Cliffhangers: The Saga Continues

[Tate]

I was thinking, recently, and I remembered that part 7 of Cliffhangers ended in (what else?) a cliffhanger and a "To Be Continued." I realize, of course, that it is supposed to end that way; it's a cliffhanger and is intended to leave the reader hanging. But I also realized that it would be an opportunity for me to write something funny.
So, in the tradition of Bored at Work/Home fivers (if anyone remembers those), and with apologies to Zeke and anyone else I may have portrayed, referenced, or plagiarized, I give you:

Cliffhangers, Part 8
By Tate
Previously on Cliffhangers....
IJD: We've gotta get out of here!
Marc: Zeke! Think of something!
Zeke: Okay! Here goes!
Derek: Well, it's a cliffhanger.
IJD: Maybe. On the other hand, we are all dangling from a cliff.
Zeke: Ehh, we'll be fine. We just need to keep level heads and, above all, not look down.
Zeke, Kira, Marc, IJD, and Derek: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Sa’ar Chasm: (Dangling near the top of the rope) Ow! Stop yelling!
IJD: Well excuse me if I’m hanging on for—HEY! Marc! You have hair!
Sa’ar: Ahem.
IJD: Marc! You have hair and your clothes are different!
Sa’ar: AHEM!
IJD: Marc! You have hair, your clothes are different, and you seem to have changed your name again!
Sa’ar: Never speak to me again.
Scooter: Will you two please be quiet? I’m trying to save us.
(Scooter pulls out a sonic screwdriver, with which he somehow manages to hoist himself, Sa’ar, Derek, IJD, and Zeke up to the top of the cliff. Kira and Marc have strangely vanished.)
Zeke: Thanks for the rescue, guys. But I think you owe us an explanation.
IJD: At five-percent interest.
Scooter: How can we owe interest on an explanation?
Derek: Well I’m certainly interested in hearing an explanation.
Sa’ar: Fair enough. What do you want to know?
Zeke: For starters, where are Marc and Kira?
Sa’ar: I’m sorry to say they are no longer with us.
Zeke: You mean, they’re…
Scooter: Yeah.
IJD: Alas, poor Marc and Kira; I knew them well.
Derek: How did they die?
Sa’ar: Huh? What are you talking about?
Zeke: You just said…
Sa’ar: I said that they are no longer with us. Meaning that they’ve gone back home.
Scooter: See, Sa’ar and I decided we wanted to join you guys in your adventure. When we realized you were dangling from a rope on the edge of a cliff, we figured it was about time for us to take over narration.
Sa’ar: And when we talked with Kira and Marc a couple of days ago, they told us they were getting tired of this adventure and should be getting back to their homes. After all, they’re busy people; they can’t spend weeks at a time in some silly adventure.
Derek: What are you implying?
Sa’ar: Oh, nothing. Anyway, we decided to narrate those two out of the adventure when we took over the narration.
Zeke: So you want us to continue our adventures without them?
Scooter: Sure. Think of it as a retcon, if you prefer. From now on, it has always been the five of us on this adventure.
IJD: Or we could consider it to be a re-imagining of the original Cliffhangers. The adventures would have the same setting, but would have a different plot, better special effects, and somewhat different characters, including a character whose gender is different than one in the original. You know, kind of like—
Zeke: Are you going to compare us to BattleStar Galactica?
IJD: Um…
Zeke: ARE YOU GOING TO COMPARE US TO BATTLESTAR GALACTICA?
IJD: …No! Of course not!
Zeke: Good. I’d hate to have to use the hammer of smiting.
Derek: Of course, if you did use it, then you’d be a basher, wouldn’t you?
Zeke: …Changing the subject, I think we should be getting back to our homes now.
Scooter: What? Now wait just a minute here. We didn’t save you just to have you leave. We want in.
Sa’ar: Yeah, we want to have an adventure.
Zeke: Fine, if you insist. I suppose we can have a quick adventure before going home. What did you two have in mind?
Scooter: Uh…
Sa’ar: Er…
Scooter: See, we hadn’t quite gotten to that point in our plans yet.
Sa’ar: I really don’t have any ideas.
Derek: Great, so we’re right back where we started.
IJD: We’re starting at the beginning again? The case for my re-imagining theory grows.
Scooter: Hey! Here’s an idea; we ask our loyal fanbase for suggestions.
Zeke: Good idea. They’ve already demonstrated that they have excellent tastes by liking the site.
Derek: So where are we going to find some fans to ask?
Sa’ar: At the forum, of course. Let’s go.
(Colors swirl around our heroes, gradually congealing into solid forms.)

