Zeke presents....

The Top 10 Top 10 Lists For FiveMinute.net's 10th Anniversary

A decimation of Tenth Anniversary Week

10. The Top 10 Subsites We've Never Done And Why
    10. Drive: because it would take forever to do all those episodes
    9. 60 Minutes: because that would be a bit too meta even for me
    8. Brimstone: because of the main character's name
    7. Crusade: because it would feel like punching a puppy dog
    6. Farscape: because... oh, we do have that one? Guess I forgot
    5. Torchwood: because it would just get killed off
    4. Dollhouse: because it's obviously for girls -- Joss, make something called Army Men and we'll talk
    3. Veronica Mars: because even brief interaction with that show could smug up the site beyond repair
    2. 24: because I'll never improve on Tate's "would it be called '2'?" joke

    And the number one subsite we've never done...

    1. Lost: I did make this one, I just can't find it

9. The Top 10 People I Wish I Could Get to Write a Fiver
   10. Brannon Braga (the dialogue would be great, there would be cool explosions, and we'd be fighting over the plot for years to come)
   9. Ray Bradbury (it would be just one line, but crammed so full of adverbs it would take five minutes to read)
   8. Larry Niven (he could teach me a thing or two about ending at Ludicrous Speed)
   7. Lisa Loeb (it would make no sense at all, but be really catchy)
   6. J. K. Rowling (I'm curious about the prospect of a hundred-page fiver)
   5. Jake Sisko, to test my personal theory that everyone's just humouring him and he actually can't write for crap
   4. evay. ...Pardon? ...What about my inbox?
   3. Dan Brown (it would suck and bear no resemblance to the actual episode, but everyone in the world would read it)
   2. God, mostly so I could then ask him what God needs with a fiver

   And the number one person I wish I could get to write a fiver...

   1. Me half the time, dangit

8. The Top 10 Barenaked Ladies Songs To Listen To While Browsing This Site
   10. Voyager: "Go Home"
   9. Enterprise: "Everything Old is New Again"
   8. Andromeda: "Intermittently", or maybe "Never Do Anything"
   7. BSG: "Angry People"
   6. Heroes, when I make that one: "Too Little Too Late"
   5. The OC: "If I Had $1,000,000" (or, when I think about that subsite, "Am I the Only One?")
   4. The Ring: "One Week"
   3. Next Generation: "Every Subway Car" (no special reason, it's just a great song)
   2. Life: "Life, in a Nutshell" (okay, we don't have a Life subsite, but this would be perfect!)

   And the number one Barenaked Ladies song to listen to while browsing this site...

   1. Star Trek The Animated Series: "It's All Been Done"

7. The Top 10 Top 10 Lists Rejected From This List
   10. The Top 10 Fivers I Hid Subliminal Communist Messages In (it's probably best not to reveal those till after the revolution)
   9. The Top 10 Scenes Where Tucker Took Serious Physical Damage (it felt done, somehow)
   8. The Top 10 Doctors (man, how would the last guy feel?)
   7. The Top 10 Facts About Anime Characters With "Ten" In Their Names (too weird -- but I did have 10 of them!)
   6. The Top 10 Kinds of People in the World (all I had were "those who know binary" and "those who don't")
   5. The Top 10 Signs That Your Girlfriend is a Top 10 List (see list #4 below)
   4. The Top 10 Smokin' Hot Chiana Scenes! ROWR! (FatMat suggested this one)
   3. The Top 10 Great Moments in FiveMinute.net History (I couldn't pick just ten; but conversely...)
   2. The Top 10 Great Years in FiveMinute.net History (I could only list about six with a straight face)

   And the number one Top 10 list rejected from this list...

   1. The Top 10 Top 10 Lists Rejected From This List (chew on that, Bertrand Russell!)

6. My Top 10 Regrets About FiveMinute.Net
   10. April Fool's events
   9. Using "Doctor Who" in Hoshi's job search without knowing anything about the show (you think anyone noticed?)
   8. For that matter, assuming that "bugger all" was just a stronger form of "bugger"
   7. April Fool's events
   6. My habit of making new subsites for shows right before they end (at which point the fandom will dry up like a worm on the sidewalk)
   5. Letting not one but two Leap Days pass without a Quantum Leap fiver
   4. Seriously, April Fool's events
   3. The moment I thought "Hey, I'll do a Top 10 of Top 10s! It'll be easy!"
   2. Not just ditching the whole parody thing and drawing goddamn stick figures instead

   And my number one regret about 5M.net...

