A Metroid/Halo fanfic MSTed.

[Hejira]

This here fanfic is called Samus Meets the Covenant by Screwattack1. The title said to me, "You have to riff this." I stopped the drugs that made story titles talk, but it turns out the title was correct. I MSTed this without Screwattack1's permission, I'll say that now. I'll also say that a fanfic has to have some redeeming qualities in order to actually be riffed, and I quite enjoyed the process. In case the aforementioned author is reading this, I say keep writing. Everyone: please enjoy kthx.

Introduction

Master Chief: Yo.
Samus: Yo.

What if the praised bounty hunter, Samus Aran, was actually captured, not by Space Pirates, but by the Covenant? What if the Covenant actually managed to break possibly the strongest mind in the galaxy?

What if two people could change everything?

Samus: Hey, a question with a very similar answer is what brought us here, right?
Master Chief: "Which two people are best qualified to break down crappy Metroid/Halo fanfics?" That sentence haunts me to this day.

Chapter 1

The Covenant's Secret Weapon

Master Chief: You know, bragging about a secret weapon tends to take away the secret part of it.

(This Story takes place 2 years after Samus' fight with the Omega Metroid, and 3 years after Spartan 117 killed Tartarus)

Samus: When did that happen?
Master Chief: I'm not entirely sure. Maybe I'm the one who's been brainwashed.

(I don't own Metroid, Nintendo does)

(I don't own Halo, Microsoft and Bungie do)

Samus: So Screwattack1 doesn't have any Metroid or Halo games? Books, comics, action figures, anything?

Click, Click, went Master Chief's battle rifle.

Master Chief: That's it, no more 'The Addams Family' for you.

"Crap," he thought, "out of ammo."

Samus: Tension.

An explosion sent an SMG near the floor near him.

Samus: Resolution.
Master Chief: Near the floor near me? I'm guessing it hit the ceiling directly above my head.

He loaded his gun with the ammunition from the SMG, and turned to see a squad of Covenant Brutes standing before him.

Samus: Never to be seen again, except on milk cartons.

A couple of frag grenades cleared him a path, as he relieved a dead Elite of its Energy Sword.

Master Chief: (Elite) Thanks, man. Terrible strain on my corpse keeping this thing, you know.

He stowed it just as a huge explosion brought death-cries from behind a pack of crates. "That was way too big too be from standard Covenant weaponry-no! It can't be! Could they finally have built their secret weapon?"

Master Chief: Have they finished the paint job? Does it double as a sandwich press?

His long-range sensors started beeping like crazy. There was something coming. Something big and powerful.

Samus: Something like...

Samus cleared out another group of Space Pirates, dispatching them with a power bomb. She turned to find that yet another squad charging at her. "Again? These guys are crazy!"

Master Chief: No, you just blew up their reflections in a mirror.

Her power beam annihilated them.

The two turned to face each other at the exact same time.

Both: It's...a moment.

Samus immediately screw-attacked back,

Samus: Using up her one screw attack. Geddit? Because of Screwattack1's name?
Master Chief: *sigh* Yes.

to face her opponent. "A standard issue Space Pirate weapon," she said, looking at Master Chief's battle rifle. "Really, couldn't Ridley do better?"

Samus: Considering I've lost count of how many times I've killed him, I'm surprised there's enough brain left in him to fly.

Master Chief switched to his Energy Sword, and saw the thing, whatever it was, or whoever, take a hesitant step backward, but soon regain confidence. "Nice toy," Samus bluffed, "ready to see some real firepower?" Master Chief lunged.

Master Chief: I'm totally huggable.

Samus supposedly never saw him coming. Before she knew what was happening, he had sliced her power suit open, rupturing an artery.

Samus: They spent the next few minutes watching her blood go sput, sput, sput, sput. 'Twas kinda fun.

Blood flowed freely.

Samus: (blood cells) We have broken the shackles of the circulatory system and escaped the rule of the evil heart! Now...why are we clotting?

Master Chief turned to see the thing staggering backward, grabbing at its stomach, and fainting. There was red hydraulic fluid over its hand. "Wait, that's blood!" he thought.

Samus: It's paint!
Master Chief: It's wine!
Samus: It's tomato sauce!
Master Chief: It's all these things and more! Order now!

He dragged the thing backward into a corner, and pulled off its helmet.

Master Chief: Wouldn't this thing have a head under the helm– oh.

The face that stared back at him was most definitely human, and female. Her eyes were closing, and her face slowly was turning to white.

