Five-Minute "I Will Remember You"
by Dachelle

Exposition!Cordelia: Previously, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel went to Sunnydale and skulked around behind Buffy's back to help save her from the spirit of an uber-angry Indian guy. I bet she's mad about that.
Doyle: Why would she be mad that he saved her life?
Cordelia: Oh, Doyle, you have so much to learn about women.
Doyle: And so little time to learn it.

Cordelia: OMGWTFBBQ! Angel's about to stake himself! With a pencil! We have to stop him!
Angel: I'm not going to stake myself. I'm just straightening my desk. Obsessively. I'm certainly not frustrated for any reason. I'm just straightening. Really. Stop looking at me like that.
Cordelia: Oh, I thought you might be upset that you and Buffy will never get to be together again. Never. Never ever ever. No matter how much you both might be longing for it, yearning even, loins straining with desi--
Angel: Well, I used to be upset about it, but I've had to learn to deal. Buffy's human, and I'm not, and that's never going to change.
(DUM DUM DUM!)

Cordelia: Hey, it's Buffy! She's here! In L.A.! How unexpected! What are you doing here, Buffy?
Buffy: I came to see my father, which is odd considering he's a horrible deadbeat who abandoned me and won't even show up for my mother's funeral next season. Anyways, I thought while I was in town I'd stop by and berate Angel.
Cordelia: Sounds great! Doyle and I will just be leaving now.
Angel: So, you're....
Buffy: Irrationally pissed off that you came to Sunnydale and saved my life? Pretty much.

Buffy: Let's just stick to the plan. We don't see each other, and after lots and lots of time, you'll....
Angel: Finally get a better hairstyle?
Buffy: No, I'll....
Angel: Finally be done baking your cookies?
Buffy: No, we'll....
Angel: Forget?
(DUM DUM DUM!)
Buffy: What's that?
Angel: It's just the Music of Bittersweet Foreshadowing. There's a lot of it this episode.
Buffy: No -- THAT!
Mohra Demon: Rargh! Rargh!

Doyle: Hey, did you hear that?
Cordelia: Oh, yeah. That's probably just Buffy and Angel fighting.
Doyle: Don't you think we should check it out?
Cordelia: No. I mean, I'm sure they're not being attacked by a large demon or anything. We should go.

Mohra Demon: Rargh! You stabbed me with my own sword! That's so unfair! I'm taking my toys and going home!

Buffy: Let's engage in caustic banter while we search for the demon that masks the obvious sexual tension between us.
Angel: This is weird.
Buffy: Oh! I'm so glad you said that. Being around you is weird. Sometimes I want to fight you, and sometimes I want to... you know.
Angel: I meant the demon's blood is weird. It's kind of like radioactive snot.
Buffy: Oops. Embarrassed now.
Angel: No, it is confusing. I'm confused.
Cordelia: You're sexually confused? Big surprise there.
Angel: Cordelia, you do realize you're not actually in this scene, right?
Cordelia: I go where the snark calls me.
Buffy: Here, I'll go one way to find the demon, and you go another. That will help alleviate any... confusion.

Mohra Demon: Rargh! Your girlfriend is no longer here to protect you!
Angel: Hey, she's not my girlfriend anymore. We have an understanding... Ow! Your sword cut me! Let me take a moment to look at my bleeding hand dramatically.
Mohra Demon: Rargh! You stabbed me! I bleed on you!
Angel: Augh! I'm experiencing the Glowy FX of Something Supernatural Happening to Me! I'm losing my soul! No, wait, I'm losing my free will! No, wait, I'm losing my virginity! No, wait, I'm losing my... demon!

Angel: Hey, Cordy! Doyle! I'm alive! I'm alive! I... suddenly have an eating disorder!
Cordelia: You know what they say overeating is a substitute for, don't you?
Angel: What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the crunching.
Cordelia: Never mind. I'll go get Buffy before you go up four more pants sizes.

Angel: We need to know more about this demon, what it did to me, what I can, uh, do now.
Doyle: The demon that attacked you is called a Mohra demon. Its blood has regenerative properties, so when it mixed with yours, you became human. It's a mercenary that takes out warriors for our side. You know, funny thing about the Mohra demon....
Angel: Dammit, Doyle, can I have sex with Buffy or not?
Doyle: I dunno. Let's ask the Oracles.
Angel: The Oracles? Who are they?
Doyle: They're a brother-sister pair who spend eternity hanging round with each other in body paint. It's way too Flowers in the Attic for me.

