Five-Minute "The Nagus"
by Derek Dean

Sisko: Hey, wanna go check out the firecaves on Bajor?
Jake: What would possess me to do that?
Sisko: Some son you are. Maybe I can get Dukat to go with me.

Krax: May I present the Grand Nagus!
Quark and Rom: Inconceivable!
Zek: Why does everyone always say that to me?

O'Brien: All right, the class assignment was to write an essay about "continuity". Nog, why don't you go first.
Nog: Some Vulcans stole my assignment!
O'Brien: Vulcans? Yeah, right.
Nog: No, really! They were 22nd century Vulcans who couldn't seem to remember my species' name!
O'Brien: Well, your story checks out. Just turn it in by tomorrow.

Zek: Having a bar at the mouth of a stable wormhole has made you a success overnight, Quark.
Quark: Actually, it was found during the day.
Zek: Whatever.

Nog: I have a report due tomorrow in school.
Zek: You go to school? You idiot.
Rom: That's why he's going to school.
Krax: The school's taught by a female too, though when I spoke to her today she said "Bloody Ferengi! Can't you tell human genders apart?"
Zek: Enough! The next person to talk about school will be going to school with the fishes.
All: Yes, Godfather.

Zek: Let me use your bar.
Quark: I hate you.
Zek: Also I want you to stay for our boring meeting.
Quark: I hate you so much.
Zek: So I can make you Nagus.
Quark: Let me buy you a drink, friend.

Jake: Why weren't you in school this morning? Vulcans steal your homework again?
Nog: Take your human witticism and bury it.

Sisko: Why so sad, lad?
Jake: Nog and I got into a fight.
Sisko: Woohoo! So wanna go see the firecaves now?
Jake: Geez, will you stop asking me that?
Sisko: I'll go see those firecaves if it's the last thing I do!

Gral: Hey, friend. I think you need some protection... from me.
Quark: You don't really mean that, do you?
Gral: Nah. Some guy identifying himself as CD just paid me a lot of money to threaten you.
Quark: Crap. I better hire Rom as my bodyguard.

Quark: Zek, help me! Someone wants my head!
Zek: If he gets it, then you'll be dead.
Quark: No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Zek: Anybody want a -- GAK!

Jake: I'm sorry we fought. Can we make up?
Nog: Sure! I'll get the mascara; you get the lipstick.
Jake: And on that note, I wonder if that offer about the firecaves from my dad still stands.

Odo: So who's conspiring against you?
Quark: It's gotta be Krax.
Rom: No, it's not. It's somebody else. Like that guy a few scenes ago.
Odo: Are you defending Krax?
Rom: No, but let's just remember that it might not be Krax as well as possibly Krax.

Sisko: What were you doing last night?
Jake: Just doing stuff with Nog.
Sisko: You two weren't putting on makeup again, were you?
Jake: No, I was teaching him to read!
Sisko: Ha! You don't really expect me to believe that, do you?

Jadzia: Why so glum, chum?
Sisko: It's six o'clock and I don't know where my child is.
Jadzia: Uh, we have a computer. You can find out from it.

Nog: "A is for Apple. J is for Jacks. --"
Jake: Good grief. Are you really this illiterate?
Nog: Hey! I'm not illiterate, I know exactly who my parents are.

Quark: Help! I'm trapped in an airlock!
Rom and Krax: Haha! We are the conspirators!
Zek: Yeah, like anyone here is surprised.
Krax: Zek? But you died! I saw you!
Zek: I know, that's what's so funny! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders!
Krax: Inconceivable!

Quark: So you were trying to kill me, eh?
Rom: Um, yes.
Quark: Some bodyguard you are. I guess I'll have to promote you to second-in-command of the bar.
Rom: Woohoo!
(Somewhere in the galaxy, the Enterprise blasts off at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END

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