[Tate]

Zeke: Uh, Sa’ar? When you said ‘the forum’…
Sa’ar: What?
(The five staffers are wearing togas and are standing in the middle of a large, open plaza, amidst a multitude of similarly dressed people. Surrounding the plaza are several stone buildings.)
Zeke: We’re supposed to be at the Five-Minute forums!
Sa’ar: Zeke, when you’ve been on the Internet as long as I have, you realize that if you’ve been to one forum, you’ve been to them all.
Zeke: That’s not true! The forums on my site are much better than most of the forums out there.
Sa’ar: That’s what all the webmasters say.
Derek: Seriously, regardless of the relative merits of different forums, how does being in the Roman Forum help us find fans of FiveMinute.Net?
IJD: Yeah, we can’t just start talking to someone here and assume that they like the site.
Scooter: Really? Let’s try. Hey, you there! Do you like FiveMinute.Net?
Tate: Yes.
Derek: That was easy. You’re Tate, right?
Tate: That’s me.
Zeke: Do you have any ideas for our adventure this year?
Tate: Hmmm… How about you’re on an alien ship hurtling through space at the speed of light…
Derek: Sorry, but we’ve done that already.
Tate: Okay. Then what if you’re travelling from one dimension to another, trying to get back home?
IJD: We did that years ago.
Tate: I thought it sounded familiar. Well, maybe you all could go back in time to prevent a television show from being erased from the timeline.
Scooter: Come on, be serious.
Tate: Sorry, I’m all out of ideas.
Zeke: Oh well, thanks anyway. I don’t suppose you’d be interested in joining us on our adventure, would you?
Tate: Thanks for the offer. I’d really like to, but I think I should be getting back home. I haven’t even had breakfast yet.
Sa’ar: Well, so long. Enjoy your Chex.
Tate: Huh?
Sa’ar: You said you were going to have breakfast…
Tate: Yes, but I was planning on having a bowl of puffed rice. Why’d you think I was going to have Chex?
Sa’ar: Um, no reason.
Tate: Never mind, then. I’ll see you guys later.
Derek: So much for that plan. Maybe we should try to find some other fan.
Scooter: Or we could just listen to that speaker over there. He sounds interesting.
Mark Antony: …and Zeke is an honorable man.
Derek: Hey! He mentioned Zeke!
Zeke: He’s obviously an intelligent individual.
Sa’ar: How intelligent can he be if he leaves the ‘u’ out of ‘honourable’?
IJD: And he doesn’t seem to be very persuasive. The crowd seems to be getting angry with Zeke, even though that guy said he was honorable.
Zeke: You know, the crowd does seem angry. Violent, even.
Derek: Yeah, they keep looking at you with furious expressions. Maybe we should leave.
Sa’ar: Nonsense. It’s not as if they can accuse Zeke of killing a popular statesman or something like that.
Man In Crowd: Let not a traitor live! Zeke hath slain Caesar!
Sa’ar: Then again…
(The five cliffhangers back up as the angry mob advances on them. Scooter points his sonic screwdriver at the crowd in a vaguely threatening manner.)
IJD: I don’t suppose this is a good time to ask if any of us speaks Latin.
(Some time later, Scooter, Sa’ar, IJD, and Derek are sitting in a dark prison cell.
IJD: Hey! We don’t have to speak Latin! Those people were speaking English!
Derek: Yeah, we must be in Shakespeare’s ‘Julius Caesar’ instead of ancient Rome itself. A lot of good that does us now.
Scooter: Yeah; none of us can speak Elizabethan English either.
IJD: Hey! I can speak it. "To be, or not to be; that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler to deny thy father and refuse thy name, or whether in the why and wherefore there is neither rhyme nor reason."
Sa’ar: Wow. What does that mean?
IJD: I dunno. Something about angst, I guess.
Derek: (sigh) It’s too bad what happened to Zeke.
Scooter: Are you sure? ‘Cause we don’t actually know what happened. We were dragged away before we got to see.
Sa’ar: I think we should be content with our ignorance for now. This is a cliffhanger, after all. Zeke’s fate should be a surprise to be revealed later on.
(A guard approaches the cell.)
Derek: Hey! Can you tell us why we’re being kept here?
Guard: Don’t you know already? You’re being detained on charges of association with Zeke, who is accused of murder.
