Five-Minute "The Butcher's Knife Cares Not For the Lamb's Cry"
by Zeke

Tilly: Hey, package for you from a... Captain Georgiou? Oh, geez.
Burnham: That's a surprise. If she could leave me something, I guess I didn't cause her death directly enough to trigger the slayer rule.
Tilly: What does "In every generation there is a chosen one" have to do with this?

Burnham: Hi, Sa--
Saru: HISSSSSSSS!
Burnham: I take it you're not pleasantly surprised that I'm still here.
Saru: I can think of things I've liked better, yes.

Discovery: *fails horribly against Klingon ships*
Lorca: Okay, I've seen enough. End the simulation.
Landry: WAH! No fair!
Lorca: *stares*
Landry: I thought it might be fun to try having a personality.
Lorca: Stop.

Tardigrade: GRAAR
Burnham: Gah! Why do you still have this thing?
Lorca: Hey, everybody else was done with it. Welcome to my secret project of weaponizing the deadliest things I can find for the war effort.
Burnham: And you want my help with this? Frankly, your project seems incredibly reckless, dangerous, even cra-- oh.
Lorca: Yeah, I looked up what exactly you were a specialist in.

And now, let's check in on those Klingons from the battle in the pilot episode. Who are, uh, still there.
Voq: So... hungry...
L'Rell: You know who tasted great? The humans' cap--
And now let's STOP checking in on them. In fact, is it too late to drop this whole plotline?

Landry: Apparently I have to work with you on the... uh, the... you know, how 'bout we give it a less not-actually-offensive-but-kinda-feels-offensive name?
Burnham: Agreed. The other name for the Earth microbe is "water bear"... maybe Rupert?
Landry: Ripper! Perfect. Just look at those deadly claws!
Burnham: That kind of adaptation could just be for cutting plants. You know, like the Hork-Bajir in Animorphs?
Landry: (nod) I see what you're getting at, Burnham. We need to develop some Yeerks.

Cornwell: (over the holo-comm) We've got trouble. The Klingons are six hours away from attacking Corvan 2.
Lorca: Uh oh. Don't they make half our dilithium?
Cornwell: Our dilithium, our antimatter, our transparent aluminum... it's not good planning, I agree. But we still can't let the Klingons take it. The only chance is your marshmallow drive!
Lorca: I think it's a mushroom drive.
Cornwell: Well, we'll hope the colonists aren't picky eaters.

Stamets: It's impossible! We've only made very small jumps before! You're asking for, like, the biggest one ever!
Lorca: You can do it, Lieutenant. I have faith in you, and also in something else...
Stamets: The heart?
Lorca: No, negative reinforcement. Now get this done in 33 minutes or I break out the whips.

Voq: Welcome aboard. You didn't happen to bring an entire shipyard, did you?
Kol: Brother, you must get this ship back in the fight! It has a cloaking device so effective it frankly has no business existing at this point!
Voq: But we can't! We have no fue-- wait, I might have an idea. What did you say your name was again?

Lorca: Okay, Stamets says we're ready. Jump!
(VOOP)
Saru: Um... isn't that Saturn?
Lorca: Wonderful! Not only are we in the wrong place, this flyby is going to use up our budget for a month!

Burnham: That's funny. Ripper showed a bunch of brain activity when we jumped.
Landry: Oh yeah? Then judging by that last message from the captain, it's Ripper 1, Stamets 0.

Stamets: The problem was memory overflow, sir. I told you our garbage collector was out of da-- OW!
Lorca: Dammit, don't you get how important this is? Corvan 2 has two of the four elemental orbs! John Connor lives there! Engineer harder!
Culber: Captain, I don't allow violence in here. Or... is that a wet Willie? That either.
Stamets: You can't make me do the impossible just by being mean!
Lorca: Hmm. Am I being too mean... or am I not being mean enough?

Victim: (over the intercom) Save us! SAVE US! The Klingons just blew up our wildlife refuge! There are burning ducks everywhere!
Stamets: He's gotta be faking this. Wasn't the whole point that the Klingons weren't through their shields yet?
Victim: If only an engineer somewhere out there could hear me and work harder! This is a real distress call!
Saru: Sir, what are you doing?
Victim: Shh! Uh, you didn't hear that! Gotta run now!

Landry: Okay, this is taking way too long. I'm just gonna sedate him and lop off a claw.
Burnham: That's a really bad idea. We have no --
Landry: -- reason to hurt him, right? God, you're like some kindergarten teacher! Well, I'm not just a pedagogue, and I'm gonna --
Ripper: (IMPALE)
Burnham: That sentence was actually going to end with "sedative left", if you're wondering.