Master Chief: As opposed to the neon blue it was before the stabbing.

"I need a medic!" He shouted. He was constantly checking her pulse, and putting pressure on the gaping wound he had inflicted.

Samus: I have a hole in my stomach!

A medicinal robot hovered over, as the hand dropped. The girl's face was deathly white, she was weak from blood loss, and just as the soldier's eyes closed, the med robot started its work.

Master Chief: (med robot) Eh, humans only need one liver. Out it goes!

[Hejira]

Chapter 2

Are they all Bad?

Samus: Wow. Even the story can't stand itself.

Samus woke up, her stomach searing. The last thing she remembered is some powered-up Space Pirate helping her into a corner, and start healing her wound. Good thing she scanned him, and his weapon. "Energy Sword, huh? Guess Ridley can come up with good weapons. But that Space Pirate-helping me? Maybe they're not all bad."

Master Chief: So we're to believe you'd mistake a human for a huge insect-thing with blades for arms?
Samus: Well, there's Weavel.
Master Chief: But I can't separate my body into two parts.
Samus: Pfft. Everyone can split in half. It's the re-assembly that most people fail to master.

Suddenly she realized she was in her ship. A pair of hands closed around her mouth. "Shhh," Master Chief somehow soothed the heart of hatred borne in Samus.

Both: It's...a moment.

"According to Spartan Ops, I subdued you and started examining your gunship. I could be discharged for this. By the way, I'm Spartan 117, but you can call me Master Chief, and you are…"

Samus: Not Spartan 117, obviously.

"Samus Aran." answered the bounty hunter, turning away from the green armor that faced her.

"Do you know whom you are working for?" asked Master Chief.

"The Chozo, Space Pirate."

"They are actually the Covenant, known for their cruelty."

"They're not evil, you are!" she shouted.

"Shut up, you wanna get us killed!"

Samus: Don't tell me what I want!
Master Chief: You also want to live in a small cottage on Charon!
Samus: No! No!
Master Chief: And a mud cake with mocha filling!
Samus: Duh.

"Sorry." Samus thought about this word. Sorry. She had never used it before, let alone to a Space Pirate.

Samus: "Whoops," however, was an everyday part of her vocabulary.
Master Chief: (Samus) Whoops, I blew up yet another planet. That's five this week? Man, what a Tuesday.

"You must have been brainwashed, when did you start working for the Chozo?"

He used the name to get her to stop shouting.

Master Chief: So fic-Samus shouted "Sorry"?
Samus: (shouting) I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am! Speak cooler!

"Three months. Why?"

Samus: There's something I didn't see coming - in this fic, I'm four years old.

"What is the last thing you remember?"

"I remember," she started to think,

Master Chief: Every single blonde joke I know is fighting to reach my mouth. It's going to take a while before one squeezes through.

"a squad of armor-clad monsters, impervious to my weapons, then a sharp pain, then… nothing. My god, what have I-AGGHH!"

Samus: I'm talking to a BOY! EWW!

She never finished her sentence, because the nanobots injected into her blood, placed by the Covenant to kill her if she got a memory recall, started eating away at her muscle tissue, her human-Chozo immune system unable to stop them. She collapsed on the floor, writhing.

Samus: And these nanobots were never mentioned before because...?
Master Chief: At least we didn't see it coming.

It was only the Metroid vaccine that saved Samus' life, yet again.

Samus: Ho hum.

It targeted each nanobot, utterly destroying each one.

Master Chief: Ahh, Metroid DNA. Except for curing tooth sensitivity and Raynaud's, is there anything it can't do?

Samus stopped moving. Master Chief carried her over to the medical table.

Samus: She's dead, Jim.

He didn't have a lot of experience in this, but if he didn't act, this human-Samus, would die of internal bleeding. He acted.

Master Chief: (clears throat) Now is the winter of our discontent...

Disclaimer: Yeah, Yeah. I don't own Metroid. Or Halo.

Master Chief: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead encounter a magic mirror. If they tell the truth, they are granted riches, beauty and a long life. If they lie, they get sucked into the mirror.
Samus: I've heard that one.

Chapter 3

New enemies

The Covenant Generals were infuriated. "Spartan 117 has yet again foiled us!"

Both: Curses – foiled again!

"But this new enemy, Samus Aran, poses a greater threat."

(Samus licks her finger and draws a tally mark in thin air.)

"We need to look into these Metroids. They could be an even greater weapon than the girl ever was."