Derek: But Zeke’s not a murderer.
Guard: Tell that to the angry mob.
IJD: We tried. They were shouting so loud they couldn’t hear us.
Guard: Speaking of tried, your trial is set for tomorrow morning. Your execution is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.
Scooter: Wow. You guys don’t waste any time, do you?
Guard: What the people want, the people get.
Derek: But Rome is a Republic, not a Democracy!
Guard: Fine. You can appeal to the Chancellor, if you wish.
Sa’ar: Chancellor? Are you sure this is the right Republic-about-to-become-an-Empire?
Guard: Yes.
IJD: All the same, I’ll keep my eyes open for any Jedi.
Scooter: Especially those of the pointy-haired variety.
Guard: Look, do you want to appeal to the Chancellor or not?
Derek: What choice do we have? Yes, we want to appeal to the Chancellor.
Guard: I’ll notify him of your wishes. (Leaves)
IJD: I hate to say this, but I doubt we’ll have much success with our appeal. The people seem dead-set on convicting us.
Scooter: Do you have to put it that way?
Derek: If only we had a tricorder. Then we could probably find a weak spot in the cell, and escape that way.
Scooter: I have a tricorder.
IJD: No, Scooter, that’s a sp-Hey! That’s a fork.
Scooter: Yeah, I thought the spoon joke was getting too cliched.
Sa’ar: Wait a minute, let me have that.
(Sa’ar grabs the fork and jabs it at the guard, who is returning to the cell. As the guard stumbles backward to avoid being hit by the fork, he conveniently drops his key within the reach of our heroes.)
Sa’ar: Quick! Follow me!
(The four staffers dash out of the cell and down a long hallway. A minute of frantic racing later, they find themselves in a large, cedar-paneled room. Two rows of guards flank an aisle leading toward a dais on the other end of the room. Beyond the guards are hundreds of spectators. As the cliffhangers turn to leave, they find that several guards have moved to block their exit.)
Derek: Great move, Sa’ar. Any other ideas?
(A bailiff approaches the center of the room and raises his hands.)
Bailiff: Here ye, hear ye. The Court of Rome is now in session. The honourable Chancellor Valium presiding.
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: Chancellor Valium?
Valium: (Ascending the dais) Hey, it’s Sa’ar’s narration.
Sa’ar: Good point.
Derek: So, Valium, what can we do to convince you that we’re innocent?
Valium: Actually, you don’t need to do anything. I’ve reviewed the evidence, and it doesn’t look like you’ve done anything wrong. I’m inclined to just let you go.
IJD: Alright!
Valium: But first…
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: Uh-oh.
Valium: There’s a standard courtroom procedure we have around here. I have to ask you all three questions. If you answer correctly, you get to go free. Otherwise, the trial continues.
Scooter: Who thought that rule up?
Derek: Ask us your questions, Chancellor; we are not afraid.
Valium: First question: What are your names?
Sa’ar: Huh? You already know our names.
Valium: Would you prefer I asked you a harder question?
Sa’ar: No, this is fine. My name is Sa’ar Chasm.
Scooter: I’m Scooter.
Derek: I’m Derek Dean.
IJD: My name’s IJD GAF.
Valium: Second question: What is your quest?
Scooter: I seek brains.
Sa’ar: I seek a heart.
IJD: I seek courage.
Derek: I just want to go home.
Valium: Look, guys. If you aren’t going to be serious…
IJD: Just kidding. We really seek adventure.
Scooter: And a "Get out of jail free" card.
Derek: And it would be nice to have Zeke back.
Valium: Final question: What is the natural logarithm of pi?
(Pause.)
Sa’ar: Um…
Valium: I’m waiting.
Derek: See, at times like this it would be really useful to have Zeke with us.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Next time on Cliffhangers…
A duel to the death!
Sa’ar: Wait, I have to fight armed only with a shrubbery? These Monty Python references have gotten seriously out of hand.
Scooter: Maybe you should ask Valium to give you a herring.
And Zeke returns…changed.
Zeke: I am Locus of Borg. Your distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is like dividing one by zero.
Derek: If you’re the locus of the Borg, shouldn’t you be part of the Delta Quadrant?