L'Rell: At last! This machine from the humans' ship will get us moving again. I'm glad it only took me one sentence to talk you into that after six months of refusing.
Voq: It's just not right. We should only be using Klingon methods of propulsion! Which is why --
L'Rell: For the last time, shoveling Kol into our warp core would not have worked.
Voq: Then why is he called that?!

Burnham: Sorry, sir. It seems Ripper felt it was time to take out the Landry.
Lorca: ...That was awful.
Burnham: She was awful.
Lorca: Fair.

Voq: We're back with the -- uh, why are you all wearing hats with Kol's face on them?
Kol: Because I got a great discount buying them in bulk. Your crew are mine now! And since you've brought me that device, I'll take your ship too!
L'Rell: This is an outrage! And I like outrages. Let's dump this loser and go.
Voq: Wait. Kol, you have no problem doing any of this? Using human technology, betraying T'Kuvma's torchbearer, none of that?
Kol: Nope.
Voq: Then WHY DID IT TAKE YOU SIX MONTHS?!

Burnham: Aha! I knew Ripper wasn't hostile. Your threat ganglia aren't reacting to him.
Saru: That's not the reason. They're just, uh... sprained today.
Burnham: Hey, is that a spider on your arm?
Saru With Ganglia Extended: This proves nothing.

Burnham: I've figured out why Ripper was on the Glenn! He ate a bunch of spores I got Tilly to steal for me. He must have been that navigation system they had!
Stamets: Well, that explains why Straal wouldn't tell me his solution in advance. He knew I'd call it a pile of crap.
Burnham: So you'll try it?
Stamets: No, it's a pile of crap.

T'Kuvma's Ship: *warps away*
Voq: I will admit, Lord T'Kuvma, that I have hit some snags as your successor. But this will all just make the comeback more impressive.
L'Rell: (appearing) You are more right than you know! I snuck away with a raider and I have an amazing plan we can execute together!
Voq: What's the catch?
L'Rell: It makes absolutely no sense, it's a continuity nightmare --
Voq: That's just a Tuesday around here.
L'Rell: -- and it'll hurt like you wouldn't believe. But on the plus side --
Voq: I am Klingon! That IS the plus side! LET'S DO THIS!

Ripper: *frolics among the mushrooms*
Stamets: So he likes fungi. I do too. That doesn't mean I can run the spore drive.
Ripper: *gestures for a pen*
Stamets: Uh... here you go...
Ripper: *starts writing down complex navigational equations*
Stamets: Okay, Burnham, this point goes to you. But your other idea, where we use Ripper's cells to make trees that can grow in space? I won't do that.
Burnham: Orville you?

Civilian 1: They're about to break through! Get ready! We defend the Holy Grail with our lives!
Discovery: VOOP
Civilian 2: We're saved! A Starfleet ship just... vooped out of nowhere!
Civilian 1: Whew! I didn't want to die for this thing. Like, who says it's even the real one?
Civilian 3: Hey, did watching that ship give anyone else a great idea for a new kind of bomb, or just me?

Saru: Oh no. Sir, I just realized something! We didn't just have to get here, we have to win the fight too!
Lorca: I have an idea for that, Mr. Saru. Watch.
(One battle later)
Lorca: Did you like my idea? I call it "having a magic teleporting ship."
Saru: Yes, fair enough.

Ripper: WAAAAIIIILLLLL
Burnham: That hurt you, didn't it? Sorry. We'll try not to do it too often.
Ripper: *stares meaningfully at Landry's blood on the floor*
Burnham: Uh, in fact, we'll find a way to replace you! Yeah. We'll replace you soon.
Ripper: *nods*
Burnham: If anyone asks, I'm looking into this out of sympathy, not terror.

Tilly: You're so amazing! I think someone as amazing as you should open that package from Captain Georgiou. Because you deserve it, and not just because it's taking up my entire bunk.
Burnham: I'll let it go this time, but next time you want something from me, I expect two more "amazing"s. Hmm... looks like there's a recording...
Georgiou: Dear Michael, I'm leaving you my most precious possession, this telescope from the pilot.
Burnham: Wow, I'm surprised this got off the Shenzhou. We left in such a hurry we forgot to set the auto-destruct. Or even bring the dilithium processing unit.
Georgiou: Whenever you look at this telescope, I hope it will remind you of something very important...
Burnham: Foresight? Vision?
Georgiou: The fact that it was mine and then you got me killed.
Burnham: ...
Georgiou: Yes, I took a minute to edit this recording after the mutiny.
Burnham: Dammit.
(Discovery voops off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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