Five-Minute "For the Uniform"
by Derek Dean

Sisko: Who's there? Who are you?
Voice: Who am I? Can I conceal myself forevermore? Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
Sisko: Are you just going to keep on asking questions?
Eddington: Who am I? I'm Eddington!
Sisko: Crap.

Eddington: Look down and see the beggars at your feet.
Sisko: Actually, they're on the other side of this glass.
Eddington: Whatever. I'm leaving, don't follow me.

Sisko: Can you follow Eddington, Sanders?
Sanders: (over the holo-comm) Sure can. By the way, aren't these new holo-communicators cool?
Sisko: Yeah, I'm sure we'll see people using these things all the time now.

Kira: Eddington's ship is making a run right for us.
Sisko: Mr. Worf, fire.
Worf: The Maquis ship is undamaged.
Sisko: It couldn't have adapted that quickly....
Kira: It didn't. All of the ship's computers crashed.
Sisko: Ah, I was wondering when space had suddenly become blue.

Sisko: So how long is it going to take to reinstall all the software on the Defiant?
O'Brien: Well, if someone named Sisko hadn't asked me to use the space reserved for the Defiant's backups to store holo-baseball games, one day more. As it is, two weeks.
Sisko: Grrr. Jake and I are going to have a little talk.

Sanders: I've got some bad news. Starfleet is promoting me to Colonel and charging me with bringing in Eddington.
Sisko: I didn't think Colonel was a valid rank in Starfleet.
Sanders: What about Colonel West?
Sisko: What does Odo have to do with anything?

Kira: Eddington just poisoned a planet.
Sisko: What!
Kira: Eddington just --
Sisko: I heard you the first time! Let's take the Defiant out to stop him.

O'Brien: Maybe you missed that "two weeks" estimate, but the Defiant's kinda broken.
Sisko: So what does work?
O'Brien: Nog, but he's not technically part of the ship.
Sisko: A couple of well-placed staples and we can fix that problem.

Sisko: Go to warp 6.
Nog: Engine room, go to warp 6.
Kira: Maquis raider ahead. Slow to impulse.
Nog: Engine room, slow to impulse.
Eddington: (over the holo-comm) Why are you still trying to catch me?
Nog: Engine room, why are you still trying to catch -- er, whoops.

Eddington: (over the holo-comm) Here, I've got a gift for you. It's Les Mis.
Sisko: You mean, Les Miserables, the Victor Hugo novel?
Eddington: No, the musical. The only miserables in the novel are the ones reading it.

Sanders: (over the holo-comm) We were attacked by Eddington. We're stuck here.
Sisko: Stuck here? You should still be out there looking for Eddington!
Sanders: Perhaps you misunderstand. Our ship is crippled. We're dead in space.
Sisko: What's the matter, Colonel Sanders -- chicken?

Sisko: Did you get a chance to analyze the message Sanders intercepted from Eddington?
Odo: (over the holo-comm) Yeah, just a simple Breen nursery rhyme, "Rock-a-bye baby in the frozen tree top."
Sisko: So how does that help us?
Odo: It ends "When the brittle bough snaps, the cradle will slide, and the Maquis will rendezvous at Portas Five."

Kira: We're too late. This planet's also been poisoned. I've -- Hey, look! There's Eddington!
Eddington: (over the holo-comm) I'm giving you a choice. Either you can catch me or you can save all the Cardassians from crashing.
Sisko: Since I'm the hero, I should be able to do both just to spite you.
Eddington: Did you miss our Les Mis scene? I'm the hero.
Sisko: Crap.

Sisko: Eddington thinks of himself as the hero. Now what does every hero want to do?
Dax: Get the girl.
Sisko: Besides that.
Dax: Make witty comments?
Sisko: Surrender, Dax! The hero wants to surrender! Have you learned nothing from Picard?

Sisko: Mr. Worf, attach trilithium to our torpedoes and patch me through on Maquis frequencies.
Worf: Are we blowing up a sun, sir?
Sisko: No, that would just be heartless. (ahem) Attention all Maquis, we are going to poison all your planets.

Eddington: (over the holo-comm) You're not really going to poison the planet, are you?
Sisko: Well, I won't if you surrender.
Eddington: All right. I'll surrender.
Sisko: YES! And now that I have you back in my custody, let me just say you're fired!
Worf: Firing torpedoes. Wait, did you just say --? Oops.

Station's Log: Do you hear the people sing? Singing that I've caught Eddington?

Dax: Aren't you afraid Starfleet's going to bust you back to Cadet for poisoning the planet?
Sisko: Nah, I've got a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
(The station spins at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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