Five-Minute "Accession"
by Andy Taylor

Bashir: My God -- you're a pig! Your quarters are a mess! And Keiko's only been gone for ten minutes!
O'Brien: Erm, Julian, she's been gone for much longer than that.
Bashir: Oh, I never noticed. Guess we were too busy being juvenile.
O'Brien: But yesterday we played First World War -- that's only for grownups!
Bashir: (sigh) We were in the holosuites... you're so stupid.
O'Brien: Am not!
Bashir: Are too!
O'Brien: Am too!
Bashir: Are not! Oops.

Keiko: Hi, honey, I'm home!
Molly: I have a new brother!
O'Brien: Geez! Keiko, I thought we talked about buying the brat new toys!
Keiko: I'm pregnant, you doofus. It must have happened that one night we were together in between me living elsewhere. Ahem.
O'Brien: Woohoo!
Keiko: I'm happy you're so juvenile -- any real man would be heading over to the divorce courts about now.
O'Brien: Huh?
Keiko: Never mind -- it's not like I'm going to give birth, anyway.

Kira: Would you bless this new couple, Captain Emissary, sir?
Sisko: Sure, why not?
Newlywed #1: Man, cheap wedding. We get one line each.
Newlywed #2: And whose idea was it to come to the Emissary? All I wanted was a drive-through....
Sisko: Hey! One line! (clears throat) Iway eclareday ouyay arriedmay. Amen.
Vedek Porta: Ahem -- I believe you're confusing Bajoran with Pig Latin again, Emissary.
Sisko: My bad.

Sisko: Ooh, a lightship! Oh wait, it's probably mine -- I didn't bring it in when I finished with it....
Kira: It's over three hundred years old.
Sisko: I knew that. Hail them.
Jadzia: I'm picking up an odd transmission...
Destiny's Child: I'm a survivor! I'm not gonna give up! I'm not gonna stop! I'm gonna work harder!
Sisko: Good God! Target torpedoes -- destroy that ship!
Jadzia: Shall we beam over the survivor first sir?
Sisko: Only if he provides some sort of useful revelation.

Kira: So who are you?
Akorem: Akorem Laan: Emissary. Here to serve the Bajoran public and give religious lectures 24/7.
Sisko: You just earned yourself a guest credit, mister!

Akorem: A big hole ate me and then the prophets looked like people I know and confused me with mumbo-jumbo.
Sisko: Yeah, they're a pain in the butt like that.
Kira: How can you be so sacrilegious?
Sisko: Well, I'm not Bajoran, let alone the Emissary; why should I --
Kira: Shh! I'm sucking up to the poet, all right?

Sisko: The prophecies practically say that I'm not the Emissary.
Jadzia: But you don't believe in the prophecies!
Sisko: Hey, I'm allowed to like the good ones! Besides, with the lesser of all the evils out of the way, it lets me concentrate on getting Bajor in the Federation, and fighting the Dominion, the Klingons, the Maquis, global depression, famine, communism, and Star Trek: Voyager in the ratings each week.
Jadzia: Riiiight.

Bashir: Cool, you're getting a new kid.
O'Brien: Yeah. (sigh)
Bashir: Why so glum, chum?
O'Brien: I'll have to be a husband and a daddy twice over -- we'll have no time for playing. (sniff)
Bashir: Don't worry, Keiko being pregnant is much more important than --
Worf: YOU KEEP THAT PREGNANT WOMAN AWAY FROM ME!
(Worf jumps out of the nearest window.)

Odo: So you think Akorem is the Emissary?
Kira: Yep.
Odo: So Sisko never was the Emissary?
Kira: Nope.
Odo: So you're ready to just change your religious icons at the drop of a hat?
Kira: Kinda.
Akorem: We should all follow a career specified by our family name!
Kira: Oh heck.
Odo: Ha ha! So is that bad then?
Kira: Well, yeah -- Kira means popcorn-seller.

Sisko: You realise that Bajor's petition to join the Federation will be rejected because of the discrimination you've started?
Akorem: What's your point?
Sisko: That's two problems dealt with in the same day! Way cool! Well, perhaps, at least.

Kira: I don't like this d'jarra rubbish. Normally I demand for someone to give me a seat in this bar. Now they just give me one like I earned it, and it's disturbing, dammit!
Sisko: Why don't you tell your precious Emissary?
Kira: Yeah, like I'm gonna give up my power. (snigger)

Kai Opaka: Who are you?
Sisko: Wow. Am I even meant to remember you?
Kai Opaka: Ignore me! Who are you?
Sisko: Hmm -- ambiguous dream sequence in motion. I'm thinking something non-normal?
Kai Opaka: (sigh) I can see this taking a while.

Bashir: Yep, you just had an orb shadow. The Prophets are trying to tell you something.
Sisko: Ooh, I wonder what that can be?

Kira: I'm highly annoyed -- I think I'm putting too much butter into the popcorn machine! I want my scary military life back!
Vedek Porta: Just let go of your old life and relax...you shall be one with the d'jarra cult....
Kira: Er....

Keiko: Miles, are you teaching Molly to play darts?
O'Brien: Yep. I'm spending some quality time with my family -- I'm gonna raise Molly to be just like me.
Keiko: What -- a fat, raving alcoholic?
O'Brien: You promised the marriage counsellor you wouldn't say that again!

Sisko: Starfleet says I've failed in my mission to get Bajor to join the Federation.
Kira: Well, I suppose you did....
Sisko: You're not helping.
Kira: Oh yeah, I want to resign to follow my d'jarra.
Sisko: Rats.

O'Brien: I have about eight and a half minutes to have a pint and chat --
Bashir: Hi Chief! Long time no see!
O'Brien: Go, go, go, now, now, now!
Bashir: Chill out! Come in the holosuites!
O'Brien: Sorry, too late, gotta go, bye now!

Sisko: You killed a man just because of his d'jarra?
Vedek Porta: I suppose it doesn't matter that my d'jarra says I'm a professional assassin?
Sisko: RIGHT -- time-out!
Kira: Popcorn?

Sisko: Right, mister. I don't like you and you don't like me --
Akorem: Ooh, do we fight violently for the role of Emissary now?
Sisko: No! We'll just ask the Prophets.
Akorem: Awww. Cop-out!

Kira Prophet: Heads up.
Sisko: Hi.
Akorem: So am I the Emissary?
Vedek Porta Prophet: Nope. Go home.
Sisko: Ha! Sisko 1, Akorem 0.
(POOF!)

Odo Prophet: And with that gyp over with, this tale is concluded...or is it?
Kai Opaka Prophet: We are of Bajor. You are of Bajor.
Sisko: No, I am of Earth.
Kai Opaka Prophet: Why do you never listen to me in these visions?
Sisko: Umm, 'cause you're dead?
Kai Opaka Prophet: Oh. Would it help if one of us were your mommy? Hey! I resent your continued laughter!

Keiko: Go out with Julian, cheer yourselves up!
O'Brien: Okay, but only because you want me to!
Keiko: Woohoo! Keiko 1, O'Brien 0!
O'Brien: But we were never fighting...and why would you call me O'Brien?
Keiko: Oh, honestly....

Kira: Good to be back as Emissary, Emissary?
Sisko: You bet -- everything got tied up nicely and I got an ego boost along the way.
Bajoran Man: Would you bless my daughter? It's her birthday.
Sisko: I'd love to. (clears throat) Appyhay ourteenthfay irthdaybay. Amen.
Kira: Sigh.
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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