Five-Minute "Castrovalva"
by SCMoll

Adric: The Watcher was the Doctor all along!
Tegan: What's he talking about?
Nyssa: I've no idea how he figured out that the glowy white guy was the Doctor just because he walked into him.
Adric: No really, I read the novelization of "Logopolis"! It explained everything.
Tegan: Geek.
The Doctor: Could someone help me? I have just saved the universe from total destruction and then died, and all you three can do is bicker.
Tegan: Don't worry. I'm sure we three won't be up to it by the time "Earthshock" is over.

Head of Security: Halt, you four!
Adric: You look different than in "Logopolis." Are you a shapeshifter?
Head of Security: No, I'm a disposable character that no one other than a geek would notice had been recast since Season 18.
Adric: Hey!
Tegan: The guards are distracted. Now's our chance to escape with the Doctor.
Nyssa: But what about Adric?
Tegan: The way I see it we have two choices: we can leave him behind, or we can let him catch up. I really don't see what there is to debate.

The Master's TARDIS: ZAP!
Guards: GAK!
Adric: I've escaped from the guards! Let me in!
Tegan: Oh, I seem to have forgotten which one is the door control. Whoops.
Nyssa: Let him in!
Tegan: Fine.

The Doctor: Wait, I'm still in this, right?
Tegan: Erm, I suppose so.
The Doctor: Because I seem to be spending this whole episode unconscious. Oh, well. I'm sure nothing can go wrong.
Nyssa: Shouldn't we tell him Adric's missing?
Tegan: Um, later. Much later. Like next episode or next season or something.

Nyssa: I can't figure out the TARDIS controls. They seem to follow no rational pattern.
Tegan: It's a pattern all right; it's just not rational. It's called Windows 98.
Nyssa: Well, apparently if I press IF, I get a help file.
Tegan: Actually, that's F1. My father always said F1 was the most powerful word in the Australian language.
Nyssa: According to this, Adric has programmed the TARDIS to fly back to the beginning of time!
Tegan: That green-blooded son of a blatch. It's his revenge for all those arguments he lost. We're going to fall into the Big Bang!
Nyssa: Ooh, I want one of those.

The Master: HA HA HA!

Nyssa: Well, that was random.
Tegan: We need to get the Doctor back in the episode! Only he can save us!
The Doctor: Sorry, I've having too much fun on my new wheelchair. WHEEEE!
Tegan: Doctor! We need your help! Windows has locked up and won't respond!
The Doctor: Windows... I seem to recall something... CTRL-ALT-DELETE?
Tegan: Delete! Let's try that!
TARDIS: ZAP!
Nyssa: You deleted a fourth of the TARDIS!
Tegan: Yes, but it seems to have saved us somehow.
The Doctor: Um... enormous thrust.
Nyssa: My favorite kind.

The Master: No, they got away!
Adric: Oh, no, don't hurt me for it... Master.
The Master: Adric, you seem to be having a little too much fun here. But never mind that. I have another plan to gain vengeance on the Doctor... it will be a deadly vengeance... it will be a deadly vengeance of deadly... REVENGE!
Adric: Don't you think ripping off "The Curse of the Fatal Death" to make this fiver the least bit funny is little lame?
The Author: Geek.

Nyssa: Where are we going now?
Tegan: I've programmed the TARDIS to take us to Castrovalva.
Nyssa: Why there?
Tegan: The computer recommended it to me.
Nyssa: You mean the computer that was reprogrammed by the Master via Adric to kill us all?
Tegan: Yes, the same one. Why?
Nyssa: Just checking.

The Doctor: The Zero Room's gone!
Nyssa: I don't think it was ever in this fiver, Doctor.
The Doctor: Well, then, you must build me a Zero Cabinet. Use my sonic screwdriver.
(Sonic screwdriver vibrates.)
Nyssa: It has three settings!
(THUD!)
Tegan: We've landed!
Nyssa: Upside down!
The Doctor: That's what happens when you put an Australian at the controls.