[MaverickZer0]

Ahahahahahaha!

...No, seriously, it was good. Don't stop.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Oh, I enjoyed that very muchly. Those crazy Romans, what will they do next?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

I was all set to point out that I make a point of saying "fora" and not "forums", but then I saw that none of my lines actually contain that word.

Sa’ar: How intelligent can he be if he leaves the ‘u’ out of ‘honourable’?

This, however, I would definitely say *g*

Valium: (Ascending the dais) Hey, it’s Sa’ar’s narration.

Oh, sure, blame me. I complex, I tells ya...

IJD: Marc! You have hair, your clothes are different, and you seem to have changed your name again!

And you're a foot taller and twenty years younger and your eyes have changed colour.

[Zeke]

That was exceedingly funny -- aside from the gaping plot hole, that is. I do speak Latin.

[Chancellor Valium]

ROFL. Very good stuff Tate

And yay! I have lines! And stuff!

Thanks, Tate!

[PointyHairedJedi]

Originally Posted by Zeke

That was exceedingly funny -- aside from the gaping plot hole, that is. I do speak Latin.

You're a bit stuffed trying to do math in Roman numerals though - the lack of a zero would soon get in the way, I'd imagine.

I wonder what pi would be...

[Zeke]

You'd think, but there are tricks for it. (The Romans had to do all their math that way, so they were bound to find shortcuts.) I've been known to teach Roman numeral multiplication in my math camps.

[e of pi]

Didn't they actually issue their legions rules for squaring circles and such that they made up, even though they knew they weren't right? We Hoosiers only follow in the footsteps of the best math legislators.

[Chancellor Valium]

Originally Posted by Zeke

That was exceedingly funny -- aside from the gaping plot hole, that is. I do speak Latin.

...Given a lexicon, a grammar, and a crash course in actually speaking the stuff?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

...Given a lexicon, a grammar, and a crash course in actually speaking the stuff?

I'm convinced he actually does speak it. I got him to proofread the obscene Latin sign I put up on my lab bench (and then got made into a coffee mug).

[Chancellor Valium]

Originally Posted by Sa'ar Chasm

I'm convinced he actually does speak it. I got him to proofread the obscene Latin sign I put up on my lab bench (and then got made into a coffee mug).

Ooh, what was the sign?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Omnia fornicantur ascendum.

(The grammatical incorrectness at the end isn't his fault.)

[Tate]

Well, I’m glad everyone seems to like it. (I’m talking about my Cliffhangers episode, in case anyone has forgotten).
Speaking of that, if anyone happens across this thread who doesn't know about Cliffhangers, you can find the real episodes at http://www.fiveminute.net/features/. Hopefully that will explain some things.

And you're a foot taller and twenty years younger and your eyes have changed colour.

Yeah, you’d think he’d notice things like that. But you have to recall that he was hanging from a rope at that point. It must have been hard for him to see at that angle.

That was exceedingly funny -- aside from the gaping plot hole, that is. I do speak Latin.

Next time on Cliffhangers…
Zeke notices a plot hole.
IJD: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Zeke. I don’t see any plot hoAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa…
Zeke: Alas. Sic transit IJD.
(Pause)
Scooter: Can I have his subsite?

...No, seriously, it was good. Don't stop.

Actually, that’s all I had planned on writing of this adventure. Maybe I'll continue if I get some more ideas. In the mean time, if anyone else wants to continue Cliffhangers, they’re more than welcome to, as far as I’m concerned. I would just ask that:

1. You state your intentions before writing. We wouldn’t want two people simultaneously working on different versions of the same episode.
2. You remember that the setting of Cliffhangers is mid-to-late 2005. Don’t have the characters talking about what happened ‘back in Minutemen’ for example.
3. You stay nice. A bit of teasing within a panel discussion like this is acceptable; expected, even. Just remember that most of the characters are based on real people, with real feelings.

It’s not that I anticipate anyone hurting anyone else’s feelings in writing an episode of Cliffhangers, but I think it would be best to make sure of the rules before starting.