Brother Oracle: We'll tell you what you want to know, but first we're going to extort presents from you.
Angel: Uh, I have a watch.
Sister Oracle: How deliciously ironic!
Angel: Actually, I don't think that's the proper use of irony.
Sister Oracle: Shut up, Lower Being! Ooooo, shiny!
Angel: But, what do I do now that I'm human?
Brother Oracle: How the hell should I know? You're mortal and useless. Go get some with your girlfriend or something.
Angel: Sounds like a plan!

Angel: I'm going to spend some time talking about how we need to take things slow, but it's really just a ploy to get back in your pants.
Buffy: Shut up and take me now!
Angel: Okay.

Angel: Thank heaven we found a way to combine my two obsessions, sex and ice cream.
Buffy: Mmmmm....
Cordelia: EW!
Angel: Again, Cordy, you're not in this scene.
Cordelia: Well, someone needed to say it.

Doyle: Gee, thank heaven I won't have those head-crushing visions now that Angel's alive... OW!

Buffy: Blah blah blah contentcakes.
Angel: Go to sleep. We'll have another day like this tomorrow.
(DUM DUM DUM!)
Angel: I wish that music would shut up.

Doyle: Sorry to burst in on your coital bliss, but the Mohra demon's regenerated itself. Someone needs to kill it. And you need to put on some pants.
Angel: I'll go kill the demon while I leave Buffy here asleep. She's very understanding when I sneak around and do things behind her back.

Mohra Demon: Rargh!
Angel: I fight you ineffectually!

Buffy: Hey, where's Angel?
Cordelia: Why aren't you talking about me and my feelings instead of that big galoot who went off to fight the Mohra demon by hims-- oops.

Angel: Oof! Ow!
Mohra Demon: Rargh! You fight like a girl!
Buffy: That's an insult to girls!
Angel: Smash the jewel in his forehead!
Mohra Demon: Rargh! My mother gave me that! (Dies)
Buffy: It's all right, Angel. We're together now, and nothing will take you away from me.
(DUM DUM DUM!)

Angel: Here's another present. Now make me a demon again so I can stop fighting like a wuss and help Buffy.
Brother Oracle: No. And that vase totally doesn't go with our d�cor.
Sister Oracle: I say we help him.
Brother Oracle: Well, there are a few hair styling tips I could share....
Sister Oracle: I meant that we could do that time thing.
Brother Oracle: Temporal folds are not for the whims of lower beings.
Sister Oracle: You're wrong. And mom always liked me best!
Angel: What are you talking about? Stop using big words like "temporal."
Sister Oracle: We'll take away this day. It will be like it never happened. You alone will remember it, so that you don't make the same mistakes again, and we're all spared the sight of the ice cream. Can you deal with that?
Angel: I get another reason to brood? Okey-doke.

Angel: Buffy, I went to see the Oracles. They're making me a demon again so I can help you in the fight against evil. The only catch is that everyone will forget this day ever happened.
Cordelia: Well thank GOD for that! The ice cream thing's been giving me nightmares.
Buffy: No! I'll never forget, I'll never forget, I'll never....
Clock of Doom: DONG! DONG!
Angel: What were you saying?
Buffy: I forgot.

Buffy: So, back to berating you....
Mohra Demon: Rargh! Rar-- oh, crap! Not again! (Dies)
Buffy: Wow. How did you know how to kill that thing?
Angel: Oh, I've fought it before. And when I say before, I mean times other than today, in the past, and certainly not another version of today in which I became human and we had lots and lots of sex before I unselfishly gave it and you up to rejoin the fight against evil as a demon.
Buffy: Yeah, whatever. I'm going back to Sunnydale and Captain Cardboard.
Angel: And I'll go back to brooding. Really. Brooding. Stop looking at me like that.
(Angel broods at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Previous fiver: The Bachelor Party
Next fiver: Parting Gifts

Links:

• Printable version

Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Dachelle.

Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.

Other reviews:

• Television Without Pity Recap
  

Site navigation:
Home
___ Five-Minute Angel
___ ___ Season 1
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "I Will Remember You"