like Colonel Worf or Kolos?
Kovat: They both lost their cases.
O'Brien: Winning isn't everything.
Kovat: I entirely agree.
O'Brien: Crap.

Sisko: Who stole all the warheads from this room?
Jadzia: Computer, play the voice entry used to enter this room.
"O'Brien": "Hi, my name is Miles O'Brien! My voice! is my passport? Verify me."
Sisko: Something tells me that voice was doctored.
Bashir: Hey, I had nothing to do with this!
Sisko: Sigh.

Makbar: This court will come to order as soon as someone brings me a gavel rock that sparks.
Kovat: This isn't a Klingon court.
Makbar: I'll pass judgment on that later. Bring in the prisoner.
O'Brien: What is the penalty for my alleged crime?
Makbar: The undiscovered country.
O'Brien: The future?
Makbar: No, fool. Death! Haven't you read Shakespeare?

Odo: We have new evidence.
Makbar: Evidence, schmevidence. Like anyone here cares.
Odo, O'Brien and Keiko: We care.
Makbar: Anyone important, I meant.

Shadowy Maquis Cigarette Smoking Man: Dang, that's a long name.
Bashir: Wait a minute. You're rebels, not part of a shadowy government agency! This is the wrong season for that anyway.
Maquis: Well in any case Boone isn't one of us.
Bashir: Isn't one of us as in not Maquis or not human?
Maquis: Either... or both.

Sisko: You stole those warheads, didn't you?
Boone: What tipped you off?
Sisko: A number of things: Your sneakers, our crack team of investigators, the (cough) Maquis infomant.
Boone: Okay, okay, I admit it. I'm a Cardassian altered to look like a human.
Sisko: How devious.
Boone: That's nice of you to say, but I'll never be as devious as my sister Seska.

Sisko: Excuse me, Archon, but we've found out your little plot.
Makbar: I prefer you address me as Admiral.
Sisko: Very well, Admiral Makbar, but that doesn't change things.
Makbar: Crap. In that case the sentence of death... is commuted.

Keiko: I'm glad Miles is safe, but there's just one thing I don't understand.
O'Brien: One thing?
Keiko: Why did they arrest Miles? What was so important about him?
Sisko: Nothing really. Miles was just a red herring.
Keiko: Don't be silly. He's a human.
Sisko: Then they must've picked him for some more needless O'Brien brutalization.
O'Brien: I hope this trend ends soon.
Sisko: Don't hold your breath.
(O'Brien continues getting needlessly brutalized at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END

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