"I agree, they seem to have destroyed our indestructible nanobots."

Master Chief: We'll have to rename the nanobots. Do you know how much work that takes?

"No, capture both 117 and the girl, and then we will have our revenge."

"We will feast upon their flesh, and then no one will oppose the wrath of the Covenant!"

Samus: Before fattening us up?
Master Chief: We've spent most of our lives working these muscles; you're going to end up with some very tough meat no matter how much marinade you use.
Samus: I just hope the chefs are better at their job than the engineers who made the destructible indestructible nanobots.
Master Chief: I want to be teriyaki.

This conversation was overheard by Ridley, and he, too, was infuriated. "Who do these covenant guys think they are! I am the one who will capture Samus! Frigate commander!

"Yes, Sir!"

Master Chief: (Ridley) Oh, I am the frigate commander.

"When you see the Covenant Ship, attack it with everything you've got!"

"Yessir!"

Samus: I have three bottle caps and a dewclaw that might be yours, sir.

Disclaimer: I own Metroid and Halo, suckas.

Both: Ahh!

Psyche!

Both: (various mutterings containing curse words, insults, and rare, disgusting tropical diseases)

[Hejira]

Chapter 4

Discharged

Master Chief: Eww.

Samus was still unconscious, but her pulse had lowered to normal, and her breathing rate was normal as well. "You're going to be okay, Samus. You got quite a shock, but something saved you."

Master Chief: Prayer.

"That would be her Metroid vaccine, Master Chief."

Samus: (unseen voice) You've been rendered useless.

"What the- show yourself!"

"Don't be alarmed," said the gruff military voice.

Samus: Oh, god...

Master Chief could only help but admire it. "I am Samus' shipboard computer, ADAM."

Master Chief: A Damn Annoying Machine.
Samus: I didn't know you two met.
Master Chief: Oh, we haven't. I have a Game Boy Advance.
Samus: ...our professional relationship has taken a disturbing turn.

"Oh, ok."

"You are right, it was only the metroid vaccine that saved her. I guess that's three times she owes her life to that Metroid."

Samus: It's too dead for her to actually repay the favour, though.

"Geez, she must be very lucky."

"You're telling me."

"Also, Spartan CO left a message. You've been discharged."

Samus: Eww.

"No! I couldn't!"

"What are you two talking about?" came Samus' voice from the med table.

"Oh nothing, I just got discharged from the Spartans."

Master Chief: It's just the only life I've known since I was six. No biggie.

Samus gasped. "I suppose that's alright. Perhaps you could live with us, considering I owe you my life twice over.

Samus: That's a lot of life-debt.

By the way, thank you, very much, for helping to restore my memory."

"Don't mention it."

"Fine, I won't."

There followed an awkward silence.

Samus: I'm really good at not mentioning it.
Master Chief: Actually, I think it's...a moment.
Samus: Oh, god...

Only ADAM's voice broke it.

Master Chief: (Adam) You owe the Master Chief your life, don't you Lady? Twice, right?

"Hey, I just picked up a distress signal. Tallon IV. You know what that means, lady."

"Oh, god. Phazon?"

"Phazon."

"What's Phazon?"

Master Chief: (Adam) You're the one who brought it up, Lady.

"We'll tell you on the way, because it looks like you will be staying with us for a while."

Samus: I should hope so, it's my ship.

The Hunter-Class gunship roared to life, and blasted into space.

Disclaimer: Halo and Metroid are NOT mine.

Samus: With all these denials you'd think Screwattack1 was pregnant with 'em.
Master Chief: Nice one - we almost went four entire chapters without an RvB reference.
Samus: I've been biting my tongue since you ran out of ammo.

Chapter 5

Darkness

(Just a header- This is before Metroid Prime 2: Echoes)

Samus: Oh, so the Metroid DNA that saved my butt isn't there anymore. I guess I'm eating ice-cream this chapter.

A.D.A.M's navigational systems were blaring loudly. "Lady we got a three-way scuffle coming our way. Two pirate frigates, a Galactic Federation Trooper Transport, CO recognized- Captain Exeter, ooh, those pirates don't know what they're up against, and an unidentified dropship."

"Bring it onscreen."

"Roger-Aah! We're hit!

Master Chief: Help us, Roger!

Engine 2 offline, life support at 72 and dropping, gravitational stabilizers failing-and...

Samus: Wait for it...wait for it...

--offline."

"Get Exeter. Now."

"Wait, the dropship belongs to the covenant, I think, yeah!"

