Five-Minute "The Ring 2"

[Zeke]

Ladies.

Gentlemen.

Welcome to an update ten years in the making.

In 2003 we had a Hallowe'en event. My contribution to it was Five-Minute The Ring, written in an effort to make myself less terrified of that brilliant film. (It didn't work, but the fiver's been popular, so I'll take it.) Two years later, we had a partial followup event, and by then The Ring 2 had come out. I had managed to watch it (tip: turning the volume way down makes cheap scare chords less effective), and I got a few scenes into the fiver, but then dried up. I wound up doing the between-movies DVD extra, Rings, and saving the sequel for a later date.

Every Hallowe'en since then, I've tried to finish that fiver and post it. It's become a ritual. Sometimes I watch the movie again (I don't even have to turn the volume down anymore!). Sometimes, when I get really confident, I do some silly buildup like pretending to catch the Ring Virus in newsposts. But this year was special for two reasons.

One: This year is the tenth anniversary of when I started working on it.

Two: I finished it last year.

Yep. I got on a roll, but wasn't done till a month after Hallowe'en, so I decided to save it. It's been a long wait for me -- not to brag, but this is a really good one. And now, after due buildup (you noticed the static background, right?), here it is.

Five-Minute The Ring 2. DRINK THE TEA.

(Note: Apparently some readers find the static headache-inducing, so here's a version without it. The static on other pages is gone now. Why? Because I've passed on the curse.)

[NAHTMMM]

Rachel: How? How did this happen? We only made one copy!
(pause)
Rachel: Okay, I guess if Eminem's face had melted, I would probably have read about it by now.

Rachel: Oh, fine, this once. *dials phone* Hello, Doctor? My son is having severe --
Secretary: (over the phone) SEVEN DAYS.
Rachel: AAAAA!
Secretary: That's the next available appointment. And we don't assign benefits. Full price up front.
Rachel: AAAAA!

*snerk*

Rachel: Calm down! *opens door* See? It was just ajar.

I knew there was a pun coming.

Rachel: NOT THE MAMA!
(SLAM)

[Flying Gremlin]

I loved the ellipses.

[Wowbagger]

Apparently now I need to see both movies, just to enjoy this fiver properly.

...although fivers I guess are supposed to be recaps for those of us who are too busy, so maybe I'll just read it and then tell people at parties I've seen The Ring 2, relying on the fiver as my only source of knowledge for the subsequent conversation.

[Flying Gremlin]

That's what I was going to do, mostly because I don't like horror movies.