   1. Still not having a better abbreviation than "5M.net"

5. The Top 10 Outtakes From Panel Events
   10. Paneldemonium: Marc, reaching for his spoon, accidentally grabs a real tricorder
   9. Voyagers: Derek suffers a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction with his dermaplastic garment (I'm not saying any more; it was cut for a reason)
   8. Ten Little Comedians: Scooter, forgetting he's from New York, accidentally speaks with his real Russian accent
   7. Sleapers: The first time we shoot my scene with the alternate Zeke, it's way too easy to tell that one of "us" is always a cardboard cutout
   6. Minutemen: The entire second half (Sorry! It's still coming! My fault entirely)
   5. Voyagers: The original ending, where God crashes us into prehistoric Earth and we give up technology for some reason
   4. Cliffhangers: Kira's battle with Mother Brain (let's just say it was short)
   3. Sleapers: A long, insufferably in-jokey sequence where we land on the world with nothing but shrimp
   2. Voyagers: I walk right into an "automatic" door when the guys inside the wall forget to open it

   And the number one outtake from a panel event...

   1. Paneldemonium: IJD keeps flubbing his lines until I get mad and just make him babble about cedar

4. The Top 10 Signs That "Girlfriend" Lists Are Getting Old
   10. I start talking shop ("Signs That Your Girlfriend is a Nontrivial Zero of the Riemann Zeta Function")
   9. The entries don't really involve her being your girlfriend ("She can Megamerge with Biometals" instead of, say, "Before you go out to dinner, she spends an hour choosing a Biometal to Megamerge with")
   8. I start resorting to characters like Denara Pel or Leeta or (God help me) Dr. Crusher
   7. Oh, I have nothing against her, she's just kinda dull
   6. I actually considered entry #5 on list #7
   5. Seriously, she had one good moment in four TNG films
   4. She gets depressed around her birthday... no, wait, that's one of the top ten signs that your girlfriend herself is getting old
   3. I use them to work out poorly-disguised personal issues ("Signs That Your Girlfriend is Having Doubts About the Relationship, But Keeping Them to Herself, When If She'd Just Talk to You Maybe You Could Work Things Out, But Nooooo, That's Not How She Operates, Is It?")
   2. I do one where... okay, seriously, how do you get a name like "Gates McFadden"?

   And the number one sign that "girlfriend" lists are getting old...

   1. I stop writing them in favour of a brilliant, creative new concept: boyfriend lists

3. The Top 10 Ways to Tell FiveMinute.net is Canadian
   10. We're frickin' huge, but our population is low
   9. We're very polite (unless "dsokdpach" and "blatch" count)
   8. Certain mannerisms, eh?
   7. We care about Andromeda
   6. I'm head of state despite nobody ever voting for me
   5. Annoying people who get mad at StarTrek.com keep threatening to move here
   4. All the red, f'rpetessake
   3. We don't have capital punishment anymore
   2. Sa'ar (taking after Marc) is always threatening to break off his section and make it a separate website

   And the number one way to tell FiveMinute.net is Canadian...

   1. We talk big and then never do anything (okay, that's not quite fair... to the site)

2. The Top 10 Things You Didn't Know About The FiveMinute.net Community
   10. In the synoptics, Nate the Great is known instead as Bart the Smart
   9. Sa'ar's a soprano
   8. Wowbagger and Tate are actually the same guy
   7. "IJD GAF" really stands for "Now A Hot Topic: Money-Making Moths"
   6. Chancellor Valium may cause Vizier Drowsiness, Senator Dizziness, or Regent Blurred Vision. Consult your Master Doctor before taking Chancellor Valium
   5. Kristina is known to her friends as K-Ro
   4. Derek has actually never watched Deep Space Nine -- he's just that good
   3. NAHTMMM and Katy Jane are married (Seriously! And it's KJ's birthday!)
   2. If you rearrange the letters of "PointyHairedJedi", you get "I'd enjoy a third pie"

   And the number one thing you didn't know about the FiveMinute.net community...

   1. Celeste is actually cuter than some other cat

And the number one Top 10 list for the 10th anniversary...

1. The Top 10 Things To Look Forward To In The Next 10 Years
   10. Dozens of exciting new subsites, with about three fivers each
   9. New, cutting-edge web design (have you heard about this "CSS" thing? I think it could really go places)
   8. I embrace the reboot craze, delete everything on the site, and make a new Five-Minute "Caretaker" where Voyager blows up
   7. Enough silly Easter eggs to immobilize a buffalo
   6. I compromise between work and the site by fiving mathematics (at last, a proof of Fermat's Last Theorem that will fit in a margin!)
   5. Four words: Snakes on a Battlestar
   4. I briefly consider writing an ENT fiver
   3. The glorious return of our most popular series ever -- VVS9
   2. Finally accepting that I'll never get you all to stop saying "5MV", I give up and buy a Venezuelan domain

   And the number one thing to look forward to in the next ten years...

   1. Good things in small packages

Comments? Contact the author, Zeke.

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