Five-Minute "Remembrance of the Daleks"
by thattomguy

Ace: Oy, Professor! That funny little girl is staring at me!
Doctor: Probably because your clothing's totally wrong for this time period. Like those extras wearing jeans.
Ace: What about you?
Doctor: I changed my jumper! Actually, I just wish I'd changed my jumper.
Ace: Ugh, me too. Can we please invest in some laundry soap while we're here?

Ace: I just met you in a café, and apparently I forgot to eat my food.
Mike: Yes, you are quite odd, with the stereo and explosive deodorant cans. By the way, are you from somewhere else?
Ace: No, I'm from Perivale.
Mike: Perivale? Oh.
Ace: Oh?
Mike: Yes, oh.
Ace: What's that supposed to mean?
Mike: Well... you see...
Rachel: Sergeant!
Mike: Oh well, maybe later!
Ace: Wait up, you (insert overused Ace mannerism)!

Doctor: Oy, Dalek! What's the matter, don't you recognize your mortal enemy?
Dalek: OF COURSE NOT, YOU HAVE REGENERATED!
Doctor: But you recognized me in The Power of the Daleks!
Dalek: CONTINUITY ERROR! CONTINUITY ERROR! CONTIN-- GAK!
Doctor: I should try that with the Cybermen sometime.

Doctor: Okay...let's explore this dark, dank basement.
Ace: Isn't that a little dangerous?
Doctor: Yes it is. Of course, nothing bad ever happens in dark basements.
Ace: Except for when monsters and stuff are in them.
Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
Ace: Like so.

Ace: C'mon Doctor! Can't you climb a set of stairs?
Doctor: Apparently not, but don't worry, neither can the Dalek!
Dalek: OH, BUT I CAN!
Doctor: I didn't know you could float up stairs!
Dalek: YOU NEED TO REWATCH SEASON 2'S THE CHASE!
Doctor: But you weren't floating up stairs in that!
Dalek: IT WAS IMPLIED! IT WAS IMPLIED!

Ratcliffe: So, mysterious Rogue Dalek controller, what should we do?
Rogue Dalek Controller: We shall sit here and connive evil plans while you blather on about being a Nazi.
Ratcliffe: Britain was on the wrong side in the last war, and this time I want to be on the --
Rogue Dalek Controller: You're just a sore loser!
Ratcliffe: Am not!
Rogue Dalek Controller: Are too! Neener, neener, neener!
Ratcliffe: You sound like a child.
Rogue Dalek Controller: Yes... About that...

Doctor: Excuse me while I sneak up on you and that odd electrified casket.
Mortician: Eek! A burglar!
Doctor: Enough of that. I'm the Doctor.
Mortician: Oh... And that's your casket... I see... Excuse me while I go make a phone call, just to make an obscure continuity reference, because it's the anniversary season and --
Doctor: You go do that.

Ace: Hey, look at this sign that says "no coloureds." I wonder why this is here?
Mike's Mum: Well it's 1963 dear, and we have to make some inconspicuous references to racism.
Ace: So that's why there are black and white Daleks!
Mike's Mum: No, that's just because they're the cheapest paint colors.
Ace: Darn that BBC budget!

Rachel: What are you building?
Doctor: A machine that disorients the Daleks.
Rachel: That's all?
Doctor: Well, it also makes them talk in foreign languages.
Rachel: Oy vey.

Ace: Hello? Anyone at home? Ah, there's my tape-deck. It would have been funny if some Daleks had blown it up!
Dalek: INSERT FALSE COMEDIC RELIEF! (blows up tape-deck)
Ace: I was just kidding! How'd you like it if I beat you up? (beats off eyestalk)
Dalek: MY VISION IS IMPAIRED, I NEED CONTACT LENSES!

Doctor: Ace! Look out! (activates machine)
Dalek 1: NECESITO PANTALONES!
Dalek 2: YO QUIERO TACO BELL!
Dalek 3: OY, THIS IS SOME MEGA-NAFF STUFF!
Ace: Hey!
Mike: I'll blow them up!
Dalek 1: GAK!
Dalek 2: GAK!
Dalek 3: TOERAG! GAK!

Doctor: Ace, what did I tell you about taking on a major Dalek task force?
Ace: Aim for the eyepiece?
Doctor: No! When I tell you to stay put, stay put.
Ace: But that's boring.
Doctor: Where did you say you came from again?
Ace: Perivale.
Doctor: Oh.
Ace: Oh?

Rogue Dalek Controller: Hey Ratcliffe, guess --
The Girl: -- what?
Ratcliffe: Oh my lord!
The Girl: So you're fine if you think i'm a sadistic alien, but freaked out that I'm a little girl? You need serious help.

Doctor: Group Captain, I'm sure that the imperial Daleks won't land here.
Gilmore: But aren't those burn marks outside from what you said was a shuttle craft?
Doctor: Well... I may have miscalculated.
Gilmore: I'll say.
Doctor: Hey, I'm just getting used to this Time's Champion stuff!

Ace: Mike, how could you betray The Doctor and me?
Mike: Easy, they had guns and I didn't.
Ace: But what about all the stuff about going to see the pictures and stuff?
Mike: You realize that I'm only here to fill the weekly pseudo-boyfriend tease quota, right?
Ace: Oh yeah, forgot about that stuff.

Imperial Daleks: WE WILL CAPTURE THE HAND OF OMEGA!
Rogue Daleks: OPEN FIRE!
Imperial Daleks: GAK!
Rogue Daleks: YOU WILL BE --
Special Weapons Dalek: EXTERMINATED! BUH-DOOM!
Rogue Daleks: GAK!

Ratcliffe: Quick, grab that electric sphere!
The Girl: Oh no you don't! ZAP!
Ratcliffe: GAK!
Mike: When did you start shooting lightning from your hands?
The Girl: When the script writers realized we needed a way to kill you off later.
Mike: Oh that makes sense... Hey, wait a second!

Doctor: Hello Dalek mother ship, I'm the Doctor and --
Emperor Dalek: Ah, Doctor, it is I --
Davros: -- Davros!
Doctor: Why do we keep meeting like this?
Davros: Because otherwise we'd have some Dalek screaming at you!
Doctor: But you talk and scream like them too!
Davros: I am not a Dalek!
Doctor: But what about the virus that was attacking you in Resurrection of the Daleks?
Davros: Eric Saward happened.

Ace: You idiot, the first place you decide to hide out is your mum's house?
Mike: Well, I felt that no one would look here --
Mike's Mum: Mike, is that you? I have some errands I'd like you to run!
Mike: I can't right now mum, I'm holding someone hostage --
Mike's Mum: Well when you're done with that, I'd like to you to take the dog for a walk --
Mike: Yes mum...

Dalek: THE HAND OF OMEGA HAS DESTROYED SKARO, IT IS NOW RETURNING TO OUR SHIP!
Dalek 2: WE MUST BEGIN SCREAMING INSANE AMOUNTS OF TECHNOBABBLE!

Davros: Doctor, you have tricked me!
Doctor: No Davros, you tricked yourself.
Davros: Please Doctor, I'll do anything, just don't let it kill me!
Doctor: Will you admit that you're a mediocre scientist and that I've always been better than you?
Davros: No, never!
Doctor: Oh well.
Dalek Mothership: KABOOM!

Ace: Well Doctor, we did good, right?
Doctor: Well, considering I blew up a planet, killed several Daleks, tricked them into killing themselves... er...
(The Doctor and Ace contemplate morals at ludicrous speed)

THE END

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