(Samus and John bury their heads in their laps to hide their giggles, as giggles don't suit a warrior clad in one. It doesn't work.)

Master Chief's surprisingly helpful comment did not get their gravitational stabilizers back online, but it did help them unravel some of the mystery.

(The giggling abruptly stops.)
Master Chief: This story's getting to us.

"This is Captain Exeter, and it better be good. We're hit everywhere, but we almost got 'em and – Aran-get away-unidentified-ship-weapon-send help-metroids

Samus: Are you absolutely sure you want Metroids to help you out? I can't give out refunds, even when/if they cause grievous bodily desiccation.

-leak-hull-AHHHHH-NO-men,

Master Chief: It's the ship of the valkyries!

ready-they got swords-white armor-need ammunition-out-HALT-wait-hel-"

Master Chief: Well, hell to you too!

There followed nothing but static.

"All right chief, in we go."

"Are you crazy! Those were Elites! And they have Energy swords!

Master Chief: And Days is about to start! And Marlena's dying again!

You're kidding, A.D.A.M., tell me she's kidding!"

Samus: (Adam) She's kidding.
Master Chief: Phew.
Samus: (Adam) Psyche!

"She's not kidding. You fail to understand, that this is a trained bounty hunter. She is the top hunter in the galaxy. Would that suit lie to you?"

Samus: Care to ask the Metroid fans of the 80's that question?

Master Chief examined the suit. Flawless.

Master Chief: Except for the upgrades falling off all the time.

He'd never seen anything like it in his life. The weapon was wired into the armor, so no recoil. All weapons were pure energy, no emission, and was that… plasma?

"You like it?"

Master Chief: Nah, it's too orange.

Chief realized too late that he was drooling.

Samus: He drowned inside his own helmet, and was laid to rest surrounded by friends and...friends.

He would have killed for a suit like that! Well, that's not saying much.

Master Chief: Screwattack1 seems to think I'd kill for a second toy in my Happy Meal.
Samus: Would you?
Master Chief: Only if it lit up.

"Oh. Yeah. Where did you get it?"

It was impossible to not detect the awe in chief's voice.

Samus: But much like destroying those nanobots, I found a way.

"You want one?"

"No, no, no, no. Yes."

Samus: There's a supposed leaked Halo 3 ending that depicts you more in character than this chapter of the fic. Here.
(John takes a look. And listen.)
Master Chief: Sadly, I agree. And now that song's stuck in my head.

"Well, I'm afraid it's the only one of its kind. At least yours has recharging shields. I have to live off an energy converter."

Samus: I used to live off iced coffee, but, you know. Iced.

A.D.A.M. chimed in.

Master Chief: Great, he's a machine that goes 'ping'.

"Well, I'd love to exchange formalities, but life support is at 23."

Chief noticed. Samus' eyes were turning red.

Samus: Eye-drops, eye-drops!

"Get that suit on, lady, so you can impress your boyfriend."

Master Chief: Methinks he has it the wrong way around.
Samus: Doug's here?

Samus actually blushed.

Both: It's...a moment.

As the airlock closed behind them, Chief said, " When he calls you 'lady', is he being sarcastic?"

Samus: (deep voice) Oh my yes.

"No." Her look was utterly sincere.

Master Chief: And that's all that was written.
Samus: As good an ending as any, I say. Until next time.
Master Chief: There's a next time?
Samus: These fanfics aren't going to redeem themselves.
Master Chief: I'd...rather be killing stuff.
Samus: *sigh* Me too. Those were the days...

***
Aaaaaand it's done. feedback plz.

Original fanfic: Samus Meets the Covenant by Screwattack 1
Used without permission - but the fic's far better than certain comments in the reviews section, I assure you.

"We will feast upon their flesh, and then no one will oppose the wrath of the Covenant!"

[MaverickZer0]

*snerk* Congratulations, you had me crack up while I was supposed to be writing a serious RP post. Not easy.

The person who wrote this fic originally should be drawn and quartered--no, slaughtered by Dark Samus. Yes. And some Covenant. Everyone was so wildly OOC...

Let me guess. You found this little 'gem' on FF.net, right? Not the worst I've seen there, but...wow.

[mudshark]

Hee. Funny (even though I'm at best vaguely acquainted with the characters/games involved.) Nice job, Hejira.

[Chancellor Valium]

Funny.

I assume these Space Pirates, however, do not hide out on the planet Ta?

[Burt]

Ok just wondering....
Samus vs the Master Chief?