Nyssa: What's all that crap you're taking with us? I thought we were just taking the Doctor and his Zero Cabinet to Castrovalva.
Tegan: Adric's stuff. I'm hoping to dump it in a river.
Nyssa: That's horrible!
Tegan: I know. This has got to be the ugliest pair of pajamas ever.
Nyssa: Those are his clothes!

Tegan: We've reached Castrovalva.
Nyssa: That was a lot quicker than in the episode.
Tegan: Thank heavens for small favors.
Nyssa: The Doctor's missing!
Tegan: Now he'll never notice Adric's gone!

Shardovan: Welcome to Castrovalva, the city of silly hats!
The Doctor: I know you!
Shardovan: No you don't... I'm a completely different bearded man wearing all black than the one you normally battle. Uh... look over there!
The Portreeve: Hello. I am the Master of the hats.
The Doctor: I'm sorry. Have we met before?

Shardovan: Welcome to Castrovalva, the city of silly hats!
Nyssa: I know you!
Shardovan: No you don't... I'm a completely different bearded man wearing all black than the one you normally battle. Uh... look over there!
The Portreeve: Hello. I am the Master of the hats.
Tegan: I'm sorry. Have we met before?

Adric: Tegan! The Master's here!
Tegan: He wants us all dead.
Adric: He doesn't want you at all. He's after somebody called the Doctor.
Tegan: The Doctor?
Adric: The Master has set a trap for him.
Tegan: And we're the bait.
Adric: You musn't tell the Doctor I was here.
Tegan: Oh, there's no need to worry about that.

The Doctor: Adric! I've just remembered Adric!
Tegan: Who's that, then?
The Doctor: My other companion.
Tegan: I've never heard of him.
The Doctor: Oh, never mind, then.
Tegan: We must leave immediately!
Nyssa: But then we'll never find Adric.
Tegan: Too bad. I mean- find who?
The Doctor: Let's go!

The Doctor: Adric! I've just remembered Adric!
Tegan: Who's that, then?
The Doctor: My other companion.
Tegan: I've never heard of him.
The Doctor: Oh, never mind, then.
Tegan: We must leave immediately!
Nyssa: But then we'll never find Adric.
Tegan: Too bad. I mean- find who?
The Doctor: We seem to be caught in some sort of space loop.
Nyssa: This looks more like a time loop to me. I've getting d�j� vu.
The Doctor: Have you ever tried to represent a space loop textually? Anyway, the Master must have caused a glitch in the Matrix.
Tegan: No, that was in "The Deadly Assassin."

Nyssa: We must go see the Portreeve.
The Doctor: Yes, he does rather seem to be the Master of this town.
Adric: Doctor! Doctor! It's a trap!
The Doctor: Did you hear something?
Tegan: Just those stormtroopers dragging away that boy over there.

The Portreeve: Look at my cool tapestry, Doctor.
The Doctor: Bayeux.
The Portreeve: Gesundheit. I am also the Master of tissues; take one.
The Doctor: I can't imagine who might be behind this.
The Portreeve: You fool, Doctor, allow me to take off my hat...
The Doctor: The Master! But why were you wearing such a silly disguise?
The Master: Well, I considered disguising myself as an Arab, a Frenchman, or a scarecrow, but decided that didn't make much sense.
The Doctor: Quite.

Shardovan: You may have made us, man of evil, but buy one get one free!
(BOOM!)
The Master: MY WEB!
The Doctor: Castrovalva is folding in on itself. We must get out of here!
The Master: I'll get you for this!
Nyssa: Why do they call you the Master?
The Master: Wouldn't you like to find out...

The Doctor: We've escaped.
Nyssa: But where's Adric?
The Doctor: Who?
Tegan: Nobody. Um... why are you wearing celery on your lapel, Doctor?
The Doctor: Well, Tegan, I can't explain now; you'll have to wait until my final episode.
Tegan: I won't be here by then!
The Doctor: Don't worry, Tegan, I'm sure you'll be with me for a long time. After all, we get along so beautifully.
(The TARDIS dematerializes at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Previous fiver: Logopolis
Next fiver: Earthshock

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