Of course, if the conversation continues on its current path, we’d have to start a new thread for any future episodes. Not that I dislike talk about Latin, mind…

[Sa'ar Chasm]

You stay nice. A bit of teasing within a panel discussion like this is acceptable; expected, even.

A complex, I tells you. (Silence, lithospheric anomaly.)

There were some bits in Khantra that I thought may have crossed a line or two that nobody seemed to object to. Still, I'd err on the side of caution if I were you.

I toyed briefly with the idea of writing my own me-based Cliffhangers episode purely for the amusement of the staff, but now I may actually compose it and post it as a standalone outside whatever storyline develops here (why? Because I feel like it. Nyah. *g*)

[Tate]

I've gotten around to writing another episode of Cliffhangers. This time, I actually have plans for one more episode, so stick around (of course, if anyone else has plans for the next episode, I'd be happy to let them write it instead).

Note: This is the first Cliffhangers episode not to feature the author as a character.

Note: Please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors in the Latin text.

Note: Please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors in the English text as well.

Note: Of course, it would be more understandable for there to be errors in the Latin text, as I am not a native Latin speaker.

Note: Please excuse these excessive notes. They will end soon.

Note: This is the final note.

And here it is:

Cliffhangers, Part 9
By Tate
Previously on Cliffhangers....
Zeke: You know, the crowd does seem angry. Violent, even.
IJD: Hey! We don’t have to speak Latin! Those people were speaking English!
Scooter: I have a tricorder.
IJD: No, Scooter, that’s a sp-Hey! That’s a fork.
Valium: Final question: What is the natural logarithm of pi?
Sa’ar: Um…
Derek: See, at times like this it would be really useful to have Zeke with us.
IDJ: I’d like a lifeline.
Derek: IDJ, this is a court; we don’t get lifelines.
Valium: Actually, you do.
Scooter: Really? I love this legal system.
Sa’ar: So what’s the lifeline?
Valium: You get to bring in another person to help you answer the question.
Sa’ar: Can I bring in a calculator?
Valium: I’m afraid not.
Sa’ar: Rats. I guess we’ll bring in Zeke, then.
IDJ: Good idea. Kill two birds with one stone.
Valium: Oh yeah, about Zeke. See, there’s a slight problem…
Scooter: Was he killed by the angry mob?
Valium: No, nothing like that. What happened was…
Crowd: Death to Zeke!
Zeke: Mē audīte, Ō Rōmānī.
Man in Crowd: What did he say?
Other Man in Crowd: I know not.
Zeke: Non hostis tuī sum.
Man in Crowd: Speak words we can understand!
Zeke: Nihil malum factīvī.
Other Man in Crowd: I tire of this. Let us leave him.
IJD: Wait, Zeke speaks Latin? I didn’t know that!
Scooter: Maybe you did, and you just forgot.
Derek: Yeah, sounds like those parasites are at work again.
IJD: Parasites?
Derek: Zeke told me that you were infected by some trans-dimensional memory-eating parasites. It happened on the Sleapers adventure, a few dimensions before mine.
IJD: But I don’t remember that!
Derek: Exactly.
Valium: Anyway, the rest of the crowd couldn’t understand Latin. They started to get bored as Zeke continued to speak.
Sa’ar: Latin has that effect on people.
Valium: So the crowd began to disperse. But just when it looked like all would be well for Zeke…
Space-time Vortex: Open!
Zeke: Aaaagghh!
Valium: And with that, he disappeared.
Scooter: And you have no idea where he went?
Valium: He could be anywhere in inter-dimensional space.
Derek: Then I guess we’ll have to bring in someone else to help us, and then look for Zeke after we’re free.
Valium: You could do that. Or I could call a recess and let you look for him now.
Sa’ar: But how are we supposed to look for him? You said yourself that he could be anywhere.
Valium: You can borrow my TARDIS, if you like. It’s right out there in the courtyard.
Scooter: All right!
IJD: That’s pretty generous of you. Do we need to sign some papers promising not to scratch it or ditch it and make our getaway as soon as we leave?
Valium: No, I trust you. Just—hey! Wipe that mischievous grin off your face, mister.
Sa’ar: (grinning mischievously) I can’t help it. Someone has to grin mischievously now that Kira’s not here to do it anymore.
Valium: No you don’t. Now get going.
Derek: Right away.
(Our heroes file out of the courtroom and into the courtyard.)
Scooter: Isn’t it funny how both of those words start with ‘court?’
(Silence, orange-haired Muppet.)
Sa’ar: Well, here it is.
(The four of them stand facing a large, blue box with a light on top. A door is on the front, above which are the words ‘POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX.’ Derek eyes it dubiously.)
Derek: Are you sure there’s enough room in there for all of us?
Scooter: Haven’t you ever seen Doctor Who, Derek? Of course there’s enough room. It’s much bigger on the inside than on the outside. I’ll show you.
(Scooter opens the door and ushers the group in. After a moment of jostling, all four of them manage to squeeze into the box. There is barely enough room for them to stand up.)
Derek: …you were saying?
Scooter: Hmm…I guess Valium opted for the compact model. No problem. We don’t need to stay in here for long—just long enough to find Zeke. Now where is that activation switch?
(The door closes. A short time later, the TARDIS disappears. At that moment, Zeke runs into the courtroom.)
Zeke: Approximately one point one four! (Zeke looks around triumphantly, then notices that he is alone with Valium in the courtroom.)
Valium: Sorry, you just missed them. They’re off looking for you.
Zeke: Noooo! Why am I always late?
Valium: I’m sure a lot of your readers would like to know that too. The good news is that your answer to my question was correct, so you and the others are free to go.
Zeke: A lot of good that does me now.
Valium: Well, since you’re here, could you tell me something? How did you get out of the dimension where pi equals three?
(Zeke narrows his gaze and casts a suspicious look around the room. Satisfied that there are no eavesdroppers, he leans close to Valium and whispers…)
Zeke: It’s a secret.
Valium: Ah…

