Five-Minute "Little Green Men"
by Marc Richard

Rom: Gosh, the crowd is really sinking its teeth into Nog's rummage sale!
Quark: I've got even better news -- Cousin Gaila's just brought me my new ship!
Rom: The one he owed you for so long?
Quark: Exactly. He tossed me the keys and said, "Here Quark -- it's payback time!"

Rom: Wow, this is a great ship!
Quark: It sure is. Look here -- it even has a Bridge dedication plaque!
Rom: (reading) "Quark's Treasure. Registry Number ROA-48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife."
Quark: A noble principle to live by.

Nog: You're offering to take me to Earth, Uncle Quark? For free? Why?
Quark: Out of the goodness of my heart and because I'm so proud that you've been admitted to Starfleet Academy.
Rom: (muttering to himself) What a load of....
Quark: Did I just hear the word "contraband" over there?
Rom: Something like that.

Bashir: Here's a guidebook to Earth -- the "junior edition."
Nog: Junior? You mean it doesn't list all the hot places where I can cruise for babes?
O'Brien: No, just the places that are mostly harmless.

Quark: Go faster, Rom; all that kemacite we're carrying is making me jittery.
Rom: I'm stepping on the brake as hard as I can, brother.
Quark: Why the brake?
Rom: Because on this ship it makes us accelerate even more than the gas pedal does.
Quark: And that doesn't strike you as odd?
Rom: Not as much as the wreath from Cousin Gaila that I found hanging on your cabin door.

Quark: AUGGGH! We're about to crash into Earth at Warp Nine!
Rom: I have an idea! If we vent plasma into the kemacite, the resulting inversion wave will drop us back into normal space!
Nog: Will we end up in normal time too?
Rom: Uh...I'm not sure. I'd have to think about that.
Quark: AAUUGGGGGGHH!
Rom: Gotcha. No thinking allowed.

General Denning: Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam!
Quark: Where are we? Who are these strange people?
Nog: Primitive twentieth-century humans, I think.
Professor Carlson: Yabba-dabba-doo?
Quark: Can you understand what they're saying?
Rom: Just before my translator stopped working, this one said something about us being from the planet Marsha.
Nog: There's no such planet!
Quark: I know. We're obviously dealing with morons here.

Rom: Klaatu barada nikto?
Carlson: I think he wants to borrow your hairpin, honey.
Nurse Garland: Okay -- here you are.
Rom: Gort berenga!
Garland: Eww...why is he sticking it in that little guy's ear?
Carlson: With lobes like that, maybe regular Q-tips just aren't enough to get the job done.

Rom: By law, the females on our planet all have to walk around naked.
Garland: You won't catch me going there. I'm a decent, morally upright woman!
Nog: Uh, miss...could you rub my ears a little faster?
Garland: Gladly.
Nog: Oooooooooo-WHEEEEEE!
Rom: (covering his eyes) Ugh -- how obscene....

Odo: Let's sneak over to the ship and find a way back to our own time so I can throw you in jail for smuggling.
Quark: I have a better idea -- let's stay here and take over the whole planet!
Rom: Do you really think that our first encounter with humans can be that profitable?
Quark: Absolutely! The General already promised to show me the secret vault where all his gold is hidden!

Captain Wainwright: Let's perform an alien autopsy on these invaders.
Garland: While they're still alive? That's barbaric!
Wainwright: Then leave the job to tough guys like General Denning and me!
Carlson: Tough, eh? Did you know that the general used to be a guitar-playing teenage hippie?
Wainwright: Pfft...that's a likely story.

Rom: Thanks for helping us escape!
Garland: Our pleasure. Maybe someday we'll learn to travel around the Galaxy like you do.
Quark: Trust me, you humans are much better off staying right here on Earth. G'bye!
Carlson: Wait! Can you at least tell us what your species is called?
Quark: Uh...Vulcans. Yeah, that's it.

Odo: How are you going to create a reverse time-warp?
Rom: By exposing the remaining kemacite to a highly toxic environmental contaminant.
Nog: Beta radiation from an atomic bomb blast?
Rom: Tobacco smoke.

Rom: It's good to be home again!
Quark: What's good about it? I had to sell my ship for scrap and now Odo's going to jail me on smuggling charges.
Odo: And just wait to see what kind of punitive prison diet I'm putting you on.
Quark: Bread and water?
Odo: Pizza and root beer.
Quark: NOOOOOOO!
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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