Five-Minute "Our Man Bashir"
by The Great Meech

Garak: Black letters would go better with your tux.

Garak: Nice apartment. Day-glo decorations and it's 1964? Does the word "karma" mean anything to you? K-A-R-M-A?

Bashir: Garak, meet my assistant, Mona Lovesit.
Garak: I can see that...oh, that's her name!

Bashir: My character is a spy. He's wealthy, he's popular and he has everything.
Garak: Well, I was a spy too, and I have a lifetime of evil deeds and emotional scarring! Top that!

Sisko: Can our runabout come home?
Eddington: (over the comm) No. No runabout that leaves DS9 may come home intact.
Sisko: Destroy the ship, Mr. O'Brien!
O'Brien: Already half-done, sir!

Bashir: That hologram looks like Kira!
Garak: Very observant of you. Did it take long to figure that out?
KGB Kira: Hi.
Garak: I have a theory. I believe thare was a transporter accident and the bodies of Kira, Sisko, Worf, Dax and O'Brien have been stored as holodeck characters who thinks they really are those characters.
Bashir: That's ridiculous!
Eddington: (over the comm) Bashir, we have a problem. It's what Garak said.
Garak: Nyah.

KGB Kira: Our mission is to figure out who's causing a bunch of earthquakes.
Bashir: So?
KGB Kira: A scientist that looks like Dax has been kidnapped.
Bashir: Let's roll. Hey, someone's knocking at the door.
KGB Kira: Don't answer that! It could be an assassin!
Bashir: Nonsense.
Falcon (O'Brien): Hello, I'm an assassin.
Bashir: Nuts.

(Meaningless fight sequence)
Bashir: Garak, you're bleeding.
Garak: You're obviously a doctor.

KGB Kira: Our suspect is Dr. No. I mean Dr. Noah. He's kidnapped dozens of other scientists too.
Bashir: Why don't you just look for a group of scientists and see if someone evil was with them?
KGB Kira: Well, it is our usual method, but it didn't work this time for some reason.

Eddington: (Meaningless technobabble)
Rom: (Meaningless technobabble)
Odo: (Meaningless technobabble)
Quark: (Meaningless babble)
Eddington: What a brilliant plan we have here.

Bashir: Can I pretand to be a leading scientist to infiltrate your organization?
Noah's Assistant (Worf): Sure, as long as I can foolishly let you bribe me with my own money.
Bashir: Then we're set.
Assistant: Yeah. Mind if I use nerve gas on you?
Bashir: Nope. No, wait--GAAAAAAAA!

Garak: Oh, wonderful, we're in another house of ill-karma.
Noah (Sisko): Quiet, you. My name is Hippocrates Noah.
Bashir: Sounds like a spicy peanut dish...mmmmm...peanuts.
Noah: Silence! It is time to idiotically blab my plan to you. You see...(Meaningless scientific babble).
Bashir: 'Kay. I believe you now have to lock me in the basement.
Noah: Yep. Otherwise I'd be sued for malpractice.

Bashir: Hey! Scientist that looks like Dax! You're beautiful!
Garak: Do you two mind dispensing with the usual Bond 'witticisms'? We need to get out!
Dax Scientist: Sure, here you go.

Garak: Doctor! You shot me!
Bashir: I had to shoot something! Bond music was playing!
Garak: I see. All is forgiven.

Bashir: Hi, Dr. Noah. I give up.
Noah: Soooo...that's the reason you seduced a scientist, broke free and came up here?
Bashir: Yes. And to stall for time while Eddington beams you back.
Noah: Aw, but I got to act over the top!
Bashir: You haven't been doing that for the last four seasons?

Garak: We should do this again sometime.
Bashir: A sequel? Do you have any idea how many rantings would go on on the Internet?
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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