[Tate]

(The TARDIS materializes on an alien planet. The four staffers inside quickly tumble out.)
Sa’ar: That is the last time I ride in one of those things.
IJD: You said it.
Derek: Does anyone know where we are?
IJD: Not a clue. Scooter?
Scooter: Well, this is either where Zeke is or where he was. Or where he will be. Or it could have nothing to do with Zeke at all. I might have been able to tell if someone hadn’t been blocking the navigation screen.
Sa’ar: Hey, don’t blame me. It’s not like there was enough room for me to move out of the way in there.
Scooter: I guess you’re right. I just wish we had something more to go on than ‘an alien planet.’
(Silence, two-wheeled pedestrian vehicle.)
Derek: We could ask that mysterious stranger over there.
Sa’ar: Good idea. Hey, you! What’s your name?
Mysterious Stranger: Didn’t you hear? I’m a Mysterious Stranger.
IJD: Really? Wow! I’m a big fan of yours. I saw one of your fights on Taris.
Stranger: You must be thinking of The Mysterious Stranger. I’m just a Mysterious Stranger.
Scooter: Well, Stranger, can you tell us where we are?
Stranger: No, but I will tell you to leave. Trust me; you don’t want to stay here much longer.
IJD: Oh really…
Stranger: Yep. And you especially don’t want to see what’s over that hill.
(While the cliffhangers are looking at the hill in question, the Mysterious Stranger mysteriously vanishes.)
Sa’ar: Wow, that was mysterious.
Derek: What did you expect? So who wants to see what’s over the hill?
IJD: I do!
Scooter: Race you to the top.
Sa’ar: You’re on.
Derek: Reverse psychology is a powerful thing.
(Upon reaching the top of the hill, the four staffers look around to see what it was that the Mysterious Stranger didn’t want them to see.)
IJD: I think I see something in the shadows there.
Scooter: I can hear something from there too.
Voice: EXTERMINATE!
Derek: Hmm…sounds like an exterminator.
Sa’ar: Good, there are a lot of insects around here.
IJD: Or maybe it’s an exterminator in the sense that it used to be a terminator.
Sa’ar: Could be. What do you think, Scooter?
(Pause)
Sa’ar: Scooter?
(Derek, IDJ, and Sa’ar turn to look at Scooter, whose face has turned a deadly white.)
Scooter: D…D…D…DALEK! AAAAAA!
IJD: Dalek?
Sa’ar: Uh oh. Aren’t those the cyborgs that wiped out the Time Lords?
Scooter: Yep.
Sa’ar: Drat.
Derek: Maybe we should have trusted that Mysterious Stranger when he said we didn’t want to stay here.
Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
IJD: Sounds like its getting closer.
Sa’ar: And there’s another one over there.
Other Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
Derek: Pretty limited vocabulary those guys have, isn’t it?
IJD: You’re the Doctor Who expert, Scooter. How do you suggest we deal with these Daleks?
Scooter: Personally, I’d run away, screaming my head off.
Sa’ar: Good idea.
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(The four staffers take off running, screaming as load as they can.)
Derek: You know, we could probably run a lot faster if we didn’t scream so much.
Sa’ar: Can’t talk. Too busy running and screaming.
(Eventually, the cliffhangers realize that Daleks have surrounded them. Gradually, the Daleks close in on our heroes.)
Daleks: EXTERMINATE!
Scooter: We’re doomed.
Sa’ar: We’re doomed.
IJD: We are so doomed.
Derek: Maybe we’re doomed. Or maybe…IJD! Hammer!
(IJD hands the Hammer of Smiting to Derek, who swings it at the nearest Dalek. The blow glances off the Dalek, which pauses for a second, then continues as if nothing had happened.)
Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
Derek: Yeah; we’re doomed.
(The Daleks continue to approach our heroes, repeating their deadly mantra. Just when all hope is lost, a robed figure takes a flying leap over the crowd of Daleks, performs several mid-air somersaults, and lands next to the staffers, with an ignited lightsaber in hand. He proceeds to cut the two closest Daleks in half.)
Sa’ar: Is that…
Scooter: It can’t be…
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: Pointy Haired Jedi?
Pointy Haired Jedi: You guys are so cute when you speak in unison.
(The staffers watch as the Jedi effortlessly dispatches the remaining Daleks.)
Jedi: We have to get out of here before their reinforcements show up. My ship is just over the next hill.
(Our heroes follow the Jedi to his ship. A short while later, they are spaceborne, preparing to jump to hyperspeed.
IJD: There’s something I don’t understand. This is supposed to be a cliffhanger, right? It seems to me that the best time to end the episode was when we were back there on the planet, surrounded by Daleks. So why did you rescue us now, instead of waiting until next episode?
Jedi: Perhaps there’s another cliffhanger coming up. Perhaps you’ll find out that the Daleks were just a phantom menace, and the real danger lies elsewhere. Kind of like in Batman Begins, where you find out just before the climax that the show’s two villains have just been puppets of Ra’s Al Ghul.
IJD: Batman Begins?
Jedi: Yeah. It’s a great movie. Have you ever seen it?
Sa’ar: …wait a minute. You’re not the real Pointy Haired Jedi.
‘Jedi’: Rats. How could you tell?
Derek: Your eyes are the wrong shade.
‘Jedi’: Oops. I’ll have to get colored contacts next time I go undercover. But you’re right. I’m not Pointy Haired Jedi. I’m really Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith.
Scooter: AAAAAAA!
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: I see you are properly terrified by my tremendous dark side power.
Scooter: It’s not that. I’m just scared of your name. Will I have to remember that every time I want to say something to you? Can’t I just call you ‘Infamous?’ Or ‘Sith?’ Or maybe ‘DIPHDLS?’
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Silence, Vice Presidential Aide. It’s my name and I like it this way.
Scooter: ‘Vice Presidential Aide?’ That’s the best you could come up with?
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: The narrator took all the good ones. Anyway, I feel I should inform you that you are my prisoners, and will be confined at my secret base until I can use you to further my nefarious schemes.
IJD: Do your worst. You can’t frighten us.
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Oh, I forgot to mention that cedar trees are extinct on my planet.
IJD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Next Time on Cliffhangers…
Our heroes face the wrath of a fully armed and operational battlestation.
IJD: That’s a toaster oven, not a battlestation..
Scooter: I suppose it could still hurt if you put your hand into it.
And the Wing Zero returns to Earth.
Sa’ar: Hey! That doesn’t have anything to do with us at all!
Heero: Deal with it.

[PointyHairedJedi]

It is good.

(Batman Begins was actually pretty terrible, so if I ever did say that in real life chances are I'm either a fake or overdosed on DFPs.)

[Sa'ar Chasm]

(Silence, orange-haired Muppet.)
(Silence, two-wheeled pedestrian vehicle.)
Silence, Vice Presidential Aide.

Hah, yes! Pick on someone else for once!
(I keed, I keed.)